The secret he has to hide

I'm Not Coping

Damon got back to the hotel and went to the bar, found an empty table and ordered drinks.
He'd been sitting about ten minutes when some girls came over and sat down, he couldn't really be bothered but didn't want to be rude so thought he'd let them sit for a bit then excuse himself and go to his room.
The girls talked about the usual subjects and he politely answered trying to be his usual fun, bouncy self. He kept drinking and that seemed to help, it didn't take before the flirty side of him came out, the girls liked that. After a while he started to think maybe a bit of sex would improve his mood, set him back to normal. Now to see which of the girls would come up to his room
"So you guys staying in the same place?"
"Yep we booked a double room at the hotel down the road"
"Ah so you'll have to go back together?"
"We planned to why?"
"Just wondering"
"We don't have to go, we can stay"
"I'm heading up to my room in a minute"
"You wanted to know if one of us would come with you"
They both laughed
"Well maybe"
"Well if you wanted we could both come with you"
They smiled
Now Damon had a decision to make, did he do an Alex and take two girls to his room or politely refuse. The drink was clouding his head, what the hell maybe having a bit of fun with both would help his mood
"Mmm that sounds like a good idea"
They all finished their drinks and Damon took them both up.
He ordered a couple of bottles of champagne, it always seemed to impress people when he ordered champagne. He poured two glasses out of one and he just drank out of the other bottle.
It didn't take long for the fun to start, it didn't take long for Damon to get into it. After his mood went straight back to feeling shit and he just wanted them out of his room.
"Come on then girls I need to get some sleep, get some peace and quiet you know"
They looked at him, their faces looked a bit hurt. Yes he felt a bit bad but he couldn't be bothered, he wanted to be alone and in a way he'd lost respect for the girls, the fact that they were willing to do what they'd done.
"Oh ok, right."
They quickly put their clothes on and left.
Alex was walking down the corridor and saw two girls scurrying out of Damon's room. He was surprised there was two, Damon never usually had two. He was concerned but didn't want to disturb him, he was obviously in a mood.
When they got on the bus the next morning it was still raining and everyone seemed down. Kerry was concerned but knew not to interfere, that usually made things worse. On the bus Graham and Damon went straight to their bunks and pulled the curtain along, Alex and Dave sat at different tables and ignored each other. The journey to Manchester was going to be awkward.
The rain stopped but started again when they got to Manchester. They dropped their bags in their hotel room's, did a couple of interviews then all headed back to their rooms.
Kerry went over to Andy
"I think we should leave them alone today, their all in a mood and not talking, hopefully some time alone and they'll sleep it off"
"Probably a good idea, though we should keep an eye on how much alcohol they order."
"Thing is even if we think it's too much we can't say anything to them because they'll just kick off"
"True but maybe after the tour we can talk to them"
"We'll see."
Damon lay on his bed staring at the ceiling, he felt so alone. His three best friends weren't talking to him, they used to be a gang, the four of them against the world, they used to hang out together, do things together, confide in each other. Him and Graham best friends right through school now cracks were appearing, they all had their own lives but they didn't really know what was going on in each other's lives. Graham would come to him sometimes when he had a bit of a breakdown but that was only when they were on tour really. He didn't know how it had got to this point, he didn't know why it had happened and he couldn't believe no one had noticed it happening. He just felt so lost.
He sat up, grabbed his bag, pulled out some drugs and cigarettes and got a drink out of the mini fridge. He dropped some pills, lined up some coke and rolled a joint. He wanted to get out of his head, he wanted to stop thinking.
He wasn't quite sure how long he lay there drinking and smoking but the next he knew it was dark. He went out on the balcony and looked around at the city, it looked so depressing, dark cracked buildings, the rain pouring down. He could see lights on some buildings, a few lights trying to make the city look alive but the rest of the city looked dark and broken. He looked down at the car park below, cars lined up like a child would line up their toy cars and at the end sat their tour bus, Damon never wanted to get on that bus again. It was then he realised he was soaking wet from the rain.
He went back in to get a towel, dropped some more pills and got another drink. He was at the point of being drunk when your half depressed and half wanting to have fun. He started to think what he could do to cheer himself up, what he could do that was fun, that was hard stuck in a hotel room. He wasn't interested in getting any girls up, he still wanted to be alone. Going back over to the bedside table he decided to drop some acid and see where that took him. After stars on the ceiling, colours all over the room and a few cats he went back out on the balcony. This time the city looked alive, lights everywhere, all the cars looked colourful. He wanted to see the city better, to see how far he could see, he wanted to see past all the buildings. He dragged a chair out and stood on it, his knees braced against the back of the chair as he lent forward, he wanted to get higher, he put one foot on the railing.
