LOVE OR RIDE | LESTAPPEN

chapter twenty - trying not to love you

It wasn't until I saw Hamilton's face that I understood what I was feeling, and it scares me. It scares me that I've become infatuated with a person who has hurt me twice, who left me for someone else, who doesn't like me in that way, and who is my rival on the track. This shouldn't be happening. I should not feel what I feel, not not to him. I should not love him, because I am not allowed to. This love will never exist, and I will end up with a broken heart. I need to heal from this.

"Max." Daniel puts his hands on my face to make me look at him. "Breathe, calmly." he says slowly, and I realize I'm still holding my breath. "Loving him is not a bad thing. And Lewis is definitely alive, just beaten up. Later I'll call and ask his friend what's going on with him, okay?" he asks, to which I nod vigorously. "Great, now go to the bathroom, we need to see your wounds. If you want to stay the night..."

"Charles is at my place." I interrupt him, to which he smiles gently and nods. "But I can't be with him Daniel. Even if he ever reciprocates what I feel, he will leave. It's forbidden." I explain still frightened of myself.

"That's what we'll worry about later. But believe me that's not a bad thing. You can be together if we devise how to do it. Nothing is impossible, Max. If you are happy with him, I will stand on my head to help you be with each other. Just promise me that you won't lie to yourself and hide your feelings for him. Don't be afraid to love, because love is the most beautiful and important feeling there is."

"I promise." I say quietly, although I'm damn scared of what might happen.

I get up from the couch as Daniel rises and moves toward the bathroom. I walk slowly behind him, feeling terrible as the pain begins to return once the adrenaline and anger have passed. I sit on the edge of the tub, glancing at my reflection in the mirror. A cut lip, encouraging blood near my nose, a bruise on my cheekbone and a scratch on my neck. As I slowly remove my T-shirt, I see red skin on my ribs and abdomen, so there will probably be bruises there tomorrow.

"No tragedy." He comments, so I shift my gaze to him, looking as if I were an idiot. "Come on! I'd give my hand for some Romeo to stand up for me!" he waves his hands in the air, at which I parry amusedly, shaking my head in disbelief.

It takes a few minutes to disinfect my wounds. Daniel acts like a professional nurse, and when he finishes, he decides to give me a ride to my hotel.

We remain silent the whole way. I'm thinking about what I first said and admitted to myself, and Daniel is probably thinking about this whole situation. I really don't want to worry him with my behavior and problems, but I'm no longer coping with it all myself, and I'm increasingly thinking whether to tell him everything. I am stopped from doing so by his pre-race joy. I don't want to spoil it by putting problems that aren't his on him. Finally the boy stops in front of the door to the hotel.

"I'm here if you need anything, Max." He says quietly. I force myself to smile, glancing at him. "And whatever you decide about Charles, I'm on your side. Always. Remember that." He adds, also smiling.

"Thank you, you're the best." I unbuckle my belt and lean toward him for a hug.

The surprised boy embraces me at once, and as I pull away, I see him look away, wiping away his tears.

"Okay, we're done. Too many emotions for today." he says quickly.

"Good night, Daniel." I open the door in a mildly better mood.

"Good night, Max." He leans in, closing the passenger door when I go out and pulls away quickly.

I shake my head in disbelief and return quickly to the hotel room, where it is quiet, meaning Charles continues to sleep. I look at my reflection in the living room mirror and walk quietly into the bedroom. The boy is asleep with his back turned to me, so not wanting to wake him up I take off my shirt, socks and pants as quietly as I can and get under the quilt, clinging to his body. I hug him around the waist, I place a kiss on his neck and lay my head on the pillow. He say something under his breath and open his eyes lazily.

"Should I move away?" I ask quietly, praying that he doesn't turn toward me and see my face.

"No." He mumbles, closing his eyes again and going back to sleep. He looks so carefree now.

I lift the corners of my mouth up uncontrollably, looking at him. I should run away, hide my feelings behind a key and avoid him, but it won't do any good. I'm destroying myself and him with this. And even though I know it won't work out, I don't want to be far away. I want to be next to him, to see his smile, to help him when he needs help, to enjoy his happiness and comfort him when he is sad. It's sick, because I can't even tell when it happened. The two of us have spent time together almost every day for the past few weeks since our event with Monaco. I don't know if this is how friends spend their time, but we were really close and maybe it was a mistake. Hugging, ambiguous texts and sleeping with each other as we do now has made me feel something I shouldn't without wanting to. And although I hope he feels it too, I know otherwise, and I can't force him to love me, so I'll keep quiet, afraid that by telling him, he'll stop being my friend, and that's even worse than unrequited love.

That day I fall asleep peacefully, despite all the mess around me, and although I try to blame it on fatigue, I know it's due to the brunet next to me.