Game Over

Chapter 13

"Wala lang 'to..."

"Kung wala lang 'yan, bakit ka umiiyak?" sabi niya sa akin. I couldn't feel any judgment on her voice. "Si Lui 'yan, noh?" Natigilan ako at saka napatingin sa kanya. "I mean, it was just a guess... Close kayong dalawa tapos biglang nandito ka at nasa Jury naman siya."

I tried to even my breathing.

"You know, there's a reason why may pamahiin tayo sa law school na bawal magka-love life o kaya makipagbreak kapag start na ng review for the BAR?" sabi niya sa akin. "Because it throws us off the balance. It's disruptive. It divides the attention."

I remained silent. I knew that. I didn't mean for this thing to reach this far. Sabi ko, go with the flow... hindi ko naman akalain na dadalhin talaga ako ng agos.

But who the fuck was I kidding?

I knew this.

I knew this, and still chose to dive in head first.

"I know this is not my place to meddle with, Tali, but we worked really hard to get to where we are now. Don't throw it all away because of some guy."

Was Lui just some guy?

In the future, would I meet someone else and would Lui just be considered as some guy who fucked me over during my BAR review? Possible ba 'yon?

"I'm trying to," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Try harder," she said. "Three months 'til BAR exam, Tali."

"Kung ikaw ako... ano'ng gagawin mo?"

She shrugged. "Go talk to him. Get answers to your questions. Then mag-aral ka na ulit," sagot niya. "Heartbreak is temporary—title is forever."

* * *

Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pa bang humarap kay Lui. When he decided to basically block me from his social media accounts, that stung like a slap on the face. Tapos magpapakita pa ulit ako sa kanya? Ganoon na ba ako katanga? Ganoon na ba ako ka-desperada para sa kanya?

I tried to focus on just studying... but I couldn't finish reading a material without shedding tears. Para bang lahat ng reviewer ko ay may bakas ng luha dahil sa kanya.

Sinubukan kong magtext sa kanya para sabihin na gusto kong mag-usap, pero wala siyang nirereplyan kahit isa. Kahit tumawag ako, panay lang ang ring nun hanggang sa matapos.

I tried to wait for him sa condo niya, pero para bang alam niya na naka-abang ako at hindi siya umuuwi... I tried to look for him sa mga lugar na pinupuntahan namin, pero hindi na raw siya nagagawi doon.

It was like he purposely stopped going to the places na alam niya na alam kong pinupuntahan niya.

"Last na 'to," sabi ko sa sarili ko habang naka-park ako sa labas ng review center na nilipatan niya. Tinignan ko iyong sarili ko sa salamin. Ang payat-payat ko na. Hindi na ako nakakapag-ayos. I felt so bad for myself. Why did I let myself go this far? Why did I allow myself to get entangled in this mess?

Nakakaawa na ako.

Tama si Cheena.

I just needed to get the answers... no matter how hurtful they might be... Tapos... tapos tama na.

I tried to make myself look presentable. I knew that there's a chance that Lui would strip me off of my dignity... might as well try to look good for that.

Paglabas ko ng sasakyan, nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa mga nakaka-salubong ko. This time, I hated how small the community is. They probably knew about Lui... at iyong katangahan ko sa kanya. They must laughing at me... or felt bad for me.