My dad said he'd come pick me up later and I should just go enjoy myself.
It was autumn, the winds were strong but I didn't mind that much. My home hadn't felt like a real home for some time, ever since mom left. She said she's just going on vacation, but it had been a while, maybe a year now. I was sad and cried a lot at first but my dad didn't like it when I cried. I saw him cry a few times, I am sure he missed mom too.
After she left, I grew the habit of waiting by the mailbox, in case she sent a postcard. When I got home from school, I would sit there until dad came home from work. He'd always frown when he saw me waiting there, but he never said anything. Sometimes he'd grab my arm and pull me into the house, other times he'd just leave me by the doorstep.
We were still somewhat normal at first and I got to eat everything I wanted whenever I wanted. After a while, it wasn't as fun anymore. There would be days when I went to bed hungry. But dad didn't like it when I told him I was hungry. Eventually, he stopped buying groceries. That was okay though. I got pocket money for the first time to buy my own food. He was taking care of me in his own way.
Days went by just like that and I rarely saw dad after a while, he must have been busy working. After all, taking care of a child by himself and the household must have been hard. I stopped waiting by the mailbox, no postcard would come anyway.
I'd buy food and sit at the dinner table by myself. Sometimes, I would wait for dad to come home and fall asleep at the table. Other times, I would just eat my share and leave him a note.
I got sick after some time, so I would take breaks from school. At first I'd only stop coming for a few days but then days turned into weeks and then months. The school called home a few times, but I was always home alone, I'd pick up and answer with a low voice. They never noticed, dad didn't notice either.
Then, summer break came. It was the first time in a while dad had stayed home. He looked different, but I was afraid he'd get mad if I talked to him. I just stood there and watched him. I missed him.
He was cleaning up around the house. I never noticed how dirty the floors were and I almost forgot what fresh air was like. It almost felt like when mom was home. Over the summer break, he'd leave me alone for most of the week and come back for a day or two. I felt even more lonely knowing he could come back home anytime he wanted to.
He'd cook some food for me and clean up the house, then he'd go to his room and stare at his wedding picture on the wall.
I'd always be watching him. When he wasn't there, I spent my whole day sleeping, I'd get up to eat and drink or use the bathroom and slip into bed again. Whenever he came home, I'd watch him from afar. He was my dad, undoubtedly, he is my dad, but why did he feel more like a stranger? I never knew the answer to the question that I'd keep asking myself.
When summer was over and school started again, he stopped coming home for days on end. He always left enough money for however long he was gone. I didn't like coming home to an empty house. I hated the feeling that overcame me whenever I went through the front door again, so I just stayed at home and waited for dad. Because I had been so sick before and changed a lot, nobody at school actually remembered who I was and they didn't miss me at all when I stopped going. I'd leave the house sometimes to buy some food but after some time, simply getting up was exhausting.
A month had passed, and autumn came. Dad came home again, I was so happy I couldn't stop crying. He saw me and for the first time after so long he was hugging me. He comforted me and told me to get ready. I didn't know what he was talking about but that didn't matter. I was taking a shower for the first time in months. And I wore clothes dad had bought me, they were a little loose but I still loved them.
We drove somewhere for a long time, when we arrived I could see a ferris wheel, it was a theme park. He said it was a birthday gift but my birthday had long passed, maybe he wanted to make up for it. We went on a few rides together, and then he got a call. He told me he had to leave for a bit and he'd come pick me up so I should just enjoy myself. I reluctantly let go of his hand. But he said he'd come pick me up, he'd come back.
I didn't feel like going on any rides anymore, and I was afraid he'd have a hard time finding me again, so I just sat there on the bench. About an hour passed, and some guards came by, I was afraid they would take me somewhere, and I ran away. I hid behind a few trashcans. My eyes got heavy after running so much, I must have fallen asleep. When I opened my eyes again everything was dark and all the people were gone. At least the moon was there, I went back to the bench and waited for my dad.
It was late at night, so it was cold, and the loose clothes couldn't keep the blowing winds out. I was hungry too. I didn't notice I hadn't eaten anything, I was so happy to see my dad again. I don't even remember when the last time I ate was. I was very tired so I laid down on the bench. It was so cold, so freezing cold. But dad said he'd come pick me up, I had to wait. He said he would come, unlike my mother, who just left. Dad always came back after he left, so he will come back this time too. I kept repeating these words to myself. At some point, I couldn't even feel the cold. Everything was numb. It hurt but once dad comes, everything will be warm again, I won't be in pain. Just like when I was sick, he'd come and take care of me.
But did he ever come home when I was sick? I don't know. Did he even know I was sick? Did he know how much I missed him? How lonely I was? How much I am hurting? I don't know, I don't know. He doesn't know. He never knew.
But I now know, No, I had always known, I knew from the start. He is not coming back.
Mom and dad left me.
I'm alone. Always. It's not cold, it's not warm. It doesn't hurt anymore, I just feel empty. I can see my breaths in the cold air and I can feel my heartbeat. I could see my breaths, and I could feel my heartbeat, slowly, very slow.
I don't feel anything.
