✓ UNLIKELY MATCH | HEESEUNG

30 - A Mother's First Sin

I nod and smile like the good daughter I've always tried to be. Taking a deep breath, I make my way down the hallway to my father's study. Each step I take is a step back to when he used to punish me, when he used to tape my mouth whenever I cried and lock me in the dark closet until I learned to be quiet. Maybe now, after I marry Heeseung and make his plans work, he could be a little proud of me. I could make him change his mind and I might even become a child he could love. 

Slowly, hesitantly, I knock on his door and wait for his response. "Come in," his voice calls from inside. I push open the door and step into the study, the familiar smell of old books and tobacco smoke filling my nostrils. My father is sitting behind his desk, papers scattered in front of him as he looks over some documents. He grunts in response, barely acknowledging my presence as I stand there, feeling like a child once again, seeking his approval.

"Hello, Dad," I say softly, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice. He looks up, his expression unreadable as he regards me with a cool detachment. One would look at a stray dog and have more compassion than he seems to have for me. "I wanted to say hello." 

"Hmm," is all he offers in response, his eyes flicking back to the documents on his desk. It's as if I'm nothing more than an inconvenience, an interruption in his busy schedule. The familiar sting of rejection washes over me, but I push it aside, reminding myself that I shouldn't expect anything more from him. Maybe he just would never be the loving, supportive parent I've always longed for. "I heard Ujin and you broke up."

"Yeah," The child in me is the happiest when my father is interested in my life, even if it's just for a moment. "We did."

"What did you do to make him run away?" He mutters, finally looking up at me with a hint of disdain in his eyes. I don't know how to react. How would one even react to such a question? How would one feel when the one person who's supposed to provide comfort and understanding only adds to the pain? It's like pouring salt on an open wound, and right now, I'm struggling to keep it together.

"I didn't do anything," I struggle to hold back the tears threatening to spill over, the pain of his indifference and lack of empathy piercing through me like a knife. I'm not about to tell him Ujin cheated on me because why would I want to give him the satisfaction of knowing someone else had hurt me? "Sometimes relationships just don't work out."

He scoffs, rolling his eyes as if my explanation is nothing but an inconvenience to him. "Well, you better learn from your mistakes, Sena. What about Lee Heeseung? I heard that someone had attacked him. You're nothing but trouble to the people around you." His words hit me like a punch to the gut.

"I don't see how Heeseung's situation has anything to do with me. He's a victim of a senseless act of violence. Blaming me for what happened to him is unfair-"

"Are you talking back to me?" The way he glares at me would have made child me shrink back in fear, but I refuse to cower before him now.

"I am," I don't know from where I'm getting all this confidence but I'm too tired of his belittling to remain silent any longer. "Are you going to put a tape over my mouth and make me sit in the dark closet again? Or maybe you're going to lock me out in the cold like you did last winter when I came back home to visit? Is that what you want, Dad?"

"How dare you speak to me like that, you ungrateful little brat!" My father's face darkens with rage, his eyes narrowing into slits as he rises from his seat, towering over me like a predator about to strike. He steps closer, his face inches from mine, his breath hot against my skin. "You're nothing but a burden, a mistake I wish I could erase from my life."

"You should have just killed me then!" By now, tears are streaming down my face but I can't find any fucks to give. Right now, I'm my father's biggest nightmare; I'm the daughter he never wanted. "You should have just left me to die when I fell into the lake! Or just kill me now. Go ahead, Dad, do your worst!"

"You're right, I should have left you to die when your mother pushed you in that lake! I should have let you drown like the worthless mistake you are!" My mother's horrified gasp echoes in the room, but she remains frozen, a spectator to the brutal scene unfolding before her. Suddenly, the pain in my cheek is secondary to the searing ache in my heart. The words my father spews at me cut deeper than any physical wound ever could. They confirm what I've always thought was just part of my imagination.

I turn to my mother, my eyes wide and my heart aching with betrayal. "Mom," I whisper, the word barely audible as it escapes my trembling lips. My father's words confirm that when I felt someone push me into the lake, it wasn't just my imagination playing tricks on me. It wasn't an accident. It wasn't a simple childhood mishap. My mother had pushed me into the lake. The revelation is like a punch to the gut, leaving me breathless and disoriented. My own mother tried to kill me.