Always to you (Yeonbin)

"Soobin. . ."

Yeonjun's pov

The ceiling is not interesting-looking, yet I am still staring at it for hours. It's now nearly 2 a.m of night yet an ounce of sleep hasn't come to me, except the tears of guilt.

And it's what I deserve.

My mind couldn't stop replying the incidents of morning, my abrasive words, Soobin's painful expression, then top of that he got a fucking panic attack. . . because of me.

Flashback-

"Yah Choi Yeonjun! What did you do to Soobin?" Beomgyu's loud voice came back, exasperated but was full of seriousness. They had gone behind Soobin after the chaos and now the three of them were looking at Yeonjun like he had committed a crime.

Yeonjun stood still, heart pounding louder than usual, still processing what just happened awhile ago. "Soobin was having a panick attack." Muttered Taehyun, stepping closer to Yeonjun with dark eyes. "And it was even worse than the argument you two just had."

Flashback-

As soon as Soobin was out of the cafeteria, he ran. And as he ran, much to his relief he spotted an empty common room with the door loosely ajar. He scooted in there before locking it in a swift motion. He barely trudged forward before he slumped onto the nearest chair. His eyes watered and mind raced through his past.

Empty dark streets, his friends had left him when they were supposed to walk together.

He called them, one by one but none picked it up, leaving him to pick up the last pieces of his trust which was already broken long ago.

His mind wandered further back in time.

People joked all around him in a birthday party.

"Look at Soobin, dude always looks like he's forgettable. Always standing alone."

Alone.

"But you guys are the ones ignoring me!" He tried to laugh but his voice gave away with the faint tremble.

"Because you're so boring and always pretend like that."

"Like w-what?"

"That you're meek, quiet and so hurt by the presence of people but in reality you're just fooling us by being the smartie nerd and teacher's loyal pet!" Said the girl bluntly.

Soobin froze.

"Yeah Soobin."Called his another friend, "But we don't like you anymore."

"You are the problem, Soobin! The way you always act like a victim like you're not confident, doubting your self-esteem while you've got everything under your fingers!" Had said Yeonjun and hearing the same thing from him hurt the most,
Especially when he had finally gave in to trust--- to that one person, after years of inner struggle and suffering.

"Mom. . ." Soobin stifled a sob, "I miss you. . ." His breath came in ragged and shallow. "Why. . .why did you leave me too?"

"Soobin-ah, hurry up!" The woman had called from the pavement, her eleven year old boy stood in the middle of the street, too busy in watching two sleek cars racing.

A horn blared through the road, sharp and urgent but it fell too dull on his ears, until he was shoved behind. That was when the world started to sound louder and louder--- too loud, almost unbearable. To hear or to see. His mother lay on the ground on a pool of her own blood.

"Mom. . ."

"You aren't a problem, Soobin. .ah. Don't ever think. . .or let anyone make you feel otherwise."

He clutched the white sheets of the hospital bed his mom had been placed. He couldn't even speak anything as his loud sobs filled the room.

Those were her last words.

"Hyung!" Soobin snapped out of his mind, his breath hitched as he recognised the urgent voice.

'Gyu'

"Hyung, we know you're there, we saw you. We understand that you need space right now. . .but we're here to say that you shouldn't hurt alone. Yeonjun was stupid and we don't believe whatever shit he just threw at you, we believe none of it but that. . . you're a generous person. And you always make sure we're okay. . ." Came Taehyun's soothing voice, then a pause.

". . .Even when you aren't." Finished Kai, voice filled with a quiet heaviness.

Then silence dragged on, occasionally broken by Soobin's uneven breaths.

"Guys. . ." The hoarse voice from inside was enough to bring relief to the three of them."I need a moment."

"Yes, Soobin, take your time. But we're not leaving." Said Beomgyu firmly.

And that was enough for all of them at the moment.

-

Yeonjun froze the moment he heard about it. He couldn't speak or react anything, his steps drew back, then slowly as ever, he turned away before walking out of there like a  coward as always.

End of flashback

I never meant to trigger him a panic attack yet. . .I hadn't apologized to him, not on call, not even through a text message. I had decided I'll apologize tomorrow, properly. But why is it getting harder and harder to wait with every passing seconds?

I run my hand down my face to relieve some frustration but it only seems to grow with the sound of clock ticking. My chest tightens, again.

I don't understand why I'm feeling so suffocated, I was never a great feeler of emotions as I had faced such situations before with indifference. I just understand and I hate that I understand that he wasn't any other in my life, that I grew too attached to him like an important chapter of maths.

But what if I'm too late to turn back the pages to solve what I left incomplete and the chapter closes tomorrow right in front of me?

But I have to try. Because in this hollow life, he isn't someone worthy of giving up.

🥀

The next day I left home early, stopped by our campus cafeteria to buy his favourite chocolate shake.

Soobin can't resist chocolate shake, can he now?

I entered the class and quickly spotted him sitting between Beomgyu and Kai. Ok, it was expected but I didn't feel like going to him then so I waited  more, till lunchtime. I spent all classes stealing glances at him and classes seemed to drag on forever. Then the long awaited bell finally rang but I didn't feel confident anymore. . .

I felt nervous and I wished the classes had never ended.

Soobin seemed okay, chatting with our friend group, didn't even look at my way for once which was expected too. But I have to come back to him whenever he won't.

And so I moved forward, heart thumping in my chest, clutching the chocolate shake in sweaty palm.

"Soobin. . ."

He looked up at me and I waited. . . and waited.

And realised the silence stretching between us gave me all the answers.