LET ME LIVE, LIKE BEING TRULY ALIVE
I grew up achieving things. Like I won almost of the competitions I participated. I received a lot of awards. I get what I want. With that, I firmly believe I could have what I want to have. But it was the younger me, not the self, that I am today anymore. It all vanished, like I became an unlucky person who can't achieve things and always been a failure.
“Loneda! What's the meaning of this huh?! A failing grade?!” My Dad shouted behind the closed doors after figuring out I failed one subject in my class. My tears cascaded down my face, as I held my chest with a heavy heart.
“Dad... I can explain.” I softly answered.
He continued to bang the door as if it would open any minutes from now. Fear consumed me, as I imagined things that will happen if the door would open.
Here... this is me. This is what I become after all of those praises and compliments when I was young. It was then changed into being scolded and blamed for becoming to a person I never hoped for.
Silenced embraced the surroundings. I think Dad was gone. He was just furious finding out my failed grade. This was the first time I got a failing grade. It feels so foreign that I got this, in an unexpected way. But I felt empty. Emptiness embraced my soul. I couldn't pin point what I was feeling, I guess, barely surviving.
The next day, I joined an organization in our school. I was also nominated as the president, so I was confident enough that I could get that position. As the campaign starts, we posted our campaign posters and videos through online platforms where we could reach a lot of students. We also did campaigns onsite. I never see my co-candidates as my rivals, for I was only thinking that I would get that seat, that position. It was the one that I only aimed for, for having the highest position in any aspects in my life.
I want to be higher... I want to rule. I want to have the authority. I want to be the best as the gods. I want to accomplish all what I hope— I craved for academic validation. This is what I lived about.
“Hey, Loneda? You're being different these days.” My best friend pointed out. I stared at her blankly. Am I?
“Just... finding myself.” I said, without humor.
She didn't answered. She accompanied me as the election starts. I didn't bother checking the current votes for I was so sure that I would be the president of the org. Yet... fortune is not on my side— again.
I wasn't hailed as the organization president. I was in disbelief upon the announcement of the newly elected officers. I was dumbfounded. The thing that ran into my mind.
I failed... again.
I was starting to loose confidence to myself. I was degrading myself for not achieving things that I wanted to obtain, to accomplish and to what I hoped to reach.
Yet, another failure was coming that day. The students in top list was announced on bulletin boards. Students flocked in front of it, but as long as they saw me they gave me a way to see the list.
There... I haven't found my name in the list.
I ran, aways with those piercing eyes as if they were judging my whole existence. I was carrying a lot of emotions, as I seek to have a peaceful to cry my heart out.
Do I deserve all of this? Why I was getting this shits? Why can't I have those what I want to attain? Among of all the people, why me?
Was it my fault?
Tears continue to cascade down my face, it was getting dark. I was peacefully lying on the bermuda grass away from anyone, where I could find peace. I gazed at the stars above shining brightly. Wishing, I could be the stars shining in their own without any burdens and could flaunt their uniqueness.
I want to be accepted to be who really am. Free to fail and to all expectations. I want to be an just an ordinary star, where I could just flaunt myself out and acknowledge my flaws.
It was not my time yet. I believe that we have our own timeline. So therefore, I must go with the flow first, accept the things that I may encounter and face the challenges on my own. Have the courage to fight until I accomplish and attain my planned goals.
Let me live, without any pressure and expectations. Let me live, like being truly alive. I want to be star that shines on my own way.
Author's Note: Please bare with me, this content if based on my current situation. I just want to express my thoughts and emotions through writing. I write to express, I use this platform to bleed all of the words kept in my mind. Thank you, have a nice day ahead!
