اوووه! هذه الصورة لا تتبع إرشادات المحتوى الخاصة بنا. لمتابعة النشر، يرجى إزالتها أو تحميل صورة أخرى.
In the stillness of my room, indulging in the quietness and savoring the taste of otap, a Filipino delicacy, an overwhelming thought crossed my mind - the feeling of emptiness. This familiar sensation has haunted me for years, rendering me numb, stoic, and ultimately empty. But where did this emptiness truly originate from?
Reflecting on my past, a significant realization hit me as I chewed on my otap. I traced the roots of this feeling back to my early years in kindergarten when my 'best in Filipino' award mysteriously disappeared from being pinned on my dress. While it may have seemed shallow to others, this accolade held immense value to me. It represented my achievements and filled me with a sense of pride as a child. However, dismissive words from my parents clouded my disappointment. "It's just a ribbon, no need to be upset. You can get another one next time." Unable to express my true emotions, I bottled up my sadness and learned to bury my feelings deep within.
This pattern persisted throughout my life. I mastered the art of suppressing negative emotions, rarely shedding tears even in moments of profound sorrow or anger. But eventually, the weight of these concealed emotions became unbearable, manifesting as sudden outbursts over seemingly insignificant things, bewildering those around me. The breaking point came when my father passed away. I threw myself into competitions, using them as a distraction, an escape from the pain I couldn't bear to face. While tears were shed in private, I feared exposing my vulnerability and disappointing my coaches. The pandemic brought an end to my competitive pursuits, leaving me vulnerable and exposed to a wellspring of repressed emotions.
Stuck in a state of emptiness, with nothing to do and no distractions, my emotions spiraled out of control. Overwhelmed by anger, regret, and profound sadness, I found myself at a loss. It became clear that I had never properly dealt with these emotions when they initially arose. Instead, I suppressed them, distracting myself until they boiled over. Seeking help from a psychiatrist, I learned the importance of processing emotions and expressing them appropriately.
The journey to healing led me to find solace in writing. Though I cannot claim to have mastered the art, each word written becomes a stepping stone towards better self-expression. Through writing, I can finally confront and release the pent-up emotions that had plagued me for so long. It is through this medium that I begin to unravel the complexities of my own emotions, one baby step at a time.
Expressing ourselves and processing emotions is vital for our mental well-being. It is a reminder that we are human, and our emotions deserve to be acknowledged and addressed. Whether through writing, talking with loved ones, or seeking professional help, finding healthy outlets for self-expression allows us to navigate the depths of our emotions and discover the path to healing.
As I continue on this journey, I am grateful for the lessons learned and the progress made. Embracing emptiness has become a catalyst for growth, pushing me to go deeper into understanding myself and my emotions. The emptiness that once governed my system is now evolving into a canvas upon which I can paint my own story that I love to share to all of you.
