Even A Broken Soul Can Be Saved

Chapter 1 - Caught In A Web Of Manipulation And Control

It's always been a wonder, how things happen for a reason. It's a general thing to accept, that it's the way how life works. You won't always get what your heart desires the most. Whatever it is you longed to have, there will always be something hidden deep within the walls that keeps it from crumbling down and making an impact into your life. After all, if it does crumble, it is simply what you have always longed to have isn't it? But in the end, what we want, is something we all have to go through a certain stage. It's almost like a video game. It's not the endless type no, certainly not, but it's the levels of how high one can go until you reach the very end. And it is that end, that each and everyone one of us is trying to reach. Because at the end, our greatest desire is waiting right there, patiently waiting until we open the doors to claim it. And well, for what i can say, it is not a simple easy task to do...

"You always do this Gia...always!"

Reaching for something dear could also mean having to go through the pain in order to achieve it

"I ask you for one simple thing, ONE SIMPLE THING to love me. IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK OF YOU?!"

The blood, the sweat, and the tears. They say you have to suffer in order to get the beauty you want. No one warned you that getting caught up in a web of manipulation and control will hurt you, and that it would take ages until you can finally say that you're free

"Seriously Gia, our relationship is so one-sided! I'm the only damn one putting in all the effort while you just sit there and receive like I'm some damn servant to you! When are you going to do the same fucking thing for me huh?!"

I can certainly say without question, or without a second thought, that i am indeed trapped. The endless lies to make someone else happy which has no benefit of your own well being. Only pain, suffering, being controlled and being manipulated is the only things being given in return

"Are you even fucking listening to me at all Gia?!"

The amount of toxicity is only so much for some to actually learn to cope with, learn how to handle and understand the situation. But there are only three paths open. To stay and pretend, to report and be set free, and lastly, to wait until that golden light of happiness and freedom to come to you in its own duration of time. After all, what you want so badly won't always be given to you right away

"I can't even ask if you love me when it clearly shows from your actions and how you react towards me that you clearly don't love me at all!"

As i sat there on the comfort of our bed, i accept your anger and frustration. It's not new to me no, but it's a daily routine that i had to force upon myself to learn to adapt to. I can't change you, because i already have after one mistake. And it is that mistake that had led you into your toxic mannerisms

"I am listening Kieran-"

"NO YOU FUCKING AREN'T GIA!"

You no longer hear my voice. I lost my privilege to get through to you long ago. Now all that remains of me is a shield, a broken one. Meeting you was one of my greatest mistakes. Because meeting you had shattered the shield that was protecting my heart

"I'm going out. I need to be alone away from you!"

Watching him leave is something i had gotten used to. I feel alone, heartbroken  and empty,but at the same time i convince myself each and every time that i deserve to be left alone. Im nothing more than a mere puppy waiting in the rain for her owner to come back

"You know you can leave him right, Gia?" Bryce had asked in a concerned soft tone, almost as if he was afraid that i would break even futher if he didn't use a gentle tone to get through to me

"It's not easy Bryce...you know it isn't" i sighed softly. You could hear it in my voice that i was broken. And it's strange to even realize that the one person who could bring you happiness can easily break you into a million pieces

"I hate seeing you like this Gia. I want you to be free from him. I understand your situation, and i get that it's not easy to leave a toxic relationship..." I looked into his eyes as he was reasoning with me, still using that soft gentle tone. I was fragile at this point. And any wrong word would break me even further than i already was

"But i know you can do it Gia. You put up with his shit and accept it like it's nothing when you know deep down you're hurting and screaming for someone to save you because you can't save yourself" He was right. I was screaming for help. He was my safe space away from Kieran. Though I'm aware he is Kieran's best friend, but whatever i tell Bryce, i know that it would stay between us. He's the only shoulder i could cry onto when no one else knew of the truth

"it's been 3 years Gia...how much longer will you allow yourself to suffer under the hands of him?" His voice had cracked when he spoke those words. It's a question i can't answer. There is a right answer to it, but at the moment of my suffering, my mind is too cloudy to give me a proper answer

"Bryce I...I already accepted the fact that he's my future. I'm still going to try and fix my broken relationship,no matter how long it takes" It sounds ridiculous what i just said. Accepting that the life and future of toxicity i will continue to put myself through, the delusional thoughts that i can fix what i broke

It doesn't matter how many times Bryce tries to convince me to just up and leave. He knows my struggles, my fears, and possibly the fear of what i might expect from Kieran if i do decide to leave permanently. We were on and off for 3 years after all. And in those 3 years i have never suffered this much in all my years of receiving abuse, empty promises and betrayal. To think that one person could light up your world with color and life, but can very easily turn it gray, in a haze of ash under the midnight moon where your happiness, love and freedom is buried under a grave, where your gravestone read "in memory of the light that once had a life"

When he came back, his eyes avoided my direction. It was as if he thought i was poison, and the thought of coming close to me would form a cloud of gas, infecting him with my toxic spores

"...Hey.." My voice was barely above a whisper when i tried to greet him. Just from his distance alone spoke volumes of how much wrath he still had towards me

"Gia look...it's not alot that I'm asking from you. You always said it would be 50/50. But look how it is, 3 years and you still haven't shown me a single ounce of love that I've been wanting so badly from you" His voice was low, cold and angry. I never really liked it when his voice was like that. Then again, i am used to it after all. He is my Gemini. He can be gentle and kind to me when his friends are around, but always in the background his behavior switches as if on command to be his toxic self towards me when no one's looking

No one will ever notice my pain and suffering, only Bryce will, because the rest thinks Kieran is a good person. If only they had knowledge of the truth behind our relationship, the truth of the person Kieran really is

"I won't ask again Gia. Will you...will you please try to love me?" If only i could. But things are no longer the same after everything that's happened. I had lost my ability to love you, to the point where i can't say it without meaning. My love for you had faded away long ago

"...i dont like making promises when it comes to stuff like this Kieran. Promises needs to be kept, and i dont wanna give you an empty promise. But...what i can say, is that i will try to love you...even if it takes awhile" My words are repetitive. It's delusional, it has no true meaning of my actions. I'm too broken to fight back when I'm being shattered more and more. I am the embodiment of a broken record itself. My words will remain repetitive until my stylus is lifted off

"Okay...I'll take that. I really hope you mean it this time Gia" His voice was still low, but no longer cold. He let out a soft sigh as he pulled me into his arms for an embrace. My arms, dangling down my sides as if hesitant to wrap around him. It felt as though i didn't have the right to touch him, but i knew if i didn't he would get angry. My arms slowly, but hesitantly wrapped around him as i buried my face into his chest. I'm lying not only to him but to myself. My words will never be put into the actions he expects of me. He can bark out a million commands, a million lies, and a million insults to hold his manipulation and control over me, but i will never follow through with what i want him to hear

~Word Count (1681)~