Murder in Silva written by Mirayakubu
INITIAL IMPRESSION | 9/15
Title & cover
The cover here is pretty good, so while it has the opportunity to look a little more polished, it does do the job. Some things to fix: the picture in the back is a little out of focus and would look better if it was a bit sharper, and the cover overall is very simple and doesn't pop out too much. We've got lots of designers here at Dreamland that might work with you if you're interested in that route!
The title isn't super unique, but it also gets across some of the vibes of this book and has a bit of intrigue. I appreciate that it connects back to the blurb! It's a bit tell-y, but sometimes that works well, so I try not to be too strict with titles.
Blurb
I like how short and simple this blurb is! It's straight to the point and tells us exactly what we're going to read about. There are a few grammatical errors that make it a bit hard to understand, so I'll explain those in the next section and you can apply them to the blurb as well if you want. Lastly, I don't think the ending line is very powerful (I really don't like questions in blurbs and think they're overused/under dramatic) and has the ability to be a lot better. For example, just turning the last line into 'it's only a matter of time before she breaks under the pressure' would work a lot better for readers who like to see a full-circle picture and a firm ending.
LOGISTICS 9/15
Too many commas
A comma splice is when a comma is incorrectly used to separate two independent clauses. This means you have two separate thoughts and sentences that need to have a semicolon or even a period, but instead you use a comma. For example:
'Sara cursed out in frustration, the knife dropping to the floor with a clatter, this was the third time that day she cut herself while trying to chop vegetables.'
Between 'clatter' and 'this', you have a comma when you should have a semicolon (period works too, but a semicolon would be ideal here). This might not seem like too big of a deal, but it can be very hard to read sometimes, so I'd put some effort into finding these in your writing and getting rid of them. This is the main grammatical issue in your writing and the one I would focus on in editing since it will make the biggest difference.
Too few commas
There are also a few areas where you don't use a comma when you need to. For example:
'It didn't matter though, whatever it was she would fend it off.'
'She would fend it off' is a fully formed sentence with all the things a sentence needs. Therefore, you need to use a comma before 'she' to make this grammatically correct. A good trick: If you read this out loud, you might find you take a natural slight pause where that comma should be. That's a good sign you need a comma.
Dialogue tags
A dialogue tag is anything that describes the way something is said and therefore cues us to know who is speaking. Be careful not to mess this up with an action tag, which also cues us to who is speaking, but by describing an action that comes with/during the dialogue and not the dialogue itself.
Action tags work like regular sentences, but dialogue tags are a bit different. Commas are used after the dialogue, and a lowercase is used to start the tag, like this:
