The Calculus of Connection (Acad. Rival Series #1)

Chapter 18

I stayed silent, but I was completely clueless about what he meant about him surviving for.

"I plead to Blair to act like we got back together when in reality we don't feel anything towards each other, other than friendship." he continued. "And I also pleaded Jairus to help me about you hating me and for him to not tell you about anything, he didn't really agreed to help me but he gave in because he truly treasure you as his friend." I saw a sad smile escaped from his lips. "I never wanted to hurt you because I truly love you, but that's the only solution for me to save you from more pain if I lost my fight against cancer." I was shocked to what I heard, cancer? I never knew he had a cancer, no one told me.

"Cancer?" I bluffed a question.

Tumango siya bago muling nagsalita. "I had a lung cancer stage 2, I never really think about it too much until the doctor told us that I also had a bone tumor which can make it more difficult for me to survive, but that's fine not until I met you, I found a reason to stay and fight but I'm not sure if I can really win over the cancer, that's why I think about how I can save you from the pain that I might inflict to you, but my solution also gives you pain and you suffered a lot from it." seryusong wika nito. "I promised that if I win against it, I will do everything to make you mine again, everything that can make you love me again whatever it takes." he said and wiped the tears that escaped from my eyes, hindi ko nga alam na umiiyak na pala ako. "I'm sorry if I hurt you baby, I know I was selfish to do that but I don't regret anything, but I will be begging for your forgiveness." malungkot na saad nito.

No words leave my mouth, I was just crying in front of him and I let myself be vulnerable, I'm not crying because I remembered the pain that I've went through with those years but because I realized that he had gone more pain and hardships than me, that he let me slipped in his grip because he was afraid of hurting me in a longer process, and that pained me double.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't know." I cried and touch his face gently that is now in flooded in tears.

"No baby, you don't have to say sorry to me, you're never at fault, I was the one who made you feel pain, and I'm truly sorry for that." he said in between of his sobbing.

How blind did I get because of that pain that I never really see what his hiding for himself to protect me, he was selfless indeed for the sake of his love for me.

"I'm sorry for not being able to see through you, sorry...I'm truly sorry." and after all this years sinisisi ko siya sa lahat nang hindi alam ang tunay na dahilan niya para saktan ako.

"Shhh...Baby stop saying sorry, don't apologize to me, you never done anything wrong for you to apologize." pagtahan nito, he stand from the swing and knelt his right knee on the ground in front of me para magpantay kami.

I can't stop myself from crying, I felt guilt creeping inside of me and I know where that guilt is coming from, because of the pain I was blinded from the truth.

"Now, I would begged for your forgiveness baby, whatever it takes I will do everything to be loved by you again." he genuinely said.

I was shaking my head. "I don't deserve your love, I don't think I deserve it." I was so hesitant to let him into my life again not because I don't love him anymore but because I might not see through him again and that's scarier than anything.