Although this may look very similar to an extended definition essay, they still tend to differ slightly. Basically it takes a group and divides it into parts. So if you wanted to write a classification/division essay on books, you might split it into genres.
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The Lutheran Church Survival Guide: The Six Types of People You Meet in Church
For those unfamiliar with the Lutheran branch of religion, going to church is a little like traveling in the jungle. Proper preparation, gear, and knowledge of your surroundings are vital for survival. However, in this instance, the danger is not in the church (or the jungle) itself, but in the people. Unless cautionary measures are taken, you may soon find yourself volunteering at every pancake breakfast and helping out at every potluck. Similar to identifying poisonous plants, the best way to stay alive is to learn to properly identify the six types of people you meet in church.
One of the most dangerous pitfalls of any church is the old timers. If the sight of a suit, tie, and cowboy boots or a floral dress with a cardigan doesn't yet fill you with fear, it should. Characterized by their never-ending friendliness, they are the welcome wagon of the church. Actually, they are almost too friendly. Once old timers start talking, they hardly spare the time to breathe, and a simple hello will lead to a thirty minute conversation or more. Thankfully, old timers are rather easy to spot. Due to their punctual attendance every Sunday morning, the pew they sit in has usually started to conform to the shape of their body. If you see any obvious markings on a pew, like imprints on seat cushions or the shape of a body faintly outlined against the wood, sit as far away as possible. (If the church has wooden pews, the addition of a magnifying glass to your travel gear may be necessary, as the various imprints will be harder to distinguish.) Appealing as the pew may look, the consequences are far worse. Sitting there will result in being persuaded to go to coffee cart (refreshments), a punishment in and of itself. Although the variety of dessert is almost worth it, staying for refreshments after the service dramatically increases your chances of getting cornered by an old timer.
If you must find someone to visit with after the service, the best person to find would be a regular church goer. As a warning, only someone who is experienced in differentiating between regular church goers and old timers should try this. The regular church goers, despite their entirely different temperament, are frighteningly similar to the old timers. Their record of church attendance is almost spotless, even if they miss a few more Sundays. Further adding to the confusion, some of them have been known to welcome visitors with idle chit-chat, a typical marker of an old timer. In fact, both groups may even dress similarly. However, most regular church goers do not, and while the old timers tend to wear very formal attire, the regular church goers are more relaxed in their clothing. The men might not always wear ties, but polos and khakis; the women might wear black pants or even dark blue jeans with a nice blouse. Appearance isn't the only way to distinguish between the two. Looking around during the service can provide another clue, as despite knowing the words to most of the hymns and responsive readings, you may catch the regular church goers glancing at their bulletins. These people are your life lines. While they still make an appearance at coffee cart to visit, they keep the conversation brief. Regular church goers will also willingly speak to old timers, bringing their attention away from you. As an added advantage, listening to the conversation between the two can help you pick up essential skills on how to end a chat quickly with an old timer. Finding out how to identify these people is an important skill for any Lutheran church survivor.
As hard as it may be to distinguish between the old timers and the regular church goers, spotting the choir members is rather easy. If the church has a choir, they can be identified by their tendency to sing harmony, or, if the church has some, their robes. Especially when dealing with choir members, an ear for pitch can get you far. This is because most choir members enjoy blasting the harmony part. In a well-populated choir, high sopranos may even make an appearance, screeching two notes above the melody in 'harmony' with all the rest. For those without an ear for music, a slightly less accurate way of recognizing the choir members is to look around during the sermon. Most just come for the music, so they tend to fall asleep whenever the pastor opens their mouth. However, they are not the only ones. Old timers are also susceptible to sleeping during the sermon, so you must be careful when using this method. Luckily, if singing in four part harmony is something you enjoy, properly recognizing choir members can make your time in church a little more bearable, mainly because you'll be able to sing in harmony. Should choir seem appealing instead, there's a quick way to ensure that you get asked. Just sing in tune next to a choir member. The same tactic can also be followed if you don't want to join the choir, except this time you have to sing out of tune. Luckily, it's pretty easy to do. Simply sit next to a choir member and sing out of tune to watch all your worries fade away.
