Starfall

Chapter 10 - Ben

With the push of the wind, my thoughts drift. Kamal disappears from my side, leaving me to gaze absent-mindedly at the stars that hang high in the sky. It's been a while since Completely Fake Ben has sat in my place—now it's as though some of my layers have shed. Some of my walls have sunken to a lower, more vulnerable place. But that means that the boulders laid in my head have shifted, too. Which results in a sharp pain behind my ribs, where a rattle of anguish turns in place, wishing to be set free. In the darkness of the sky ahead, a chasm opens into my chest, reopening unhealed wounds. Echoes of my sins scrape up the walls of my head. Whispers of hatred slip behind my ears. My mother's soul reaches out to me with claws meant to cut, talons meant to kill. Everything that lies in the path I've left behind comes crawling back to me, tearing out of that rift in my chest, all at once. It's a terrible thing, all these sounds. All these voices and words and cries of the pain I've caused.

Out of that same chasm, Rose rises, and she says to me, Do not disappoint me, Ben. Do not let her get in your way.

And her voice keeps going, keeps sliding through the cracks in my head, keeps infiltrating my own thoughts and turning them into hers. There's nothing more for me to do but sit here and listen.

I don't realize how tightly my fingers grip the helm until Kamal reappears beside me. I look up, trying not to pay any more attention to the chasm inside me. Words are spoken to me, and they're there in the air in front of me, waiting to be heard. But there's no sound.

It's only once I've managed to reinforce my walls to their former height—it's only once I'm back to Fake Ben—that I hear Kamal say, "I can take it from here."

I blink. Nod. Peel my fingers off the wheel and let him take my spot.

"Got a big day ahead of us," he says, eyeing me as he makes himself comfortable. "Get some sleep. You'll need it."

But I don't want to. I don't want to fall into a place where I have no control, a place that could be deadly and inescapable. I don't want to fall back into that chasm.

So rather than stepping into the lower deck and going to bed like I should, I say, "Elyse owes me a story. A half one, I mean."

He doesn't say anything, just smirks and looks ahead.

"I don't know anything about her. Or you, or Leola. I don't know anything about any of you, and I want to."

Kamal is quiet for a long moment. Then he nods slowly. "I can tell you a story."

"An actual one? One that's true?"

He simply nods again. "Want to know how the three of us met?"

"Definitely," I say with a smile as I lean into the glass and peer down at the passing planet.

"Elyse might not like me telling you this," he laughs. "But it doesn't matter. She'll live." Before he continues, he shifts in his seat and makes himself comfortable. "Elyse is the youngest of us. Not that it matters—just for context. So when I met her ten years ago, she was eleven and I was thirteen. I had just found my way into Culmes from the other side of the world, but she was desperately looking to get out. It didn't matter to me, because I needed a friend, so I took her on." He cuts himself off with a shake of his head and a laugh. "Actually, I followed her like a puppy. She was having none of me."

I smile, because I can see that unfolding in my head. But something tugs at the edges of my thoughts. With a frown, I say, "I didn't know she grew up in Culmes too." Now that I think of it, though, it makes sense. Elyse has something of a hardened shell. At least from what I can tell.

Kamal nods. "She was a lot meaner back then. She was like a soldier—tough because she had to be. And at the time I didn't understand. But looking back? She was running from something. Something in Culmes."