Above the skies in the Middle East, an airplane flew overhead. On the ground, a local man looked up at the sky and took in the beautiful Los Pollos Hermanos logo on the side... and then the Taliban enforcer that pulled him over shot him for refusing to cooperate.
Inside the plane, Mike got up from the pilot seat and took out a laptop before putting it in front of Walter and Jesse.
"Aight guys, the boss wants to say a few words." Mike said.
"Ah, Walter, Jesse. Good to see you both haven't been blown out of the sky yet." Gus began
"THAENKS BETCH." Jesse said.
"Gus, don't you think it's time to tell us why you're sending us to personally sell the product in Iraq?" Walt asked.
"Ah, yes. Of course Walter." Gus said, "As you both know, since I now legally own you-"
"WAIT WHAT?" Jesse was shocked, "We're not slaves!"
"Since I now legally own YOU'RE PREVIOUS WORK STATIONS AS YOUR BOSS," Gus continued,
"Oh thank God." Jesse said.
"When did any of this become legal?" Walt asked.
"SINCE I NOW OWN YOUR PREVIOUS WORKSTATIONS, including your last hot spot, the 1986 Fleetwood Bounder you converted into a rolling meth lab, I am now burdened with maintaining the vehicle. I have enough on my hands as it is." Gus said
"Don't talk about the Krystal Ship like it's a burden, betch!" Jesse said.
"Will you shut up and let him talk!" Mike yelled.
"Sorry." Jesse responded.
"AS I WAS SAYING." Gus said, "The meth lab has added more charges on my credit card than ever before, especially after our most high-valued illuminati insider Joe Biden took office and exponentially increased gas prices in America, most likely after buying and consuming our product."
"You think my meth would have done a number on Mr President's mind?" Walt asked.
"I was talking about our chicken... But yes, the meth is also a possible culprit." Gus said, "I digress, Taking the rolling meth lab out as per routine to maintain its proper state is becoming far too expensive. These gas prices threaten to reestablish my credit card debt from driving to the children's hospital alone, and with the RV, it's only going to get worse.
"WE'RE BILLIONAIRES BETCH." Jesse said
"Gus, How could these gas prices ever touch us?" Walt asked.
"No, you two are billionaires. Mike is a millionaire because his old senile self keeps forgetting to cap his granddaughter's trust fund entry, and I have only thousands because I keep having to pay Mexican assassins off of your dumbass. Plus, these sweet and sour laundry Latinas aren't free, mm-mm." Gus said with a sly grin, "I cannot afford to lose my empire over these gas prices Walter So, the time has come for change. I am tasking you three to begin the expansion of our territory to the Middle East, starting with Baghdad where everyone in the military craves speed and cocaine, and the government sponsors trafficking operations. There you go, half of your job has already been done. So either you will establish a successful meth operation in this post-apocalyptic hellscape, or you will all die and I get to collect your wills."
"WHAT?" Walt said
"It's all in the Los Pollos Hermanos employee terms and conditions. If you have a complaint, I suggest you submit it through our email system. I'd be happy to refer you to our Qur'an study group," Gus said.
"You want us to risk our necks in war-torn Iraq? Seriously BETCH?" Jesse said.
"Come on, Gus. There's gotta be another way to survive in Joe Biden's America." Walt said, "How about we-"
"Shut up Waltuh." Mike said, "Just go along with it."
"Hm... there is another way Gus said." We can have the plane turn around, and have you join our operation in Los Angeles instead... with Gale." Mike grabbed Walt's hand
"Please... just go along with it." Mike whispered to Walt, with fear in his eyes.
Walt looked at Jesse.
"We're all gonna die," Jesse said.
An hour later, as the plane was flying over the Syrian-Iraqi border when Gus called in on the laptop again and said, "You have arrived at your destination, please leave your tip at the pilot's seat."
"BETCH you're our boss," Jesse said.
"Selfish," Gus said.
"Mike! Get back up there! Shouldn't you be watching out for skyscrapers?!" Walt exclaimed.
"Waltuh, it's Iraq. Not Afghanistan," Mike said.
"Oh yeah..." Walt said.
"Also we're the Americans," Mike said.
"Oh... yeah," Walt's dementia-having ass said.
"Racist B*tch," Jesse said.
"Where we landing boss?" Mike said.
"Uh, landing?" Gus said as turbulence began to intensify.
"Gus, we're running low on Gas here, where's the landing sight!" Mike said.
"Yes, just as intended," Gus said. Alarms started blaring on the dashboard.
"Gus, what're you doing?!" Walt yelled, starting to panic.
"What do you think? Saving money on gas refills, airport parking, and motor vehicle tax all at once. What a steal! " Gus said. The plane started diving down.
"YOU'D REALLY RATHER CRASH A PERFECTLY GOOD PLANE?!" Jesse screamed, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!!"
"Please, it's only a rental," Gus said.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Walt shouted, "MIKE!!" He looked over to see that Mike had fallen asleep.
"Please, remain calm-"
"MIIIIIKE!!!" Walt interrupted Gus.
"There are parachutes below your seats, courtesy of the Los Pollos Hermanos child slave labor-produced merchandise branch. Jesse, your parachute is the one with the "Super Mega COMBO" print on it. Walter, yours has the #F***Cancer on it. Also, don't forget the lunchboxes that Victor lovingly prepared for you."
"HOLD ME MR WHITE!" Jesse cried.
"Please make haste, before the IRS comes to take my dummy thicc Latinas. Good luck my friends... and Jesse." He said before cutting out.
"BEEEEEEEEEEETCH!!" Jesse howled as he threw himself out the plane.
"YOU FORGOT YOUR PARACHUTE YOU DUMBASS!!!!!" Walt shouted, "Mike-" As Walt turned around, Mike's sleeping body rolled into him, pushing them both out of the falling plane.
"MIKE!" Walt shouted, holding onto Mike while trying to strap on his parachute, "MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!!!" Walt shouted, right into Mike's ear.
"Waltuh..." Mike mumbled between his snores. At that moment, Jesse collided with them both, clutching Walt's waist with an iron grip.
"WE FINNA LIVE," he said, and reached for the ripcord handle, "BETCH!!" He wanked it as hard as he could (sorry that was a typo that I'm too lazy to fix)
He yanked it as hard as he could, and they came to a steady descent. Walt held Mike as tight as he could, while Jesse kept himself wrapped around Walt's waist. They peered down at the massive desert below them, to which the plane was still plummeting down to. Up here, only the sounds of the wind and Mike's deafening snores could be heard.
"Waltuh... put ya dick away Waltuh..." Mike groaned in his sleep, "... I'm not having segs with you right now Waltuh," He said, smacking his lips.
"Yo Mr White, what's with this bulge in your pants, did you bring a gun?" Jesse asked.
YOU ARE READING
Breaking Baghdad
HumorEver since 2020, Gus Fring has been struggling desperately to make enough profits from his business outlets in order to survive in Joe Biden's America, now he is forced to steer his drug empire in a new direction. To save his lovely Mexicanos, Gus h...
