Nothing breaks quite like a heart | Kakashi angst | High school AU

XII: The last week

AAAAAAAAAA I love angst so so much!!!

Obito didn't approach me after that.

And I didn't approach him.

We didn't talk.

We no longer glanced at each other.

.

We tried to forget.

We tried to forget each other.

Erase all those memories alongside the pain.

But it didn't seem to work.

It was futile.

.

I distanced myself from Guy.

I no longer walked with him to school.

I didn't answer his calls.

.

But I had to do it. It was for their own good. No matter how much it could sting right now, it would still be better. I had to keep myself away, make them forget and get angry. Obito had tried to do the same thing, -but we still saved him. He didn't manage to make us forget. But this was something I was gonna do better than Obito.

Obito could always find someone better anyway. I was no one special, and Guy also had other friends. Rin, she had a big friend group. That was basically everyone worth mentioning. Those were the most important people in my life. My parents... they'd be able to get through it. 

There was nothing left in life to cling to. No shreds of hope levitating in the void to balance on top of. No paintings and films of memories to revisit in the back of my mind. None worth the time.

I wish I never spoke. I wish I never spoke those words aloud. I wish I never confessed to Obito. I wish those words never spilled out, that they never existed in the first place. I wish I never got the urge to tell Obito. Then those words wouldn't have been floating at the back of my mouth, ready to flow out onto the grey sky. Back then my vision was blocked by grey smoke, I wasn't able to see my thoughts in correct lightning. If only I could've seen things clearer back then. If only I could've kept my mouth shut.

I was too young to understand. I was too young to undestand that love doesn't have to be confessed. I was too young to understand that the day of confession never had to arrive. There was no one forcing me to confess; I just didn't understand that. I was dumb, obeying some sort of invisible ruleset. Something that didn't even exist, a thin white string that had the rules to love written on it. I blindly started following it, thinking confession had to be done someday.

Everything would be perfect now if I would've never done that. I'd be one of Obito's closest friends, getting to admire him from close-up. I wouldn't be stuck in this tricky situation, I'd be free as a bird. I wouldn't be locked up in a cage of love, I'd be a butterfly flying freely in the air.

.

..

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Why did humans have such complex emotions again?

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..

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Emotions are the fuel to life. The more complex they are, the more they stirr up your life. They can make the most mundane situations into the best or the worst memories. They change your thoughts, your mindset, values, everything.

They are what makes us human. Life has no soul or color without them, life without emotions is like a skinless skeleton. It is the roughest sketch of a colorful artwork, something incomplete without thoughts. But sometimes you still want to lock them away, in the darkest basement. Life doesn't exist without emotions, it is utterly worthless.

But what does that mean? It means that basically everything in life stems from emotions. In other words, all you need is those emotions on top of basic necessities. If you manage to turn your mind in favor of yourself, you've got the sharpest tools in the world. Positive emotions. Of course in times of chaos or crisis the mind cannot rest, resulting in more unpleasant emotions.  But once you reach the point of winning over the positive ones, you are good to go in life.

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Days passed and nothing happened.

Even weeks passed.

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I knew the end of my time was nearing.

Just the thought of it made me feel anxious. Like something was stirring and boiling inside my chest, swimming in my veins. Some part of me still wanted to cling onto life, something I wasn't entirely aware of. 

I knew my brain would start fighting back against that thought at one point. After all, I was a coward. The confrontation  between the back of my mind and those self-destructive thoughts was inevitable.

But I knew I had to go throught with it. I was already too far gone, I had already invested too much into that plan. I had thrown all my life away for this grand finale, like a confident gambler hiding their insecurity inside their fist.

It had to be done.

Nothing else mattered except for this mission to death.

After that everything would be over.

And I had to start the preparations now.

.

..

...

The last week began. I had no intention of spending a singular day in school.

On monday I went and bought my favorite cologne. I sat outside in the cold watching the dark sky until my limbs were so cold I could barely move them. It felt surreal knowing that time would soon stop for me yet no one else knew. Those around me lived their lives in complete obliviousness, continuing their chores and duties as normal.

Yet again I was different.

On tuesday I worked out. I walked around the neighborhood just reminiscing about the past. The cold breeze was a memory in itself aswell. I went to my local store and bought my childhood's most memorable ice cream.

I also walked past Obito's house.

On wednesday I deep-cleaned my room and watched my favorite series. I scratched my wrists until they started to bleed again. I started to write down my thoughts.

Time felt to go by painfully slow.

On thursday I played a bit of each of my favorite games. I bought my favorite snacks and ate my favorite food.

I purposefully let myself die in each of the games before logging out.

On  friday I went to my favorite cafe and got my favorite coffee. I browsed through the thousands of pictures on my phone. They contained my friends, family and almost everything I could remember from my life.

I felt guilty for what I was about to do.

On saturday I stole alcohol from my local store. Something that was rumoured to be good. I drank it all. All of the multiple cans. It was my first time ever trying alcohol.

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The last day was about to begin.