𝕐𝕆𝕌𝕋𝕚𝔽𝕌𝕃

𝟘𝟘𝟙

For @haliminkosesi and @Kiara_Channie for reminding me this existed and that it needed republished... again TT

Changbin doesn't mean to. He never did.

But somehow, after every meal, he finds himself in the nearest bathroom, knees colliding with the cold tile, fingers in his throat.

He doesn't mean to.

It just...happens.

He's not an idiot. He's seen the comments.

Fat. Pig. Visual hole. Why is he even a member?

"Dweakki" from his teammates is one thing. It's his SKZOO, after all. But "pig" from so-called fans is another.

Lately, he can't help but wonder- do the others think the same things as the fans when they see him?

They have to.

After all, he's not slim like Jisung and Seungmin, nor ethereal like Felix and Hyunjin, or even handsome like Chan and Lee Know. He doesn't have Jeongin's infectious smile or sharp features. He's just...him. Changbin, the visual hole, the rapper.

But really, when he pauses to think about it, they were all trained to be all-rounders. He's the only one that can't measure up.

He just can't win.

If he's muscular, Chan coos over how strong, how cute he is. 

As if that will make him see himself differently. 

 As for the fans...they call him fat.

 But then when he loses the weight, purges the fat, there's worry in Minho's eyes when they scan him over, and guilt is written over Chan's features.

Because they know.

They know, and Changbin doesn't know how, but they do.

They haven't come out and said it, but he can tell.

It's in the way Chan makes sure to wake up early, makes breakfast, watches over him and Jisung and Hyunjin, ensures they eat.

It's in the way Minho brings extra snacks to practice, practically shoves them down his throat during breaks, drags the others over for supper most evenings when Chan is at the studio.

They know, but it doesn't unduly worry Changbin.

Because all they know is that he doesn't eat if he isn't forced to. They don't know that whatever food they do force him to eat he forces out as soon as he can.

They don't need to know.

It'll be better for them if they don't know.

It's been a familiar cycle, and he would be lying if he said it didn't upset him slightly. He's a grown man, yet both of his hyungs act as though he's breakable glass.