Astania Reviews

Kae | The Temple Unleashed

Charlie: I feel very similarly about Charlie. I relate to Kat on a character level more, and I wonder if some of this is related to not clearly knowing a whole lot about him. I think maybe including more of his thoughts (internally) may be helpful. There are a lot more characters around him than Kat, and so his chapters sometimes feel like they're harder to follow because of it. For that reason, I think you need to define him as clearly as you can, by focusing on the things that make him unique. Like, animals waking him up is good stuff, though the scene doesn't linger long enough. The reader doesn't really get to live that experience with him, to hear the sounds and see him pull himself out of bed with the help of animals tugging at the sheets and things of that nature. Because the scene needed to sit longer, the reader moves too quickly to really appreciate it, and I would have liked to see that in more focus.

World

I feel like the prologue is the best example of how you do world-building. So far, I liked the balance of the real world and the fantasy. There's a solid magical sense to it, like Charlie and his animals waking him up, that feels placed well, in order to make the setting feel more fantastical than our real world (though it is set here, the smaller details like that stretch the imagination and make it easier to accept). Like with the plot, you do a good job of weaving detail when necessary, and I think as the chapters continue, it would be cool to learn what that connection is to the temple and what it all means. The weaving of the details like this means I didn't really get to see too much of this, but I think that's okay. I don't think you need to give everything away this early. Keeping a reader's interest by hinting that something bigger is coming is nice for this stage of the story, where there are only a few chapters.

General Thoughts I Had While Reading

Prologue:

Your prologue is great! It catches my attention, and I don't feel like it overexplains anything too much. The tone here is mysterious, and it works well!

Chapter One:

At the start, readers are with the main character being lectured and bored. While I think this could work, I'm curious why the story begins here. If the main character is so bored she doesn't care to listen (as with the blah, blah, blah) why should a reader? I'm not sure the opening is super effective at communicating immediately what my interest here should be, and the first line doesn't really show much that seems to hook me in. If she isn't listening, how can she hear the words the teacher is saying? Is she listening, or is she tuned out?

This chapter is quite different from the prologue in tone. I'm not entirely sure where your hook is here. The main character starts out bored, and the pop quiz seems to slow us down before we get to your hook—the fact that the mother is gone. I wonder if/when the pop quiz will be relevant, as the narrative seems to present it as important (or at least that it's there for a reason). You want to hook a reader as quickly as you can, and by the time I get to the mother's note, we've seen two classes, Kat talking to her friend, and the part about her house, all scenes that seem to lead to the ending where the mother is gone. It isn't like the note says anything very mysterious: she's just gone for a week and due to return. It's odd that she leaves suddenly, sure, but it doesn't really make me wonder if she isn't coming back or anything, so I feel like this could be stronger... but I will keep reading to see if my thoughts on this evolve any.

There are places where Kat is referred to in narration as Kat/Katherine interchangeably. It makes sense in dialogue, given that some characters will call her by the shorter, more affectionate form, vs. a teacher for example, who'd likely use the full name... but in narration, it reads a bit odd. If this is a more limited POV, it would make sense if she were called Kat consistently in narration.