Behind Every Lies

04| WHEN RESPONSIBILITIES ARRIVE

CHAPTER FOUR
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Boredom is really something that you can't easily defeated. When a person is lack on socializing as well as no social life at all, then their life will be nothing but complete nonsense. Therefore, that's the ideal why I was made and live in this world; a corpse whose been long dead, a ghost that wondering the world of disaster.

Funny how come I longer live in this world and never chose to give up despite all the struggles I've encountered, nonetheless I chose to repeatedly suffered from all the battles that I was forced to played and won. Wounds can completely heal on time, a broken object can be repaired even in a slow process, but does the soul can be reborn when it was long dead at all?

Some people might say "You aren't dead yet, you're just lost in the process of building yourself". I hope that's really true although I knew already that the truth will never be the same as what I expected it when I was a kid.

Yes, there is a chance in our life where we thought that it was already in our limit or when we already close on giving up, but hastily making fuss out of it is something that we shouldn't normalize. We can't just easily said that we want to quit, when you know it to yourself that you aren't making any progress nor when you are not started yet. You can't say over without making any action at the beginning.

What is the essence of trying when fighting wasn't a choice either?

I shook my head and diverted my gaze towards the book that I currently holding. I was spacing out again awhile ago, I should focus on my study than to think for the things that I knew will never be resolve.

We will have a long quiz tomorrow plus a graded recitation thus I ended up to studied than to rest my mind and find solace. I looked at the small clock on the study table where my laptop can be found beside it.

1:30 A.M.

I sighed, its been six and half hours since I started studying. When I got home from university I straightedly went into my room and locked the door before I threw myself on the bed. Rested a bit, then I proceeded taking a warm shower before going down in our dinning table when our housemaid called me that the dinner is already served. Wearing a simple chocolate brown paired pajama with my favourite sleeper I went down in our dinning table and detected my parents and siblings have a serious conversation. Despite my brain constantly reminded that I should act composed my heart contradicted it aggressively, with my heart tamped rashly and bids of cold sweat formed in my forehead and palm, I knew the dinner would never turn great, and I was right. While eating the food that been served on our table, my parent's started questioning us about serious matters causing for my appetite to be lost.

With the constant pressure and responsibilities they kept on putting in our back, the weight of each and every fiber of it we're no longer know how to carry. Instead of motivating their child, they more focus on giving us a task that should been dealing with just a oldies and adults. What do they think a young person like us would do? Do they really think we can do all of those without losing our self in the process of making them proud and not dissapointed?

If only I had a power to voice out my opinion, maybe I can help not just me but as well as my other siblings for those hellish workloads. But I was only a puppet, I was only being controlled by their orders and movement. They made us blind, deaf, and mute who would only follow their every command that they put on our front.

When the dinner is already done that is the only time were I breath from the tight griped that they are forcefully holding. I hurriedly went to my room and locked it, I sat on my chair near my bedside table then looked at my room's ceiling. Many thoughts rush trough my mind that ended up made my mind clouded with negativity, so in order for me to avoid those harsh and dreadful thoughts I walked towards my study table and started studying, focusing the task being presented in front of me and that made my mind clear for the mean time.

I already knew for a decade already that the responsibilities that I needed to carried on my bare back would be bigger and bigger as I grew older. If only I can stay as a child maybe I can at least be free from other responsibilities.

I was already tired and nearly giving up, only holding for the tiny little light of hope.

Yes, I knew that responsibilities was been given for each individuals, but I still kept on questioning myself if there is a chance where a person doesn't have any responsibilities, because if yes, how so unfair? Why would I needed to bare them all together?

I was also a human; I can be tired, lose in the process, or give up in time. I'm not a robot that they can order freely, I also had feelings just like any other living things. I should be matter, and not just a puppet that can be order.

I was valid, matter, love, and treasure, but none of those things are been giving to myself in my entire life. All I could felt was a frustration, disappointment, sadness, consciousness, depression, and cowardly, and nothing in between.

I admitted that I wasn't not a good one nor a perfect individual, but I can manage to be better for those person who cherish me as who I am, and not on what I can offer.

Some people befriended me for fame or for connection, and not for anything serious like attachment. Money is the second reason, they say you are lucky if you have a friend who is rich, because they can help you financially or you can easily barrow money from them, but in my state I refused to agreed on that quotation. It's not like I can help them either with their personal problem when I myself is suffering from all the dilemma that I was facing right now. Joke for them for thinking that they can be known just by befriending me or being around me, I don't have any good reputation anyway beside the fact that I am a daughter of a politician.

That's one of the reason why people hated me, they said that i'm so full of myself just because my family is well known and I was living a life of luxury, other even said that I just got a special treatment from every professor in our school because I came from a influential family, and so my grades was being looked at as well; they kept on pushing the idea that I only cheated and bid the university in order for me to got high grades.

Funny how they view my grades as cheating when in fact it was all pure hardship. I risked, spend, lose, and suffered for all the frustration and anxiety all along the process just for me to maintain those grades. It's not even true that I threaten our professor for the sake of having a good grades, how unfair they can be. Spreading false accusation on me just to taint my reputation, but do they really think they can dragged me with those insult they kept on throwing? They are all joke.

Instead of minding their little stupid game, I just chose to avoid being involved in a fight that will caused for my dear reputation to be more tainted at it was at the moment. After all, i'm not fond of messing those people who seem ignorant from all the truth that was presenting in front of their faces.

I shook my head and then reclined on my chair, resting for a little bit. Those people only bring me stress and headache, and not a little ounce of inferiority. Their mindless opinion and accusation will not moved the wall of barrier that I already build a long time ago.

I looked again at my desk and directed my gaze on the pile of papers and tasked that I need to submit for tomorrow, good thing was I already finished those and doesn't cram my answers. I'm not really fond of procrastinating my works, mañiana habits was really one of a dangerous habits that you could possibly developed. It will make you lazy as time goes by, sometimes it can attribute a big factor on why you are distracted and couldn't focus on one certain tasked, instead of one it results for multiple problems. The only good and possible way to avoid hassle was to be responsible and know your priorities.