Gondia Vlog

Part 1

DAY ONE

(A male Jaran, a humanoid with light skin, blue eyes, and auburn hair, looks up at the camera. He's wearing a T-Shirt with Jaran-Nuna language text (resembling IRL Phoenician) reading "Dude, you must chill")

Hey there erryone, it's Jondor. I actually forgot I still had this account, heh...

Imma just get to the point. Ya see this? (points to small puncture wound on the underside of his chin) Have I got a story for y'all...

First, I live on Andor, it's actually close to both Terra-Cult AND Vampire Space, so... When the Nuna station disappears I'll be shitting my pants. But we're important enough that we got a Trans-Pad and so we get visitors and diplomats and other third things from other worlds. And not just fellow subjects. We may not be on Jaris, but we still keep our ways as best we can and our cousins envy that. But now I'm rambling again, dammit. All that matters is we got Parahumans for days!

So I was on my way to see a show down at South Temple. I take the bus because I'm not "important" (finger quotes) enough to get a driver's license. And sitting next to me is a Gondia: Those green plant girls. She's not Terra, she's Neo. She was actually also on her way to see it, too. She's there to represent Iris-III at the cultural expo after. She was nice. Her name's Andie.

Well, some idiot who qualified for a license decided to turn into the bus lane without paying any attention and got his dumb ass rear-ended. Apparently their car was made of freaking Protolythium or something 'cause it stopped the bus on the spot! (slaps desk) Erryone in that bus gets thrown about and before I know it, I'm on the floor with the Gondia on top of me... I know what you're thinking, and I don't like it. It's also hard to find it sexy when you've just been bonked on the back of your head and you've got someone's fingers up your nose.

When she tries to get up, apologizing more than "I" do, her arm seemed stuck and as I first saw a green rope connected to her wrist and felt a tug at my chin, her face went even whiter than it's supposed to be. Now I don't know if any of y'all ever heard a Gondia scream in abject terror, but it's LOUD. After mourning for my eardrums, I start to get up my own damn self when i feel something push through my chin as what I now realize is "her vine" (holds hands out for emphasis) detach from me. Now, I know what those vines are for, I live barely a hundred light-years from Aiden, I watch the news, that something was a spore. She had just assimilated by Jaran ass...!

She was bawling in apology all the way to the hospital. Even the medics were starting to get annoyed. I was just sitting there petrified like a small animal in headlights before I was brought back to reality by of all people, are you sitting down for this? MY BOYFRIEND who I forgot was on duty that day!

(sing-song falsetto) Awkward...!

Now I'm trying to explain what the hell just happened to Francis while the Gondia's STILL APOLOGIZING like there's no tomorrow. And he just takes it in like I'm just another patient. I know you gotta be professional and shit; but dude, uncool.

He runs a buncha tests and science confirms the obvious: I got assimilated and Imma turn into a Gondia. There's no cure. Andie swears up and down it was an accident and that she didn't even know accidental assimilation was even possible. Francis drops his trivia cred with the fact that there's only been six documented cases of accidental assimilation in the last hundred-thousand years. Well, now I make seven. Lucky me!

So that's how it is: In about two weeks I will have transformed into a green-haired plant-girl... And I've decided to share my journey with you all! Because Sage knows I ain't gonna suffer this alone.

(pulls up pamphlets) So this thing says I'm not really gonna see any real changes for a few days and I'll put more of these up whenever I feel like it.

(awkward pause!)

Come back next time to watch me read through this thing with exasperated madness! Bye!