If you only knew

Flashbacks

Flashbacks

Everything is like it used to be. Get up. Go to school. Sleep. Just those 3 things on repeat. I get bullied in school, and it's not funny being in school anymore. I started being really absent, which worries my mum a lot.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I feel worthless, and like I'm not enough. I'm struggling again. No one knows what it feels like, what self-harming feels like, what suicidal thoughts really feels like. The thoughts of wanting to kill yourself, but you're too scared of how people would react when you are gone. Would anyone even care? How would my friends take my death? The fear of when my parents find me dead is scaring me.

But who would even care? I might ask for some help soon. I self-harm every day, and I feel like I deserve nothing, and I don't deserve help and care at all. Even though I need to get some help...

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''Nova, are you okay?'' Asher asks. Asher is my best friend, so I should not be lying to him, but I also do not want him to worry about me. I am Nova. Nova, everyone hates. Nova. Why am I even named Nova? What's wrong with me? Why does everyone hate me? Am I really that big of an asshole? Fuck I am zooming out again. Asher, please help!

''Nova?'' I hear his worrying in his voice. ''Nova, are you okay?'' Fuck. I am heavy breathing. Asher, help! ''Nova, breathe!''  I hear him yelling, but it feels like he is far away. The heavy breathing is making me feel like I'm going to pass out. ''Nova, you are having a panic attack. Breathe with me.'' Alright... I will... Fuck I cannot reply. ''1...2...3... breathe'' I do as he does. I can't get myself to speak.  it feels like someone is choking me.

That was scary. ''Nova? Are you alright?'' Asher asks. ''Yeah.'' I reply fast to stop him from worrying. ''Nova, what happened? Are you sure you are alright?'' He asks again. Maybe it's time to tell him about what is going on inside my head? No! He does not care. Stop yourself! Nova! Nova, stop yourself ''Promise not to get mad at me?'' I came up with a solution, and I will ask him that before telling him everything. ''Yes. Nova, I promise you.'' He replies fast. ''Asher... I... I....'' I cannot finish the sentence and I feel like I'm dying.

I got A+ on my essay, with Mrs. Daine. I'm so proud of myself, so I go home to show my mum and dad! I run inside our kitchen, to find no one. Oh! Mum is at work! Ellie. Ellie is my mum's name. Ellie Sunway. She was never satisfied with her last name, Sunway. So, she changed it to Ellie Sun Jones. When she met my dad, George Smith, she changed her name, when she got married with him. Her name is now Ellie Sun Smith. Sun to get reminded of her mum, my grandmother, Cathrine. And my name... My name is Nova Bloom Smith. I hate my name is Bloom. Why bloom? It does not fit into Nova and Smith. But my mum always loved blooms, and she still does. Whenever I am going to become a mum, I will name my daughter Poppy. Just to hold the generation of the flowers. Or I could call her Lilly? Poppy or Lilly. And my son, Chase. I always loved the name Chase. While I am thinking I hear a gunshot. No! No! Nonononononono Icannotbreathewhatishappening. I go out to look when I heard our front door slam. There he is. My dad. Laying on the floor. With blood everywhere. His body is just... there. But he is not there. It is not him. He is gone. He is dead. Nonono! Can not be fucking true. I run after the home phone. I call an ambulance. I now have an intense panic attack. His body is covered in blood. I can barely breathe; I can barely speak. I am dying.

I am dying. I am dying. I can already feel the death. Death is coming after me. My life is ending.

The memories came back. I am dying. I can't breathe. I am dying. I can feel Asher hugging me.

''Nova, what happened?'' I now notice I am shaking, and I am sobbing. ''I am dying.'' he hugs me tight. ''You are not dying, Nova. What happened? Did you have another flashback?'' He asks. I can hear he is very worried about me and hugs me even tighter. ''Y-Y-Yes'' I start shaking. He is hugging me so tight, and I am panicking, and I can't breathe. ''As-Ash-Ashe-A-'' I can't get a word out. I am stuttering. ''Do you mean, Asher?'' I nod. ''What's wrong?'' He asks. ''I- I- I- Ca- Ca- Can-'' I keep stuttering. ''N-n-not b-b-breathe.'' I finally got the word out. ''Shit.'' Shit. He is worried Do we need to call an ambulance?'' He asks, and he is really worried about me. I nod. And he does. I can't breathe. I am too young to die.