How did we get here?

Friends

Maybe it's possible that I lied when I called these chapters "shorter chapters." Sorry if those were longer than you were anticipating, but don't worry. I'm gonna try to keep the rest of these shorter because I only have so much energy and time anyway. I do care about my friends, after all. Yep, that was a segue you just witnessed. This could honestly be regarded more as a "friends/social life" section, but I digress. I don't have any particularly controversial opinions on friendship that I'm just dying to mention, but I do have a bit of a weird perspective largely shaped by some negative experiences with friends.

Given that I've already talked about Jeremy and Alex, I think I need to switch things up a bit, so let's keep the positive vibes from last chapter. My current #1 is probably Fitatfi whose real name is a bit more private. I actually met him right before that down period in 8th grade. It was late 8th grade when I met him through Discord. It's weird because we don't actually have a lot in common when you think about it, but we've always stuck with each other. He's a sports nerd that wants to get girls, and I'm a computer nerd who just wants to be friends with people. I think our mutual understandings of a friendship can largely be credited for getting us this far because at this point, nothing can really break us apart. We respect each other above others and share our lives with each other as 2 teenage boys, but also don't mind what the other is doing even if we personally disagree with it. We do have some shared interests, but we just appreciate the other's company, really. It's special because we both care about the other, and I almost feel bad for not mentioning Fita before this point. I just didn't want to break the negative vibe, man!

Unfortunately, I think Fitatfi is an exception for friendships. I have a hard time building new friendships with people because of how I think of the risk as a whole. My main fear stems from the idea of one-way friendships where one person likes the other, but that feeling is not reciprocated. I have been on both ends of that type of friendship, and I've started to fear them quite a bit. "What if I generally like this person more than they like me?" is a constant thought in my mind. I never want them to NOTICE that. Any idea of being a priority in someone else's relationships is pretty foreign to me due to my negative experiences. It sounds like I'm describing social anxiety, but trust me, it's probably not the same thing. I don't overthink things or show fear of talking to people. I just get stuck in my ways.

"Coolness factor" is a big thing for me too. The more friends that someone else has, the less I assume that they'd actually like being around me. Why would they ever want to hang out with me over their friends that they've known for longer? It's almost like I feel like I have to climb some social hierarchy to be worthy of people's attention. Yes, I know that this mindset is pessimistic and illogical, but I've been stuck with it for so long that breaking out has been tricky. Comparing myself to others is a pretty big part of being a competitive perfectionist, and that has bled into my social life over time. Sometimes, I wish that it was simpler. I wish that I would just talk to people and take these very low risks. Such is my fate, but I am destined to change it. Shoutout to you if you've made it this far in, as you're likely a true friend of mine.

There's also the difference between online friends and real-life friends. Personally, I think I see the distinction as less than the average person, but I get both sides. How does social media even work in friendships, really? That's another segue, by the way. You could also get into e-dating and stuff, but that's honestly not my realm. Relationships in general aren't my realm... so I'll just say that I think a goal of online friendships carried by social media should be to meet in real life one day. Having the human face is just different, man. It excels relationships. I hope that all my online friends know well and clear that as much as they mean to me through text, I hope to one day break the barrier of the phone screen to make a true friendship the way that it was meant to be. Maybe then, I will be able to lose my insecurities of being friends.