Professor Hwang Dae-Ho: Lost in Seoul @NK-Heather
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences.
I read 7 chapters of your story available at this time.
Your book is tagged as action-adventure and K-drama, so I looked first and foremost at how exciting the main intrigue is, if the fighting scenes are snappy and if the characters are larger than life. Your tags have a nice variety to them with a mix of genre, subgenre, mood and the specials the story serves.
Your title aligns with the Asian drama tradition to basically have a logline as the title of the story. Seoul in the title is likely to speak to the fellow K-drama devotees. The blurb gives a hint that there is a lot of adventure, but it is generic, utilizing filler words that reduce interest: suddenly, unlikely, reluctantly, big city... all of that is already clear from context (in other words, people don't put going missing on their schedule half-a-year in advance and Seoul is absolutely a big city, etc). Instead of these words, I suggest an emotional hook that explains why a group of friends decides to search for their professor and an urgent deadline. I have a suggestion a bit later for what this hook/deadline might be.
In terms of the set up, chapters 1 to 3 introduce almost the entire cast with a small addition later on. Casting-wise, I believe you have filled the roles for a drama very successfully and they are clear as the story progresses. I think there is only one or two characters I would eliminate from the story at this early stage to reduce the character overload (the other professor and Dr. Jenny--if they are needed later, introduce them later. For example other professor may step in after Dae-ho is missing and the good doctor could show up when her expertise is needed for the investigation).
The trouble I have with chapters is the number of students multiplied by the monotonous flow of the events. You keep telling and telling and telling, without giving me the reason to be interested, breaking the chapter into separate scenes that start, build up, culminate and end in some conclusion--until I arrive at the end of chapter 2. I am talking about the scene that introduces Chairman Choi. This is a turning point of your story writing. From that point on, the story has an easy to follow progression and the conflict that is identifiable.
Here are my suggestions that I believe can help you revamp the beginning of your story to give it a more successful start, while using the pieces you already have and adding a little extra.
Start the story with Chairman Choi's scene. Why? Firstly, it has a clear conflict that sets the events of the book in motion. Secondly, it gives me the reason to read about the university students and their professor while engaged in figuring out which one of them is Chairman Choi's son.
Next, because your story is in the action-adventure genre--and I think you are doing a good job in chapters 3-7 in keeping up with it--I would suggest breaking the chapter 1-2 university and Min-ho's home life sequence into a few key scenes, shortening them, while preserving the key points. Min-ho cares for his sickly father figure (I would select an illness other than Alzheimer's, such as schizophrenia) and loves dancing. Lee Yul loves poetry. Jisoo is Min-ho's loyal friend who doesn't like the Eun twins. However, Brother Eun is a tech wiz. I suggest more focused delivery to convey these points and for all of the scenes to happen in or before/after Dae-ho class, in separate POV chapters. Add hints that could make either Min-ho or Lee Yul a candidate to be Choi's son. Because the guessing game would be involved, with some pruning, it would be interesting to get through it until current chapter 3's reveal of the real son--who was up to that point hiding in plain sight.
The last suggestion I have is to give Min-ho personal stakes to find Dae-ho and introduce a pressing deadline. For this, I suggest moving the events of the story to the end of the first semester, before an all-important final exam that is worth a bit % of the grade. Because Min-ho has to care for his father, he didn't study as hard as he could have, and he depends on passing this exam to pas the course. He knows that Dae-ho is a fair professor who would grade reasonably, while the other professor who teaches the same course (and who steps in to teach it) and would administer and grade the exam in Dae-ho's absence, is known for the draconian custom of failing 60 or more percent of the class. Min-ho is sure he'd fail the class if Dae-ho is not found. This will provide urgency to find Dae-ho for Min-ho and clear personal stakes, improving the engagement.
In the remaining chapters, the pacing and plot progression are clear, so I would suggest simple editorial stuff to improve style a little bit. Correct your punctuation around the dialogues, weed out repetitive dialogue or anything irrelevant to the plot progression, and take a look at the spelling of the names for Eun twins, because you do not capitalize Woo and Bin throughout, making it hard to see the personal name. These simple changes will help immersive reading for me without altering the way you write. Another thing you can work on is firming up the beginnings and endings of the scenes, making them more distinctive. A quick backdrop before each new scene/POV and a wrap-up for each instead of a trail off would be something to look at.
Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful!
