Algorithms

5

One day Marc came to work looking dejected and haggard. There were dark shadows under his eyes, and he looked paler than usual. "You okay, Marc?" I asked.

"Yeah. Didn't sleep much."

"Why's that?" Most people would have just taken a pill. I wasn't surprised that Marc hadn't.

"Thoughts." He sighed and looked at the floor, then dropped his voice to just above a whisper. "I just want something real."

This again. "Yeah, you've said that before. Maybe you just need to try something new. Break out of your rut, you know?"

"We're all in ruts, Erin. We can't get out."

"Do you need to take a personal day?"

"Erin, they've got us. They've got everything. The algorithms, they show you the things you want so you buy them, but you only want those things because they show them to you. How do you break out? How do you find what you want? What you really want." On that last sentence, he finally looked up and his eyes bored into mine fiercely. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't because I recognized unexpressed—perhaps barely-formed—thoughts I'd had myself in what he was saying.

"I don't think this is a good place to talk about that stuff, Marc. Let's go in the back, okay?"

"What are you afraid of, Erin?" He asked.

"Actually... I'm not sure... I think there are just some things that shouldn't be discussed, you know?"

Marc smiled. "You're always the rule-follower, aren't you? Even rules that don't actually exist."

I lowered my voice. "Aren't you at least a little worried about reprogramming?"

"You don't really believe in that old myth, do you?" Marc asked. "People's minds aren't computers, you know. They can't just rewrite them."

I shrugged, a little embarrassed.

"Oh Erin, I wish..." he stopped and gazed at me. "But you're just not ready yet." He lightly punched my arm and then returned to work.

I forced myself to ignore the warm spot on my arm where he'd touched me, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the last moment had been full of promise. There had been something there, something new, that hinged on me. But I wasn't "ready", and the moment had dissolved as he walked away.