MEMORY KEPT IN A PHOTO
I grew up playing with toy cars, playing basketball, and any role that a man usually does. I forced myself to think I was tough, to stand on my own, and never show emotions that could tell anyone that I was weak. I am a man, I need to repress my emotions because I do not have the right to cry... to break down in front of anyone.
To feel vulnerability.
Ang problema, minsan naiisip ko na lang na nasa akin ang problema. Kasi mahina ako. At lalong mas naging mahirap sa akin ang mamulat sa mundo na hindi gaanong kinikilala ang kung ano ang gusto mong ipakita sa lahat. Sa kung ano ka, sa kung ano talaga ako.
My bottled-up emotions suddenly burst... making the bottle break into pieces and letting those emotions slowly be free. Those emotions that have been forced to be forgotten. To just fit into the norm.
I discovered that I am attracted to the same sex.
I started to dislike the thought of liking someone of the same sex since it's impossible to be noticed by them. I thought of it as a fairytale of I could love someone, and accept who I am.
Marami akong nagugustuhan. Sa jeep, sa plaza, sa school at sa kung saan pang lugar makakakita ka ng mga pogi ay hala ka naman talaga. Ang sarap nilang sambahin, luhuran at pakiusapan na sana ako nalang. Ipilit natin.
Kaso hindi pala gano'n kadali 'yon.
Gorgeous girls are cheated on even though they are adored by many. Come to think of that, how can I be appreciated if those girls are cheated on and dumped? Saan ako lulugar?
Today is our intramurals and everyone is so busy preparing for the sports they are in. I choose not to participate in this intrams since I have so much schoolwork to be done ahead of time. Kailangan kong tapusin ang mga dapat na gagawin para makapag-aral sa darating na major exam— ang nakakamatay na finals.
I chose a little hut on the quadrangle. Wala kasing tao, tirik na tirik na rin ang araw. Kaya siguro walang tumambay rito. Sobra naman kasing init kung dito ka tatambay. Pero I found peace when I am alone, so I chose this place.
I have friends. But I am a bit distant from them. Kasi naman, medyo iba na rin ang kanilang mga pananaw sa mundo. Like our perceptions towards the world just do not align with my principles. I have my own beliefs, that I find some of their points toxic.
I am a sensitive person, yet I am also understanding. I judge, but secretly... and I do not judge without basis.
I opened my book on a certain subject. Ang daming babasahin. I have an activity to be submitted this midnight, and the thing I have is to procrastinate. Nakakatamad naman talagi kasing mag-aral.
Kailangan ko ng inspiration sa college journey ko na 'to. When kaya?
Speaking of inspiration. I saw that guy from the College of Engineering. He was that kind of guy na medyo famous at active sa extracurricular activities.
He walked at the quadrangle proudly, he's tall and handsome. Medyo singkit din siya at fair skin. Well... he's bulky. Nakakadagdag ng sex appeal. Medyo trendy rin siya manamit, tito outfit fits him perfectly. Ang cool niya tingnan.
“Uy, Frank. Crush mo no?” Speaking of my friends na medyo dumidistansya ako. Narito na pala sila. It was Cheska who said that. Kasama niya ang iba pa naming kaibigan.
“Huh? I am just zoning out. Sino ba tinutukoy mo?” I answered defensively and forced not to look at his direction
Binalingan ko sila na may kakaiba na mga tingin.
“Hmm. Something's fishy. Kaya siguro gusto mong dumaan sa Engineering department ha. May specific person ka palang sinisilayan.” They teased and laughed, I just rolled my eyes and fixed my things. Aalis nalang ako at doon sa library mag-aaral kung narito naman pala sila.
Matapos ayusin ang mga gamit at nilagay sa bag ay nagpaalam na agad ako sa kanila. Mabuti na at di sila sumunod sa 'kin kasi pupunta raw sila sa accounting office para magbayad ng balance nila.
That guy from the engineering department. He used to catch my attention lagi. Kaya minsan, kapag dumadaan siya malapit sa 'kin hindi ko na rin siya binabalingan. Baka ma weirduhan siya sa 'kin. I feared that he might be freaked out if I am too obsessed with him. I do not want him to know about my feelings over him.
I would bring this to my grave.
