CRUSH

part i

January 15

He's annoying. He's so annoying. Why ME? Of all people? I'm going to cry out of frustration at some point.

But this is different. Like, we've actually talked in the past. We had a conversation. But he isn't talking to us as much anymore. Why is he even still in the group chat then? I mean, come on. You hung out with us twice and now nothing.

Plus how much nerve he had to come to us last time when we spoke. I mean, ok, you come, we have a conversation, and afterwards Soph goes to ask you when your birthday is and you respond as if you've never held a conversation before and asking yourself "why is she talking to me?" Let's be serious for a moment here.

And he also shows up in my dreams.

And Soph doesn't understand why it would be weird for me to ask him if I could sit next to him in class. I MEAN COME ON. Social anxiety at its best, I guess. How weird would it be if I suddenly went up to him and asked: "Hey can i sit next to you?" WHEN THE DESK I NORMALLY SIT AT IS PERFECTLY EMPTY AND SO ARE OTHERS. "The worst thing he can say is no" or "What's the worst that could happen?" I. COULD. DIE. FROM. FREAKING. EMBARASSMENT.

WHY ARE FEELINGS DO FREAKING ANNOYING AND COMPLICATED.

How could I get closer to him?

***

Here's the thing: I don't actually want to date anyone. I don't feel ready. But I really like him, and I feel like my feelings are all over the place.

I've been dwelling on the idea of texting him (though I already know I'll never have the guts to do it) to ask about the year he was born in, to see if he's older than me or vice versa.

And, I checked Instagram quite often today after I added some posts to my story to check if he saw them (he did), and during that, he was also online. I kept checking to see if he was online, though I don't know, even now as I'm writing this, what I expected to happen.