Caught in the Middle

Chapter 41

"I went to see Dr. Hilliam too. I just needed to work through those last few days in my head with every bit of information given, bella. Not just my side of things. In the end, it wasn't as painful as it was sad." She bites her lip as she picks up her milkshake for a sip. I can't stop my fingers from fidgeting with my wedding ring, fighting to not keep berating myself like I've been doing since our videocall this afternoon. I needed a session with Diane soon, but she was at a seminar today. So, I cornered Beckett for one of our confidential chats, just to ease my mind and keep the clouds back.

"Maya. Our past might not have been perfect. But it is ours and we cannot run from it. Just because there will always be tiny moments of pain, doesn't mean we should let it control the magnitude of happiness we have now. At the end of the day, our memories will be all we have left to look back on one day and I can promise you, that those ones won't change anything for me. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I know I will love you more tomorrow." She reaches for my hand, slipping her fingers through mine in a loose embrace between us.

I smile through the tears that have pooled in my eyes. "God, I think you just said the magic words. That was...perfect." We both lean forward for a quick, yet powerful kiss. I turn my head to look at the puddles of water, rippling from the rain still dripping down on the asphalt. "There is one more thing I needed to talk to you about, bambina." I look back at her, asking her to pass her milkshake so I can wet my increasingly dry mouth after that explosive kiss. I can't risk tasting her when she wants to have honest and open discussions, because I will not be able to concentrate at all.

Why is talking to her so hard? I know with my whole heart that the possibility of Carina leaving me twice, is highly unlikely. But serious talks like these, feels like sailing on treacherous waters. One wrong move, and I risk falling overboard, back into my darkness, fighting to not drown in my mistakes. "I wanted to bring it up after the LIC exam... I should have-" I crawl forward for fresh air, which makes her stop talking. What else do I have to change about myself to not have her first instinct be that I'm running away from her when she brings up the hard stuff.

I can hear it in her exasperated sigh, in the way her eyes darken, that she's waiting for me to walk into the rain. It appears we both still have a lot to work through in regard to our past. I sit down and swing my legs over the back again, curling my fingers around the top of her bumper, making sure she sees I'm here to stay as well. "You were worried about how I'd react now that getting my job back is no longer a reality?" I don't have to look at her to register the surprise on her face. She clears her throat and raise her brow when I turn my head to look at her.

"Uhm, sì. Alquanto. (A little.) You're not really reacting like we would expect, and none of us know what to do with your detachment." I turn fully towards her to stare at her in betrayal, still immediately reacting to her discussing my failures with other people. "And who exactly have you been talking about this with, before coming to me?" She shakes her head and sighs sadly, which instantly makes me shut up. Fuck. Three sentences in and I'm already making it about myself. So much for self-growth.

I rub my fingers over my eyes, dropping my head in shame. "Maya. We're all just worried about you. Even when we were at our best before, you're first priority was still to get promoted again." She slides closer to me, touching my arm, albeit guardedly. I place my hand over hers, giving it a squeeze to convey that it's safe to reach out to me. God, I hate making her doubt me. Every time she puts her guard up or starts walking on eggshells around me, that little voice in the back of my head whispers how she's afraid that I'll hit her someday.

I try to reflect as much love into my eyes before looking into hers, so she'll believe every word. "You are my priority, Carina." A small, sad smile lifts the corners of her lips as she curls her fingers fully around my arm. So much for trusting me again. She still doubts my love and loyalty towards her, no matter how hard I've tried to prove to her that I've changed. "I know, my love. But it doesn't feel like you're putting me first in a healthy manner. It's like you're saying all the right things and doing all the right things, but how much are you giving up to be what you think I need?"