Alex wanted some fresh air, he went downstairs and out into the car park, the car park was out the back so no one would bother him. He couldn't be arsed with the shit of people not talking to each other, Graham and Damon always ended up being in a mood with each other, he just ignored it now and got on with what he wanted to do, it always sorted itself out in the end. He took a drink from his bottle of wine and looked up. Alex dropped the bottle of wine, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Damon was on his balcony, one foot on the railing just looking around, Alex froze, then pulled himself together he had to do something, he dropped his cigarette and ran back into the hotel and straight up the stairs. He banged on Damon's door but didn't get an answer. He saw a cleaner and asked if she had a master key, at first she wouldn't give him it so he gave her some money. He got the door open and ran in. He grabbed Damon and pulled him down, Damon was fighting him, Alex had to think fast Damon was stronger than him. He managed to drag him to the bed, sat on him and pinned his arms down.
"For fucks sake you idiot, what the hell you doing?"
"I'm looking at the city, the lights. I wanted to see how far I could see, to see past all the buildings. Everything was pretty"
"Are you high?"
"What does it matter now get off me"
Damon's mood had dropped, Alex had stopped his fun plus he was coming down.
Alex wasn't sure about letting Damon up but he didn't want a fight.
"Look sit up and I'll make a coffee"
"I don't want a coffee"
"Well you're getting one"
Alex went over to the kettle, Damon lit a cigarette. Suddenly his mood improved again and it wasn't from the drugs. He stood up on the bed and started to jump around giggling like an idiot.
Alex turned around
"Get down you twat, you'll fall and break your neck or break the bed"
"Well if I break the bed I can tell people I broke it having sex"
Alex walked over and pulled him down
"Drink your fucking coffee"
They sat in silence for a bit and Damon's mood dropped again
"There I've drank the coffee now will you fuck off and leave me alone"
"You may want to be nice to the person who's just saved you from falling to your death"
"I didn't ask you to save me, maybe I didn't want to be saved. I was just having a bit of fun"
"Well I'll not bother next time, I'll just let you fall"
"Fine. Now leave me alone"
Alex couldn't be bothered with this shit, he was sick of Damon being such an arsehole, he could do what he wanted.
"Fuck you"
Alex left, slamming the door as he walked out.
Alex got back to his room and sat down, he was so angry. After a few minutes he started to worry, what if Damon climbed on the balcony again or did something else stupid. Alex could feel something was wrong but had no idea what, he knew very little about Damon's life away from the band, if it wasn't in the papers they never talked about it. They had grown apart and it would feel strange suddenly sticking his nose in Damon's life but it felt like he was going to have to, something was really wrong.
Alex got up and headed back to Damon's room.
Damon sat on the bed and watched Alex storm out. He felt like shit, he looked over at the balcony this time he was thinking about jumping off it. He couldn't cope with anything anymore. The touring, the interviews, the press following him around, the negative comments, the shit with oasis, the fans, the abuse from the public and of course on top of that there was what was going on in the band the arguing, the not speaking, the way they'd grown apart, it felt like he didn't know them anymore, everyone had their own lives, he had lost his best friends.
He wanted to stop thinking, to blank everything out, he wanted to switch off his feelings, to just not feel anything at all. He rummaged through his bag until he found his little wash bag he took it over to bed and emptied it out, it was full of drugs, he also got the ones from the bedside table. He picked up a handful of pills and swallowed them with larger, he set up some lines, took them then looked at the drugs on the bed. He was still thinking. He didn't know why he did it but for some reason he always kept some heroin in his bag, he hardly ever touched it but sometimes he got in such a state he did, right now was one of those times.
Alex knocked on the door, Damon didn't answer so he let himself in, he tried to be quiet incase he'd fell asleep. He saw Damon lying on the bed, the lights were off but street lights were shining through the windows. He went closer which was when he noticed the drugs on the bed beside him,  he saw the needle
"Damon, Damon, wake up"
Alex started to shake him, he didn't wake up
"Come on Damon, open your eyes"
Alex was starting to panic. He went to get some water and dropped some on Damon's face, his nose twitched so Alex dropped some more eventually Damon's eyes started to open a bit.
"There we go, come on, open your eyes"
"Alex, is that you?"
"Yeah it's me, come on sit up, drink some water"
Damon's eyes closed again, then tried to open them again, he tried to pull himself up but failed. Alex helped him but the movement made Damon throw up, Alex quickly got the bin. It was good he was being sick, it would get the drugs out of his system. But Damon still kept closing his eyes, kept drifting in and out, Alex was worried his best friend was in front of him throwing up, drifting in and out, not really able to communicate and he had no idea what to do.
"Alex I can't think, I'm not in control. Alex I'm sorry"
"Hey hey no need to be sorry just try and keep your eyes open and drink water"
"Alex am I dying"
Alex got up, he had to go and get Kerry. He lay Damon down with his head hanging over the edge of the bed hoping that would stop him choking if he was sick.
Kerry woke up, someone was knocking on her door, it was the middle of the night/early morning. She opened it to find Alex standing there looking worried, he walked straight in.
"Kerry I need help, Damon's out of it, he's being sick, then passing out, then trying to wake up, he can hardly move, he's not saying much it's like he can't form sentences. He must have took loads of drugs, I don't know he might be overdosing"
"Calm down, let's get to his room"
She threw on her dressing gown and followed Alex to Damon's room
"Well where is he?"
