The Starving Artist: Hunger Games 2015 Contest Entries

Claire's Brigade

I'm blind.

A few minutes ago, the arena was filled with a brilliant white light. It seared and burned into our eyes, plunging us into blackness. Now no one can see anything.

I sit in silence on the floor of the cave, darkness blanketing me. Ian sits beside me, whispering to himself in panicked fervor. The fire has long since burned out, and neither of us dares to try relighting it. Without our sight, we can't do anything.

Instead, we have to sit here in the dark until it passes.

Disappointment tugs at my heart, dragging me down until I shatter. "I can't do it anymore, Ian."

Ian's shoes scuff across the cave's floor. He clears his throat, letting me know where he is. "Can't do what?"

"This..." I sink to the cold, dirty ground as my strength falters and fails. Catching my lip between my teeth, I fight past the lump growing in my throat. "The constant see-saw between anger, self-loathing, and nothing. That and the continual disappointment. I almost got you and Cedar killed. He's lying there wounded because of me, and he might not even make it. You understand that, right?" My hands clench into fists as I try to stave off the tears.

It doesn't matter that no one can see me. I still can't let them come for some reason.

Ian sighs and tries to put a hand on my shoulder. Since he can't see, the movement is clumsy and holds almost no meaning. "Az, you didn't make us come with you. We were all caught in her spell."

"No, but I led you all into it just because I wanted what she was offering."

"She lied to you, and it's not unnatural to want a family. A place to belong. Anyway, Cedar's okay right now. He's just resting..."

The tears finally escape, pushing their way past my lashes to trickle down my cheeks. "I hate myself."

I can't see him, but the surprise in his voice gives me a clear mental picture of his expression. "Why?"

"Because I'm a sorry excuse for a human being." I can't keep the quiver out of my voice, and it cracks, failing me just like I've failed everyone I've ever loved.

Ian tries to argue with me, but I won't listen to him. He doesn't understand, and whatever he says will be wrong. Unless he's calling me a murdering sadist. Since Ian would never do that, he's not going to say anything true about me. The things that I've done in my past are too awful to forgive. He doesn't know what I've done. What I am.

A breeze goes through the cave as the wind kicks up outside. Goosebumps pebble my arms despite the jacket I'm wearing. It isn't just the cold, though. Being blinded is just the last bar in the cage that has been building around me. I can't live without my sight. Sometimes, it's the only thing I can truly trust.

I try to pretend that my closed eyes are the reason for the inky darkness. Nothing helps though. My hands shake in my lap as my mind whirrs with the thousands of things that could go wrong. At any moment, something could attack us, and I'd be unable to defend myself. I wouldn't even see it coming. The thought sickens me.

The wind howls into the cave, growing stronger as a storm blows in. I can smell the rain with its fresh, earthy scent. It's a welcome relief from the dankness hovering in the cave, but the mournful wailing of the wind will keep me from hearing anything outside approaching. Yet another sense stripped away. Another defense ripped from me.

I can feel the panic rising, and I despise my weakness. I'm pathetic, sitting here rocking back and forth on my knees like a child scared of the dark. Trapped in the mountain. Trapped in the dark. Trapped by my own fear.