Daughter of Starlight

Chapter Twenty Seven: Jump

I'm still unsure about this chapter, guys. It took a darker turn than I had originally intended it to, and although I like how it ended up, I would appreciate comments telling me what you think.

That night, just as every other night I'd spent in Erebor, brought little sleep. Burrowing under the thick fur covers in the bedchamber I had picked did little to keep out the frigid air deep within the mountain, as did the fire in the hearth. I was accustomed to either the almost humid underground of the Woodland Realm or the summery air in Rivendell, not this bitter cold that seeped into my skin and numbed my fingertips. And that wasn't even the worst of it. I felt as if the cold stone walls were closing in on me, trapping me inside the mountain and keeping me away from the light of the stars outside, holding me back from the freedom the open air gave me.

It was also during these long nights that dark thoughts taunted me, most of them questions that repeated themselves endlessly, all of them beginning with the words what if.

What if I hadn't given the Gems away? Would the Woodland Realm have really gone to war with Erebor, or would Smaug have come before that could happen? What if my father had just given me the chance to explain why I had done it? Would he have banished me if he had known? But these questions didn't bring quite as much sorrow as one that I asked myself much more.

What if it was too late?

This was the question that forced me to sit up from where I laid in my bed, my arms wrapped around myself as I tried to quell my sudden sobs. But the despair that had been building up these last few days finally overflowed, and the fear that I would never be able to return home climaxed as I cried, leaving me an emotional wreck in my bedchamber.

When I was done crying, I wiped the remaining tears from my face and threw off my covers. I paced around the room for awhile, trying to clear my mind, but the more I tried to not think about that question, the more it tormented me.

Thorin was never going to let me have the gems, so I had no choice but to take them. I knew that. But what then? What if it really was too late? What if I gave the Gems to Thranduil, and he still didn't accept me? What if my betrayal was beyond repair? What if the place I used to have at home was gone forever? Where would I go? there was no way I could stay here. While the company would probably be more than happy to have me live with them, I knew Thorin would never allow it. I could go back to Rivendell, but it would never be the same. I had felt unwelcome there, being a Woodland elf among the Rivendell elves, odd and wild compared to the regal dignity of Elrond's court. I would never fit in there, nor anywhere else. The Woodland Realm was where I belonged, and I would never be allowed to return.

The claustrophobia that had been creeping up on me in the stone room became unbearable. I needed some fresh air, so I decided to take a walk along the ramparts. Before leaving my bedchamber, I pulled on the sweater Ori had knitted me over the tunic I had received in Lake-town. I had confessed to the company how cold I always was in the mountain, and a few hours later, Ori was shyly presenting me with his gift. It was a dull grey color, and he had misjudged my measurements, making the arms a tad bit too long and the sweater itself a little too short, but it was warm and soft, and I was grateful for it.

I quietly made my way out of the corridor where the company had chosen to sleep, a corridor filled with open-doored bedchambers like mine. The only thing I could hear as I left was the obnoxious snores of every single dwarf echoing in the halls, and I believed that I would be able to hear it from where Thorin had chosen to sleep, a few floors up in the royal quarters. I saw that Bilbo's was empty, but I didn't concern myself with it. He was probably with Thorin somewhere, being the only person His Majesty trusted anymore.

When I made it to the ramparts, I was greeted by harsh, frigid winds blowing my hair around my face. I walked through the thin layer of snow that already covered the stone, but was unaware of the cold seeping into the soles of my all but destroyed boots.