My agent called me, excited.
"Ocean, I found the one who's going to make the music for 'Sense'!"
'Sense' is an exhibition that we've been planning for months.
"OK, so who's this person?" I asked, curious.
"Sit down, girl, cause this is big!"
"I...
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_______________ May 13th, 2024
Today it was our work day, after that awkward day last week. I was afraid I'd feel uncomfortable, but I didn't. It actually helped seeing him among his friends and colleagues (and his girlfriend) that night. They're like a family; they're his family, and Lucile is part of it. I am not. It put things back in perspective for me: I barely know the guy and I am but an infinitesimal part of his world, of his life. We have a great connection while we work on our art, on our project, and when we chit-chat in the between. And that is it.
Plus, these past few days I was feeling a bit nostalgic, and I rewatched some old videos of John and I, that we (well, mostly him or some friend of his) filmed. You can clearly see the difference between the ones I took and theirs, being them pros. It made me giggle.
I took out some photographs, depicting various occasions, and I cried a bit shuffling through the ones that a friend of ours took when John proposed. He tricked me to the beach at sunset, where I found a whole set up with flowers, string lights, a blanket, and pillows by a little bonfire. It was so sweet and romantic. We were never much for these flaunting expressions of love, not the we didn't have sweet or romantic moments; we just always found these things corny. But he really wanted to do something special for this. And it was.
The car accident happened a few months later. We had just started to organize our wedding. He left for work that day and never came back, and it felt like my heart and soul did the same thing.
"September rain is like a bully throwing stones/ Picking meat off of the bone", Alex wrote. I couldn't have expressed it better.
I still wear the engagement ring. I can never take it off and I don't think I ever will. Even if one day I'll get engaged again -who knows- that ring is not going anywhere.
I'm glad that I surrendered to the need to reminisce those times. I had to take the focus off my crush. It made me remember how deep that love was, instead, how total it was. John was the love of my life. And it doesn't mean that I'll never want to find someone else; I want to, at some point, when it's right. But this little infatuation is not it. It's nothing. And it wouldn't go anywhere as he's not available. I feel silly now.
"How are you today?" Alex asked when he settled in the usual little lounge corner in my studio. It's funny how he picked his spot on that couch since day one, and never changed.
"Good, thank you. Better."
"Glad to hear. I hope that...the other day, it wasn't because of Lucile. Maybe her presence –a stranger's presence– disturbed you, I shouldn't have asked."
I waived my hand in the air, shaking my head. "Oh no, absolutely. She was lovely. I..." The problem that day wasn't her, my dear, it was YOU. "...I was just not having a very good day. I didn't mean to be rude. I apologize again."
