Ecstasy :: Bruno Mars (Sequel To Insecure)

25

Bruno POV

"Im so happy you came back to see me." Dr Caffrey says. "While I don't feel that comfortable here, I guess I do want to try and get to the bottom of this feeling I've been having and I am more likely to do it if I still feel half asleep." I say hinting to the fact that my appointment is at 6:30am. I snuck out of the house before anyone woke up. I haven't told Scar; and I don't know if it's a pride thing or the fact that I do have a lot of baggage that I know Dr. Caffrey will be able to bring out of me and Scar was ultimately right but I'm just not ready to admit it to her yet. "Well should we begin ?" She says and I nod. "It's now or never." I saw clasping my hands together extremely tight. "How've you been since you last came?"
"I've been okay. I've been noticing my tendency to 'walk on eggshells' around Scar as you put it. I haven't done anything about it but noticing's the first step right ?" I say forcing a small chuckle out of my mouth. "Did you two have a talk about it?"
"After last week's therapy session, I shut down and left the house until pretty late. I just needed some fresh air and to get out of the house.?"
"Or did you need some time to forget what we had just talked about and force it back down ?" She says smiling at me softly. "You really just go right for the jugular don't you ?" I say sighing. "I don't think much about that part of my marriage."
"Why don't you ?"
"Because.. it's started a so much chaos in our relationship." I start and she holds her hand up. "Let me make sure we're on the same page. Tell me what exactly caused the chaos and Scarlett's slip." I bite the inside of my cheek and look away from her. "I know Scar's told you ab-"
"This isn't Scar's session, it's yours. Voice to me what caused it." I take a deep breath wondering why it's so hard for me to say this. It happened years ago. "I- I hurt her. Possibly in the worst way imaginable, Dr Caffrey."
"Bruno If you can't say what you did, how do you expect to ever move on or forgive yourself?" I shake my head still making eye contact with the ground. "I don't really think I deserve to forgive myself."
"If Scarlett forgave you then in order to have the relationship I believe you desire, you also have to forgive yourself."
"...I cheated on Scar.. with her best friend and if I hadn't, none of this would've happened. We wouldn't be here. She wouldn't have sent herself to the hospital, she wouldn't have gotten ra-" I stop myself, that word tasting terrible on my mouth. "assaulted. She definitely wouldn't have been on that balcony-" My voice breaks cutting me off. I wipe the tears coming from my eyes. "She shouldn't have forgiven me."
"And yet she did. You blame yourself for everything that's happened to her." She says handing me a box of tissues. "If I hadn't cheated her ex-best friend wouldn't have gone nuts. I'm at the center of all of this. If she would've gone off that balcony, I don't know if I'd ever forgive myself."
"But you aren't forgiving yourself now and she didn't go off the balcony." She says and I finally break eye contact with the floor. "But she was up there in the first place."
"How would you feel if I told you that you even though your infidelity is technically the beginning of the conflict, you cannot blame yourself for other people's actions." She begins. "You did cheat, with someone extremely close to Scarlett, in no way is that harmless or faultless, but their actions after that are not your responsibility." She says. "It's not that easy to absolve myself of accountability for this because like you said I'm at the beginning of the conflict." I respond frankly. "I'm not expecting you to do all of that today. It will take time Bruno. None of this is an overnight thing. You came in and admitted all of this today, possibly for the first time aloud. For that you should be proud of yourself." I run my fingers through my hair wondering how the hell Scarlett does this every week. "How the hell do I fix this?"
I say through my hands. "You're gonna hate the answer." She says handing me a bottle of water. "I gotta come back next week." I answer for her taking the water as she nods. "You are seemingly very open when your wife isn't here. Are you used to putting your problems on the back burner for her's ? Recently at least?" Does she ever take a break? "I just didn't want her to see me like this and start worrying about me. She really doesn't need anything else to worry about right now"
"Isn't that what a marriage is though? And it seems like she's already picked up on the fact that something is wrong, correct?"
"She doesn't know the specifics though. I didn't want her to know that I'd been thinking about the infidelity. Because then she would start thinking about the infidelity."
"And possibly remember that you're the true cause of all of this and leave you?" She said and my eyes open wide. I don't think I've truly ever felt speechless until that moment. I've never thought about it like that ,but yea I guess if she does think about me cheating again it'll cause her to reevaluate our relationship. "Bruno, we'll explore this more, but this seems to be a deep seated fear for you. That she'll just up and leave you if you say the wrong thing. If she's been verbal about forgiving you and how important you are to her, why do you believe that her thinking about this would cause her to leave you. Especially if she's worked past it and doesn't blame you for their actions?" I am once again silent. I don't even know how to begin to respond to that and not because she's wrong. "Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her, which is crazy considering what she said last week about not deserving me. I really do love her so much and she really has come into my life and changed me for the better. I feel like because of this, I haven't done the same for her. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that one day I just fear that she'll reconsider being with me and I truly don't know what I'd do without her." I say finally letting those words leave my mouth. I've thought it for a while, but I buried it so deep and just worked on making sure she feels how much I love her so that the thought never crosses her mind.   "You are more like her than you think. Extremely stoic and extremely guarded."
"As stoic as I look I have cried to her multiple times. She's definitely seen me in a more vulnerable state."
"Has she seen you vulnerable about things you haven't deemed acceptable to cry about? What's the last thing you've cried about to your wife?" I think back trying to realize. I definitely do show emotions to her but I guess they are always things that I know she won't judge me for. "I cried to her about my mom. She died a few years back and her not getting to meet my kids always hits me really hard. I know what you're gonna say, that's something that's acceptable to cry about."
"It's something we'll dive deeper into later. Just keep that in your mind though. Become aware of it." She ends that thought. The rest of the session is more tame which is good because I didn't know how I was gonna go back home with all of that on me. Therapy is...something Im still not too fond of but I guess it'll get more comfortable over time, but it's something that I think I will need because she did make sense of a lot of things that had been in my mind. Once I make it back home it's almost 8 o'clock meaning I'll get to have at least more hours of sleep if the kids don't wake up early today. I sneak back into our bedroom and thankfully see that Scar hasn't woken up. I change back into my pajamas and carefully climb back into bed trying to not wake her up.She stirs a bit her eyes fluttering half way open. "G'Morning baby"She whispers making her way into my chest. I wrap my arms around her kissing the crown of her head. "Morning mama" I hug her pretty tight before loosening my grip but still keeping her in my arms. "I love you so much." I whisper to her as she slips back into sleep. "I love you too baby" She mumbles. Light snores begin leaving her again. I sigh resting my chin on the crown of her head. I find my mind wandering even though I know I should be trying to fall asleep but I can't let go of the session. I eventually end up falling asleep thank God because the kids were up and running around at 9:45. I know it's gonna be a long road for me with this new discovery in therapy but if there's a way to better our already damn good relationship, then I'll do whatever it takes, even feeling like shit for an hour a week, to make it work.