Alex looked at the bed Damon wasn't there, he ran out onto the balcony and looked down, thankfully he wasn't there
"Alex Alex he's here, come and give me a hand"
Alex ran back in, Damon had fell off the bed, he helped Kerry put him back on it.
Ever since Alex had walked in Damon had wanted to tell him everything but he couldn't stay conscious and when he was he couldn't get the words out, his brain wasn't functioning properly. He could feel his heart beat, slow like it was giving up, his breathing was slow he didn't feel like he was getting any oxygen. He felt like he was dying. He couldn't stop throwing up. He wanted things to end. Now Alex and Kerry were fussing around him, he needed to tell them what was happening but they seemed so far away, a fog was separating them and he couldn't get through it, if he did it was only for a minute.
"Kerry I don't know I mean I can't I'm sorry"
He closed his eyes again
"Damon, Damon it's Kerry can you look at me? You don't need to say sorry, just look at me, settle yourself down"
He threw up again then passed out
"Alex we need to call an ambulance, we can't do anything and he's not improving"
"God you're right he's a mess and we're out of our depth but the press, the newspapers etc"
"Alex he could die! We can't think about all that other shit right now"
She picked up the phone and called nine nine nine.
"Hi I need an ambulance, my friend I think he's overdosing, I don't know exactly what he's taken but he's in a bad way I think he's dying"
She put the phone down and turned to Alex
"Ambulance is on the way"
Kerry got on the bed with Damon and held his head up, Alex paced the floor.
After what seemed like forever Alex saw the blue flashing lights, and there was a knock on the door. Alex opened the door and the paramedics rushed over to Damon, they made Kerry and Alex move out of the way, they couldn't see what was happening properly, just them putting needles in him, using various machines and hooking him up to a monitor. By this point Andy, Graham and Dave had appeared. Andy came over
"What's happened? We heard banging and when we looked out we saw the commotion and paramedics and realised it was Damon's room"
"Alex found him, he was overdosing, we couldn't do anything we had to call the ambulance"
He walked back to Graham and Dave and spoke to them for a minute. The next thing anyone knew Graham was shouting, asking what was happening etc.
the paramedics got Damon onto a trolley and headed for the ambulance.
"Who found him? You can come with us"
Alex pushed forward and followed them to the ambulance and jumped in the back. Andy got into the hire car to follow and Kerry said she'd get ready and meet them there.
She was just standing in Damon's room looking at the floor and she heard the door close, Graham and Dave walked towards her, Dave spoke quietly
"How much do you know about what happened?"
"Not much. I was asleep and Alex knocked on my door, all he said was Damon was in a state, drifting in and out, not really able to move, not communicating properly and was being sick. That he'd took a lot of drugs but he didn't know what. Alex thought he was overdosing and he didn't know what to do. I came into the room, he really was in a bad way I tried to help but it was obvious we couldn't so I had no choice but to call an ambulance. Aside from that I know nothing, I don't know why Alex went to his room in the first place, it sounds like Alex just found him like that, that he wasn't there when Damon took the drugs. So I don't know why Damon took that many or what he took, I'm going to have a look at what's lying around, what's on the bed so I can get an idea and tell the hospital when I get there"
Dave put his hand on her shoulder
"This seems serious. It feels different, not like he wanted to have a bit of fun or just get out of his head for an hour or two. It feels like more than that, it feels like something's wrong"
She started to cry, her hands shaking
Dave put his arms around her.
"Probably just wanted to be the centre of attention again"
Snapped Graham.
Kerry looked up from Dave's shoulder
"No Graham, you didn't see him. This wasn't for attention. He was a mess. It was just like he didn't want anyone to find him"
"Right, sure. Are you sure he just didn't fancy trying the tortured artist hat on and since he's an idiot he went to far"
Kerry couldn't believe what she was hearing
"He's your best friend for god sake"
Graham walked out of the door
Dave looked straight at her
"Don't worry about what he's saying, it's probably just his way of coping with it. Come on let's see if we can find out what he took."
They began to look around Dave noticed how many empty cans and bottles were lying around. Kerry found four bags of pills but they didn't say what they were, next to them was some lsd, sleeping pills and Prozac which he'd been prescribed. Dave found some coke and heroin.
"He's been drinking a hell of a lot and there's quite a few different drugs around"
"Did you know he'd been prescribed sleeping pills and Prozac?"
"No, he never said anything. Kinda explains why it's been creeping into his lyrics"
Kerry went to get ready, Dave bagged up the drugs, he thought he better take them to the hospital so they knew what he'd taken.
When they were ready they ordered a car and Dave went to see if Graham wanted to come.
Graham answered the door to find Dave standing there
"We've got a car coming do you want to come to the hospital with us"
"No thanks I'll stay here, you can call me when you know what's happening"
"Oh ok if you're sure"
With that Dave walked away
Graham shut his door, sat down and got a drink
He kind of wanted to go to the hospital but he was scared of seeing Damon like this. When he'd walked into his room to see the paramedics and Damon lying there he was terrified, he thought he was going to watch his best friend die, he didn't want to think about it getting angry was his way of blocking out the reality of the situation now he wanted to get drunk and sleep and hopefully find that this was all a dream.