What I Meant To Say

Chapter Eight

Fifteen. Fifteen crinkles in the curtain this time around. I counted them very carefully once more before reaching up to pull it open again and shut it. Starting from the bottom of the curtain I counter up to the top, a tedious task I had been mastering for the last few days. Twenty four this time.

"She's back at it again." Ricky stated in an agitated tone from the lounge. I heard a loud smacking noise before he let out a groan.

"Stop being an inconsiderate asshole Richard. She's depressed and you haven't done much to comfort her you dick." Corey snapped and I could hear his irritated sigh. Ricky had really made me feel so small these past few days. It got to the point he started sleeping in the back lounge and avoiding contact with me if at all possible. Now granted I spent most of my time in the bunk, it still hurt me. I was miserable. Mourning my childhood pets passing was not my idea of fun.

The guys began conversing when I heard hurried footsteps and Corey slung the curtain open, staring down at me with a sad half smile. I huffed, rolling on my side to face the wall.

"We're going to the store. Would you like anything?" She asked sweetly and I sighed, contemplating facing her again before I stubbornly rolled over.

"Maybe some coffee.." I replied hoarsly, knowing caffeine was something I direly needed. I was clearly depressed and the coffee would keep me awake so I didn't sleep anymore than the twelve hours I already had that day. Sleeping made it worse to be completely honest.

"You got it sweet pea.  Anything else? The boys, Ellie and I are probably going to grab a bite to eat too. Want something specific?" She added and I shook my head. The thought of eating made me sick.

"You need to eat something Aiden. You haven't eaten in days." She fussed and I released a sigh, propping myself up on an elbow. She had a point.

"Gosh mom. Just pick me up somethig light. I don't feel up to eating but I know if I don't I could die." I laughed sadly to my surprise and she smiled, kissing my forehead before starting out the door behind Vinny.

"See you in a few." With that she disappeared out the door, shutting it behind her. I fell back onto the mattress, huffing at the uncomfortable stiffness under my back. Reaching beneath me I pulled out the tattered notebook, it's cracked spine dully taunting me. I had put it away for a while after my altercation with Ricky and simply forgot about it. But now, now I was curious once again.

I opened it, flipping through the pages until the photo of myself and Ricky dropped out onto my stomach. I read the date at the top before beginning the entry.

'1-15-09

God its becoming so hard to hide my feelings  for her. We graduate in less than six months and that doesn't give me nearly enough time. I'm moving and she's staying here... How can I pursue this dream of a life with this beautiful creature when  she won't even come with me? I guess it's partially because of her German Shepherd and her family or maybe her life long dream to be a photographer. But she could come too. We could be a happy family... Well... Just without a relationship... I'm just so confused. I wish I knew what to do..

O'

When I finished I couldn't help but feel uneasy. I let the picture I had holding fall from my hand and I emerged from my hiding spot, gripping the wall for support. My legs felt weak and frail, seeing as I hadn't walked much in the past few days and now my head throbbed, radiating around my eyes and nose. I stepped into the bathroom clumsily and rummaged through my makeup bag for some loose migraine medicine. That search being unsuccessful, I headed to the back lounge.

I dropped to my knees, reaching back into a cubby hole to grab my medicine bag. I took out what I needed and swallowed them, leaning back against the couch for support.

I just couldn't shake that passage. That book seemed to be more about my life than I thought. The dog. The photography dream. All of it. I sat there for at least an hour, racking my brain. Who the hell wrote this god forsaken book and why did I have to find it. It had done nothing but change me for months. It kept me up countless nights, made me stress and over think its passages and caused fights between Ricky and myself. Which also raised the question, why the hell did Ricky get so butt hurt over a stupid tattered notebook with some hopeless romantic's daydreams of his high school sweetheart poured out onto its pages?

I heard the bus door open and turned my head lazily toward it expecting to see Corey with my requested coffee in tow. Instead I was greeted by the soft thump of tiny feet. Then, from around the corner of the couch, a white ball of energy burst into a sprint across the carpet and tackled me. I lifted it to eye level, staring into the eyes of a puppy that looked to be a wolf mix, his crystal blue eyes twinkling with life. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I pulled him into my chest, hugging him tightly.

"We passed an animal shelter on the way back and well, I asked to stop." Ricky mumbled, taking a seat on the floor beside me. "He's 75 percent wolf and 25 percent Siberian husky." He added, looking at me with a hopeful smile. I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder and began to cry.

"Thank you so much." I whispered. Pulling away, I peered into his eyes, our noses nearly touching. I had never felt such a strong urge to just kiss him. To tangle my fingers in his messy locks and just forcefully kiss him for as long as he'd allow me too. I shook my head, scolding myself before noticing that I had somehow ended up in his lap when someone cleared their throat, breaking my concentration. I scrambled off his lap awkwardly before wiping my tears and picking up the newest member of the Motionless in White crew to be met by Corey, who held my coffee and a smug grin.

"You can thank Vinny and Balz for insisting on getting him." She said, taking his face into her hands and kissing the top of his head. She rolled her eyes, looking back at the both of them. "I swear I feel like a mother to them." 

"Thank you guys. You really don't know how much I needed this." I responded, hugging them both.

"Well, what are you going to name him?" Balz asked and I sighed, staring down at him before replying.

"Shiloh."