from 'him' to 'you'

from him, a return

now ??
of all times he came back now.
Now that I have told everyone that my mourn was over.
Now that I finally thought I was better.
I can understand why.
And I can't at the same time.
what does he mean, what does he want
And why do I feel like I want to help

hell, I definitely want to act in secret, afraid of judgement.
why is the message empty yet such a cry for help

why do I feel like I am needed before I really have to mourn him
how come he's not better why wouldn't he reach earlier why is it this complicated why did he leave me silent this long and why do I want to give my comfort to him

I do not wish him to suffer.
I don't want him to die.
but if I give an answer I'll have to feel it all again.

"what do i do" and why am I so sure no one except I should answer this

- answer and don't tell anyone
- ask and watch from afar. ask and be judged.

the tears are so salty they piss me off
but how many tears did he shed now..
it's not even that i'm sad, but why does it hurt to know you've been hurting this whole time ?
how come i got better while you were worsening ?
I still want to care for you even if my mind tells me I am well past this relationship

forcing myself not to tell you I want to hug you.
tell you that you're safe.
tell you it's gonna be okay.

convinced myself i would not talk to you if you reached..
guess i could only convince everyone around except me.
in the end i want to be there for you.
am i your safe place? why does it feel like you want me to be
and why am i willing to after such a long time..

rereading your message, feeling happy sad and angry at once

happy for knowing i hold such an important space in your heart
happy that you reached out
happy when i shouldn't be because you're hurting

sad that you've been feeling down this whole time
sad that i couldn't do nothing
sad when i shouldn't be because i've distanced myself. or so i thought

angry that you're trying again this late
angry that you only reached when convenient
angry when i shouldn't be because you finally made the effort

why
why is it always this complicated with you
why the fuck can't i think and solve this for once ?

i already know why, answers are out already.
i'll just keep asking myself until i accept the reason.
until i accept that i hold you so passionately in my mind and memories.

you are the worst and best memory of my oh so eventful but boring life
even now i deny that this memory is running at my side.
it is not in the past anymore, why would you revive this..
and why do i want to cherish it even more now that this thorned warmth is at
hands reach

i could never hate you for the life of me. i've tried.
but it's only the others around me that hate you for having me this hurt.
they don't know you, do they ? not like i do.
not at all, even.

heck, for the death of me, i don't think i'll ever hate you.
when my wings will be out i'll smile when thinking of you.
i know it's hard to believe when all i can do is cry at your thought right now.

why did i think distancing was the hardest
when it hurts just as bad when you come back
and why
did you leave just to reappear

never like the others, are you?
some never left, some never turned back around
why would you do both and put me through all of it ?

this is not confusion anymore
and i'm not angry at all
only writing it out.
you should know by now that i want to say more
that i lock everything up when the room is full
going voiceless when i have the most things to shout
putting end to the conversation when i want to send dozen more.

days later now and it burns in my throat
not tears nor hate
the happiness is flowing but something burns
how much i want to say to meet again
"let's talk again"
does one fall in friendship as people fall in love ?
this answer will stay in my mind like many others about you
keeping it a secret even for myself to find

month later now mid june
cue stress season
the summer event, sure
doesn't hurt to wonder if an appearance will be made
then onto the birthdays
mine first to deepen the worry
i sure do like to make things more confusing than they are, don't i ?
please take care, this was true

but i sure lied saying i was past this.
found myself hoping you can still read between my words and the untold.

from 'him' to 'you', words in my own brain aren't so cryptic anymore.
know i hide the biggest words behind meaningless and contradictory small ones.
not strangers are we, even after trying to pretend...
yet meeting again would mean the unknown..

'you wouldn't think this about a friend'
well that small voice needs to shut it.
why is it even coming from me
why should i listen to it and reconsider everything ?
all these lines are for you, whatever you or we are.
itches the brain to wonder what your lines say
left and right, are we really mirrored
lines and lines you'll never read, yet only time places the final dot.

(the reminder to lie to myself has begun below)
nevermind
i'll forget and i'm fine
you'll forget and you'll be fine
the last hello to not suffer from a new goodbye
your life and mine met, and they can become separate again
thank you for the real moments and connection, thank you for the laughs and the
silent affection
thank you for you
keep doing them with any-else, but mostly with you first
take care
I know my "why" and have accepted going over it. Hoping the same for you.