Linked Paths

Arc II - Many Firsts [Chapter 3: Coping]

He is a dark part of me, of my life. A part that I must accept and live with. However, to turn the wound he caused into a scar, to sew it up with my willpower is damn hard.

Tamamushi: "Don't you have anything to say to me?"

I clutch my chest even more. I fail in my task, fail to be strong in his presence. Thus, the dam breaks.

"I hate you!", I suddenly scream at the top of my lungs. My voice comes back to my ear in a loud echo, even though we're standing on a hill outside.

"I hate you so much." This time, my voice is just a whisper, barely louder than the rustling of the leaves around us.

"You hurt me so much!", and again my voice comes loud. Angry as well as aggressive. But then...swiftly turning desperate, "Why?"

I can no longer control my emotions and burst into tears. Tamamushi instantly vanishes into thin air. Suzuki-san is already with me. We sink down onto the soft grass together in a tight embrace.

Suzuki-san: "Shhhhh.", *rocks me back and forth*

I cry without restraint, pressing my face against her.

Suzuki-san: "It's okay. Let your emotions run free. Don't suppress them, accept them."

Her voice is my anchor. I don't push my emotions away, no, I pull them towards me. Fear, grief, anger, hate, everything. It's important, I know that already. Only if I let myself in can I sew up the wound he caused effectively.

Suzuki-san: "That's it.", *strokes my back*

I'm feeling miserable, but sense how it helps me to let it all out.

Suzuki-san: "Oh, look!", *releases our tight embrace*

Even though I would have preferred to hug her longer, I let it happen. Immediately, when we part, I'm enveloped by a bright glow.

Suzuki-san: "You shine.", *smiles knowingly*

Suzuki-san, who is now holding me by both hands, rises from the grass and takes me with her. As we stand in front of each other now, still holding hands tightly, the glow thickens, accumulates in my core and then emerges out of my body in a ball of purple light.

Suzuki-san: "Isn't it beautiful?"

Fascinated, I watch as new lights pave their way out of my inner self bit by bit. Red. Blue. Green. The lights of different colors remain. They do not extinguish but move vividly around us and circle over our heads, as if they had a will of their own.

"It's beautiful.", I say with a whiff of a voice.

Suzuki-san: *nods, squeezes my hands affirmatively*

Then her embodied presence is gone, but I can still feel her spiritual presence and know that she is with me when I reach out my hand to her. I understand what she is trying to say to me and appreciate that she gives me time for myself, time to calm my nerves.

So, I lie down in the tall grass. My hands run over it automatically, seeking the contact that grounds me. Despite my tears, still streaming down my face, I successively become calmer. Meanwhile, my gaze, which is directed towards the sky, follows the lights that play with each other directly above me.

Time passes as I reflect on my emotions. Tears dry.

Then, at some point, the lights collide to form a larger sphere containing the individual colors. At their points of contact, they mix and don't remain sharply delineated from one another. In the moment that the colors seem stabilized within, the orb of light shoots towards the starry sky. I jump up reflexively and lean my head back to track the light. It continues to hurtle higher and higher until it's only a small dot. Due to the distance, the color of it adapts to that of the surrounding dots. Finally, it becomes one amongst of them, joining the ranks of the stars. The light remains there, illuminating the firmament, just like the others. And I feel better with no more tears to shed.