Of course, like any good jungle, a certain amount of randomness occurs in the dangers you face on a Sunday. If youth are getting confirmed or baptized, you run the risk of accidentally starting a conversation with proud mothers/fathers. On the day of the baptism or the confirmation, they sit in the front surrounded by family members, impeccably dressed and beaming from ear to ear as they smile at the child. It's comparable to watching a dog begging at the table, except their eyes follow their child instead of your food. Much like the old timers, these parents can easily keep talking for an hour. Perhaps even worse, this conversation tends to be centered on one thing only: their child. In the eyes of the congregation and (momentarily) themselves, they are the golden family, and their child can do no wrong. Unfortunately, it's not enough to simply avoid talking to them. An attempt must also be made to avoid sitting by them. If you nonchalantly select a pew in the front, you might find yourself sitting awkwardly in the middle of relatives. After the service, these relatives will all bunch together to talk about how amazing so-and-so (the child) is, leaving you stuck in the middle. Generally, the best way to avoid this situation is to sit in the back, staying as far away as possible from anyone who looks remotely similar the child. Thankfully, this potential danger is short lived. After roughly four Sundays in a row, the child becomes old news in the eyes of the church, and with no one left to brag to, the attendance of the proud mother/father and their presumable prodigy stops.
Similar to the proud mothers and fathers are the Christmas program junkies. Usually limited to young families, these parents don't necessarily attend church often, but the grandparents (who are usually old timers) want to see their grandchildren in the annual Christmas program. To accomplish this, the parents start bringing their children to bible school. This is because in most Lutheran churches, parts for the annual Christmas program are both handed out and rehearsed during bible school about two weeks before the program. Attending bible school ensures that not only do their children get a part, but that Grandma and Grandpa are happy. The only real danger here occurs when talking to the grandparents or parents directly after the Christmas program, as an hour-long conversation about their child's performance has been known to happen. Luckily, aside from around Christmas of course, the chance of running into a Christmas program junkie tends to be a temporary danger, especially because you only see them in the month of December.
Finally, the absolute rarest (but least dangerous) of them all are the Chreastions. These people only attend church twice a year, once during Christmas and once during Easter. Despite that, it is still important to know how to identify them. Due to their similar appearance to and attendance as the Christmas program junkies, it is easy to get the two confused. However, there is a fairly simple way to tell the two apart. Unlike the Christmas program junkies, who tend to sit with their family only, the Chreastions may travel in groups. Not only will distantly related relatives sit side-by-side for the first time in a year, but other unrelated Chreastions will join them. Mostly, they tend to huddle in the front, as arriving to church less than fifteen minutes early tends to leave you without a good place to sit. Although they can't always be trusted to gravitate towards the front, a more reliable sign is what they wear. Since they only go to church twice a year, they tend to be meticulous about the way they dress. The females are always in dresses, while the males usually opt for something involving a tie. All hair is perfectly combed, and all make-up perfectly applied. Thankfully, they are completely harmless. With no desire to be in church longer than possible, they quickly leave after the service is over. The only bad things they really do are minor annoyances, like singing loudly off key or holding up the line during Communion because they don't know what to do.
Although going to church can be similar to a journey through the jungle, some smart and simple planning is all you really need to get out alive. With the proper gear, skills, and a little bit of luck, it is quite possible to escape unscathed. Once you know how to identify these different types of people, you'll be able to avoid those you wish with ease. On a good day, you can amaze your friends who go to church by being home by noon, already done with lunch before they pull into their drives. However, as with everything else, you must be cautious. This guide is specific for Lutheran churches only, and just as you can't compare the desert to the jungle, neither can you expect this guide to work for all denominations. So, if you find yourself in a different church, I can only wish you best of luck, as well as happy hunting.
