Sea of Temptation ; Simon Riley.

Chapter 44.

It had simply been just a month, I didn't really understand it either. But his eyes always seemed to read mine perfectly, to understand the suffering person that I was always trying to hide. That must've made me feel differently. In his arms I found a comfort that I only felt with my mother, and it was strange.

I never relied on anyone, then he barged in my life with his damned mysterious being and fucked me up. In every way.

I didn't really understand how people could have such a feeling, it seemed silly, a simple game for the head and the heart. But maybe I was starting to understand. Simon Riley warmed my heart with his delicacy and sweetness, then squeezed it when he decided to be the asshole on duty.

It was an endless cycle, but then I understood that it was simply fear of loving and himself letting go. He was a man, a soldier with his duties. He had been through a terrible life, just like me, he didn't feel the need to waste his time on bullshit like love. He simply vented his stress and tiredness on my body, but he too was falling into this new 'sensation'.

He made it clear to me that he wasn't a man made for this, my throat closed at his words but deep down I understood him. How could two ruined souls like ours love each other? I was being reckless, delusional.

I had never loved anyone in my life. I wouldn't be able to give my all until I mended the broken pieces of my soul. I wasn't made for love either, in fact, I didn't even deserve it. I didn't love myself, why would anyone else do that for me?

Deep down I would've given him my broken pieces to help repair his, it was the least I could do. I didn't know how to take care of my very own self, so why even bother to fix myself.

I had no mother, no father — now dead by my own hands. My uncle was gone too. I had an immense void in my heart, I had no more tears to shed, only an atrocious pain. I had always thought that once I avenged my mother I'd feel free, happier for having killed the demon that was on my neck constantly. Instead, my hands still felt dirty with his blood.

After what happened in the traphouse, I've been recovered in an hospital for my injuries. My sanity had finally reached rock bottom, I was completely crumpled. From time to time a psychiatrist would come to talk to me, I was given some medications to help me sleep and cope with the constant attacks I kept on having during the night.

John and the others would usually visit me, even Joyce. We were both grieving David's death, she was hurting so much and seeing me in this condition made everything worse. So for some time, I decided to keep her away until I had fully recovered. Thing that I wasn't that sure about.

In the week spent locked in that disgusting place, John discovered Jonathan and Makarov's plan from Sebastian. New bombs had been planted in the busiest centers of the city of Rochdale and they managed to stop them in time. It had taken them such a long time to find me because of that, and I hadn't blamed them at all. My life, unlike those of a million, counted nothing.

As for Ghost, he gave me my spaces but still came to visit me. He brang me flowers, teas from the hospital's vending machines, he left me some books to pass time on. And I was grateful for that.

Something deep inside me screamed that I didn't deserve any of this, I tried my best to just ignore it. It didn't feel right. Nothing actually felt right, from the moment I started working with his team till to this moment.

They could have found a better soldier, unlike me. It was so funny to think back to all the times I was sent back to base with the Medevac. Just because I couldn't get my shit collected and fight properly.

It was a clear sign that I needed a break from this, maybe not just a break. A damn retirement. Even the psychiatrist had told me so, and I was valuing the idea. It didn't sound bad. John surely wouldn't have agreed but it was for the sake of my sanity and his team. For Ghost, especially.