365 Written Days

Aur mere pas, tu hai ke nhi?

Dear love, 

Do you ever feel aggression? I don’t mean the one that comes to you over spilled coffee or a stubbed toe, no. The aggression that’s etched deep in your bone, one that shimmers in your veins 24/7 no matter what you do.

 An aggression that’s not ethical. 

I wonder if it’s normal to feel it, I wonder if it’s normal to pretend you don’t feel it. I’ve always been told, that feeling too much isn’t good. Too much anger, too much sorrow, too much bitterness, too much happiness. I wonder if people actually know how to control how much they can feel, is there a scale? I wonder why I’m failing so drastically at this simple task, I wonder why I’m failing at simply being…..human. 

……………..

Dear love, 

Do you know the difference between being someone’s need and being something they want? There’s a jarring difference, not something people want to acknowledge often, and not something you’d assume at first. 

Without a second thought, everyone prefers being a necessity, not a want. I get it, I truly get it but I don’t necessarily agree. Necessity is just that, a necessity, something you need that can’t be avoided, after a point it becomes exhausting, you get frustrated with needing it and you replace it. 

Desire, that works difference, being something someone wants includes passion, an intensity a thrill. I wouldn’t know, to be honest, I wonder if it feels different to be desired and not sought for. 

I wonder what it feels like to be wanted. 

 Did you seek me just for the company? If it wasn’t for the contract, would you have wanted me? 

I want to know.

……………..

“Are you sure about this?”  Being the elder brother, Raashvik has always been worried about her, always loved her unconditionally in a true sense, as a brother, as a family, and as a person.  “Yes,” she replies in a raspy voice, in a pitch deeper than her usual lively tone when she talks to him. 

Yes, she took the step, the one that she ought to be inescapable, but it doesn’t necessarily feel nice. Not at all. She has always struggled with differentiating between what she’s actually feeling and what she thinks she’s feeling but this time it’s clear as glass, she has a deep ache in her heart that only one person can fix. 

The person she decided to leave behind, for now. 

She’s not sure though, is it a temporary separation, or is it a permanent thing? Will he look at her? Maybe reach out? Or is she going to live with the disappointment that she wasn’t important enough to be looked for?

It’s a weird feeling, isn’t it? Some people escape because they don’t like the situation they are in, others run away because they want something better than what they already have. 

If you ask her, she left even though she liked her little life, she left even after having what she wanted. She left, knowing she hated herself and this decision would cement her hatred. 

“This is the right thing to do bhai.” 

Raashvik knows it and has been aware of it since the relationship started but he also is aware of the affection in her mind, the care she harbors for her husband, her first love. And it all feels so freaking unfair, because she deserves to be loved, to be taken care of, even if people don’t see her as a petite, fragile person, she deserves to be treated as one.