Be My Guardian Angle (Alan Ashby)

"Found Relief In A Knife"

'You know you want to.'

'Just do it, it's a reminder for how worthless you are.'

'how pathetic you are.'

'a reminder you'll never be good enough'

'Matts only with you because he pity's you.'

'Can't believe you actually thought someone loved you.'

'HA! your a joke!'

'stupid.'

'A fool.'

'selfish.'

'desperate.'

'hopeless.'

'useless.'

'unloved.'

'nothing.'

'You're nothing.'

'And you never will be.'

"Kaitlyn? Are you alright?" John touched my shoulder snapping me out of my thoughts. I'm shaking.

"Y-Yeah. Can I take a 10? I need to cool down." He searched my eyes, checking to see if I was lying but I quickly built up my barriers making sure no one got in.

"Sure. Go right a head." His hand drop letting me go. "Just know i'm here, okay?" No you aren't. You're just saying that. Stop lying to my face!

"Yeah, I know. Thanks." I force a smile, quickly leaving the tent. Dropping the smile I hurry to the bus, the beat of my heart in my ears. Pain. All I felt was pain. There's so much of it. I don't know what to do with it all. How I long for that feeling to feel nothing at all at this moment. These days are the worse. And there's only one thing I think of at this moment.. The one thing that will always be here for me, who doesn't lie straight to my face. My razor.

~

Walking, with a slight limp, I make it back to our tent.

"Hey, you okay there? What's with the limp?" John ask when I arrive.

"I sorta kinda fell when I was coming out of the bus..." Good, good.

"Ha! I can see it now." John jokes. Slapping his shoulder I laugh at his 'joke' going back to work. So much for perfect day..

:- Alan POV :-

I let my anger and sadness out on stage. How could she? First she gets back together with him when he CHEATED on her, then goes and invites him over during our day off? Ugh! What is it that she sees in him! I may not know all about him and what he looks like, but no girl deserves a guy who's cheated on her. It fucking pisses me off that i'll have to see him.

"Alan, can I talk to you?" Austin came up to me after the performance.

"Yeah?" I follow Austin. We ended up over at the buses, taking a seat behind Pierce The Veil's bus.

"Alan, do you like my sister?" The sudden question making me choke on my water.

"W-W-What?"

"Do you?" He faces me, his face serious. I clear my throat turning my view to the concrete below me.

"Yeah..." I make barely over a whisper, he was quiet for a while I began to wonder if he even heard me.

"Alright." I snap my head up.

"Alright?" Austin was staring out into the distance, sweat dripping down the side of his face.

"Alright. I'm okay with that. I-I can allow it." I cock my head to the side.

"What do you mean you can allow it?"

"I mean, I trust you. I see the way you look at her. You look at her like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time." His smile was genuine. Like he was happy. "My dad said last year that Kaitlyn had a boyfriend. I didn't know she had one, she never told me. Not even when I asked. She denied it. Couple months later I ask my dad again, and he said that he never heard about him anymore. When he asked her about him she would just shake her head and said it didn't work out. I know thats not the reason. That it didn't work out. Because if that was the reason she would have came to me. She can't lie to me very well Alan. I know that relationship ended the worse way possible for her. I know. That's why just the mere thought of her going out with someone makes me want to jump the guy and kill him for getting close to her. There's a specific reason why she still cuts. Not because what happened in school, no. But because what's going on now. I wish I knew what was happening so I could stop her from harming her self. To know my sister does that... I just, feel the worst. Like it was my responsibility to watch after her, more so after mom died. But I feel like I have failed.. I left just when she started to become a teenager, the hardest time of your life. I thought she wouldn't have to go throw any of that shit... but I was wrong, because she did..." I let every single word sink in. Austin took a shaky breath looking back at me. "So, I trust you to help her. To love her right, to treat her right. I trust you." Austin got up, having to shield my eyes to see him past the sun. He beamed down at me before walking off. I kinda just sat there a million things swirling in my head. What happened when she was school? How did that relationship end? Why does she still cut? Can I really get her to see i'm so much better for than him? Will she love me back...? Probably not.. she must like him a lot to get back together with him after he cheated on her.. And that smile this morning, fuck. When she said 'someone special to me' I literally broke. I've known this chick for about 4/5 week now and she's got my wrapped around her finger, only she doesn't know and that kills. I wouldn't mind waking up to that smile every morning..

Crushing the bottle in my hand I bolt up. I need a cigarette. Badly. With these corruptive thoughts in my head I find out bus, bragging in. Immediately stopping In my tracks. Why is Kaitlyn asleep on the couch doesn't she have merch duty? But I let that get pushed to the side. As I stare at her calming face, I want so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms and around and sleep. Not to fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocence sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So instead of grabbing a cigarette, like planed. I headed back to my bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.

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sorry if it's short :( it took me a while to write my chapter for my other book Take A Bite. :/ but! there's drama to come ;D so please keep reading and voting!

till next time :) which I hope to be soon lol

~stars can't shine without darkness~