I hate that I love you

Chapter 1

As I drive down the dark and lonely road all the memories flash. I remember that night, I never said I didn't remember, I just preferred that others didn't feel sorry for me. I wasn't drunk, not even close, but I wasn't at my best either. I remember fighting with my girlfriend for stupid reasons. We were fine, everyone was talking about us, we were planning to study abroad together, but god had other plans for both of us. I was driving. She was sitting next to me. We weren't talking. The radio was turned off leaving us both in a nervous silence. I was crazy. She was dancing with someone else. It's not that I was jealous, or that I didn't trust her, but I didn't trust the seventeen-year-old football captain. He was touching her. When my eye fell on them, I rushed, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out of the hall. It was the night of the prom and we were planning to go together, but I felt sick at the last minute and she decided to come alone. It was my mistake. I should have died that night, not her. Everyone blamed the storm and not me. But I knew the truth, I killed her. She died in my arms, crying and feeling scared. She wasn't ready, it wasn't fair. She didn't deserve such a death.

I stopped the car on the side of the road. I couldn't go on. All the memories came back. I wasn't ready to face them, not at all. I called Alex, my best friend. He came and got me. He took me to my house and said good night.

It was 2.46 am. when I opened the door to my apartment. All so dark and scary, but I wasn't scared. These things did not scare me because I have seen a person die in my arms and all because of me. As I enter, the coldness of the room reaches me. I wasn't wearing a jacket or anything, maybe that's why. I sit on the couch and think and wonder how things would have been if I hadn't been so "jealous" that night. Would Sissy still be here? Probably not. I know it's my fault, but I'm smart enough to understand that the storm helped killing her. I would blame it on myself, but it still didn't matter.

I turn on the TV, watching the news channel. Two more dead because of this serial killer. Now that's something that didn't scare me. I wasn't afraid to die because I knew I would see her again, maybe in heaven if that was the right place for me. I turn off the TV, the clowns want to take everyone's money. I wasn't really a "TV person", I preferred to sit on my balcony, read some thriller books and imagine myself as one of the killers. I know I sound like a psycho, but trust me I'm not. At least I wasn't until the incident. I close my eyes, trying to sleep.

3.52 am

I wake up from a nightmare. It wasn't strange to me. I have been living alone since I left my home three years ago. I walked to the kitchen to get something to eat. I was starving. I open the fridge and all I see are some insects. God, I'm exhaling anxiously. I'll have to wake up sometime. This is not the life of a 20-year-old man. I should be more responsible. Something catches my attention. It's my phone, Someone must have posted something, I think. I walk over to grab it and check. Just the weather alert, sigh.

I open the door to my room, nothing scary here. I turn on the lights revealing the mess of my life all at once. I lay on my bed, trying to think of something positive. No, it's not working, I tell myself. I take my phone and start watching tik tok videos until I fall asleep.

It's 7.35 in the morning. A loud sound woke me up. They must be my new neighbors, I had heard they were moving in this week but hadn't paid much attention because I don't want to get involved in other people's lives. The sun's rays bathe my room with the hope that something new will enter my monotonous life. Before I get out of bed I check my phone. An unread message from my mother. We had a long time to talk, how did she remember me, I wonder. My mother and I didn't have the best relationship. When I was younger I had a crazy soft spot for her though, I think that changed the day of Sissy's funeral. She was the only one who blamed me for the innocent girl's death. Normally I would have to agree with her because I am a fair person and she was right to blame me, although I did not find the redemption I needed. After this event, our relations changed, I moved away and she made no move towards reconciliation. I get out of bed with the belief that something good will happen to me. I open the door to the living room. Maybe I should clean up a bit, this is no place to stay, I tell myself.

It's getting close to one in the afternoon. I had time to clean up, I open my cell phone. I see that my mother has sent me other messages. I choose not to open them. A cold wind makes the curtains of the apartment flutter casually. I can't forget her. I don't know if I will be able to forget her, nevertheless, I am a young man, I have to continue my life, but how will I continue it knowing that someone died while I should have been in their place.

A knock on the apartment door catches my attention. I haven't changed yet, I'm in my pajamas, I wasn't expecting any visitors. I approach the door slowly. Whoever it is I'm not sure if I feel like communicating. I look through the peephole of the door. It is a beautiful woman, around my age. Quite tall and thin. Brown skin and hair. She wears a white baggy blouse with the word "NOT" written on it. She has combined it with short denim shorts. I open the door out of courtesy. We look at each other for about ten seconds.

"Excuse me" she says, "I'm new to the apartment building and was wondering if you had some sugar." I freaked out. Is she the new neighbor? I wonder.

"Of course, come in!" polite me as always, I call her inside my 30-square-meter apartment.

"Your apartment is very nicely decorated!", I wonder if she means that. Good thing I cleaned it up earlier, I say to myself.

I go to the kitchen, open the top right cupboard, and luckily I find a closed package. I go back to the living room and give it to her. "There you go! Luckily I found it!" I tell her.

"Thank you very much!" she replies, "I don't know how I will repay you".

"Don't even think about it!" "whatever you want just knock on my door". She smiles at me and for some inexplicable reason I find myself smiling back.

After I shake her off, I close the door behind me and think about the last five minutes. I don't know what just happened. I liked it? I have no idea. I grab my phone and am about to text Alex to tell him about what just happened, but I recklessly open my mother's messages that I've been trying to avoid all day. She tells me she wants me to visit them for the holidays. I leave her message on read. I'm not ready to be at the scene of the accident yet.

I decide not to send to Alex, at least not yet, because I'm always talking about me when i'm with him. I go to the room to get dressed and go for a walk. I wear a baggy blue blouse that goes with my blue eyes. Underneath, a pair of light jeans and my sneakers. Some people might call me handsome but I would say I just have nice features. Blue eyes, blond hair and a dark shade of beige for skin. I get to the front door, grab what I need, lock my apartment, and I'm ready to enjoy a long walk with only myself and my thoughts.