Et Tu?

Maybe I Want More

"I am getting tired of coming here to visit you, Travis. The guards out front enjoy frisking me entirely too much and if they threaten to do a cavity search on me I will never come back here again, I can promise you that."

Travis lets out a low, gravely sort of laugh. Of course he would find something like that funny. He even goes so far as to say that when people see merchandise as good as mine, it's only natural that they'd want a feel to make sure it's real. I have half a mind to reach across this table and slap him but the guards would kick me out for that.

"Don't even, ok? You and I both know everything I have is nothing more than what God gave me." Except for about 18ʺ of hair if we're being completely honest... "Furthermore, I couldn't afford any fake body parts even if I wanted them with you sucking up every extra dollar I earn!"

He laughs again and the sound of it turns my stomach. In fact, everything about this room is making me sick. The way the walls are painted some sick color that's not quite vomit green and not quite dingy grey but somewhere in between. The way there's gum stuck not only to the bottom of the table but on the top and sides as well. The way the linoleum tiles are cracked and chipped, revealing what looks like mold cement floors. Travis isn't making me feel any better either. Imagine I get the day off to make up for the fact that I have to work that stupid party tomorrow and instead of visiting Taya, I had to come visit this fool. I could have been with my child and instead I'm here looking at his useless face. His beard has taken over more than half his face and his braids are so stale and unkempt that he could be breeding a new species of lice in there for all we know. Gross.

"What do you want, Travis? I could have gone and spent my day with Taya instead of wasting it here with you."

That wiped the smile right off his face. He leans on the table, giving me his serious face (which he reserves for special occasions such as hitting me up for more money). "So why didn't you bring her with you?"

This question comes up at least once every time I visit him (which is less and less often these days). The answer never changes yet he still keeps asking. Why? Because Travis is stubborn and hard of hearing and stupid.

"I am not bringing my child-"

"Our daughter..."

"My daughter, in this place just to see you. If you want to see her so badly then you'll learn to keep your ass out of jail."

He folds his hands in front of him, unable to say anything. Honestly, what is left for him to say anymore? Every time he gets out, he makes this big speech about how he's going to change, he gets my hopes up as well as Taya's, all just so he can get caught doing something stupid and have his ass thrown in jail again. Then I have to explain to Taya why daddy isn't around anymore. Every. Single. Time.

"Anyway um...where are you living now? Is it still that place on Cherry Street? Because, as you know, I'll be out soon and I need to let them know my new address."

"Then you need to ask them if they can recommend a good halfway house because you aren't staying with me."

Shock and anger registers on his face straight away and it isn't long before he's stomping his feet and getting ready to throw a tantrum. I don't even flinch but the guard standing in the corner does. Travis settles down real quick.

"Is that all you wanted? Because you could've asked me that over the phone instead of making me come down here."

"Come on Tae, don't be so cold."

Shaking my head slowly, begin tracing circles around my temple. This fool is giving me a migraine. The only reason I even bother to visit him these days is because like a fool I keep mistaking the man he is now for the boy he used to be when we first got together. Back then he was ambitious and entirely too naïve for his own good which is why I thought he needed someone to care for him. But somewhere along the line he got mixed in with his older brother's good for nothing group of friends and look where they both are now... Travis' brother was shot dead before he even made it to twenty-five and Travis can't keep out of trouble to save his own life. At this point I'm mostly putting up with him for Taya's sake or so I tell myself. Taya seems to have stopped caring to be honest.

"How am I being cold? We're not married, we aren't related and we for sure as hell aren't sleeping together, so what the hell possessed you to think that you would be staying with me when you get out?"

"But we could be sleeping together if you let me..."

All of a sudden there's a throbbing at the base of my skull. Five more minutes of this and I'll have a full on migraine. Sometimes I wonder if he's this dumb on purpose. "Why would I want to do that? Honestly being with you was one bad trip after another. The best thing that came out of our relationship was Taya and I can't afford for another one of her to happen again any time soon because you won't even- you can't even- help me take care of her now. So no, we won't be sleeping together any time soon because you'll be staying at a halfway house, ok?"

Travis glides his tongue across the front of his teeth, trying not to let the left side of his nose scrunch the way it does when he's angry. "So this is how you treat your man now, huh?" he asks.

"My man?" I try not to laugh out loud but fail miserably. "That is not the term that I would use. Whatever it is that we are, I keep waiting around for you to change but you aren't giving me anything to work with, Travis. If it weren't for Taya I might not even feel obligated to take you on anymore because that's all that I feel for you, Travis. Obligation. If you want me to call you my man or any of the benefits that come with that you need to start putting in a lot more effort."

Without waiting for a response, I get up and leave. It doesn't matter anyway. This isn't the first time that I've made that speech to Travis and he never has a response for it. At the very least, he's stopped making his empty promises.

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