Linked Paths

Arc I - Closer to You [Chapter 1: If I were You, or am I?]

Fortunately for me, I’m too exhausted to go through this outburst for very long and regain my composure, or what is left of it after, relatively quickly. I’m tired, so damn tired. I want to go to bed right away, but it’s not my body and we agreed to take good care of each other. So, I drag myself to the sink and brush ‘our’ teeth. I don’t even know what to think concerning the parts I am using or handling! Like ‘my’, ‘your’ or ‘our’? Just crazy…I go with the least evil first. A Shower comes after. Oh man...Only have 1% battery left.

After I’m through with the first measure, I stand in front of the shower cubicle for a moment, undecided and with my face contorted in pain. I’m so afraid of this. Maybe I’ll find it easier if I imagine myself washing a patient as a nurse? Difficult...

I must admit, a small part of me is a little curious to see him too. I shake my head simultaneously with this reprehensible thought. No, no, no! I can’t think like that, it wouldn’t be right. It’s not right to think like that. On the other hand, it’s only natural that such a thought should occur to me, isn’t it? I mean, I’m a virgin, a homosexual at that, I’m a 17, almost 18, year old teenager who is absolutely green behind the ears as far as sex is concerned. And here I am, in the body -an admittedly perfect one- of another guy, about to wash it. How am I supposed to get this clear in my head in any way?! And what is actually even worse? At this moment Kacchan is probably going through the same thing in my body. But I must push that away, otherwise I’ll lose it completely here. Not think, do!

Repeating the last like a mantra over and over again, I take off the clothes. I get goose bumps. When I have stripped off everything, I go into the shower cubicle. Having my own little bathroom is something I appreciate even more now. I would have preferred not to look, really not! But how can I take a shower without? I have to either way. As I stand in the shower, I risk the glance down. Right now I’m the owner of this body, but it’s still Kacchan. Someone I’ve known for ages. Someone with whom I’m far from close. Kind of contradictory statements, but equally true.

I can’t describe how I feel when I see him. There are too many feelings at once and none of them I can really grasp. Mainly it’s uncomfortable and I feel like I’m somehow sullying or betraying Kacchan’s identity. Even if very low in presence, somewhere down in the cocktail of emotions, the curious teenager inside me is also crawling around, which freaks me out even more. I decide to at least turn on the shower and set a pleasant temperature. Unfortunately, it only helps a little against the thought beasts. Maybe it’s enough today, without soap? On the other hand, the probability of being back to normal tomorrow is low. Tomorrow evening at the latest, I’ll be standing here again...And I know how seriously Kacchan takes the subject of hygiene. He’s very fond of himself and all. As I take my shower gel, the tiredness takes a back seat. My heart is beating like crazy.

Okay, I can do this. It’s a test that I must pass. Exactly! What kind of hero am I if I can’t even do that, hm!? And it is only washing someone, isn’t it?

I try to encourage myself and start rubbing shower gel on the arms. Soaping up is way more difficult to execute under these circumstances for obvious reasons. Nevertheless, I rub all places, except for very specific areas and do quite well, I think. Most certainly, Kacchan is not howling like me, long finished and already drifting to sleep. What can I do, I’m just different from him and have a hard time. Especially with this last step. I don’t think I can. Not yet. I can’t just touch those places. Whereby…he has done it for sure. Sounds stupid, but I would have every right to do it too. In the same boat…

I press my eyelids together almost desperately. Better not today. Yes, the water from above will have to do! I quickly shower off the foam, in no consequences touching these parts, and sprint out of the bathroom in a hurry. I dry the body and again, leave certain places out. It can also dry in the air or something like that!