... And A Shiny New Sword - The Tale of Garbus the Malcontent

Chapter 3: Honest to God, I was kidding!

I survived this first meeting with Garbus, the Hero of Nivella. Well... duh! How else would I be able to tell you all this?

After the first rocky start of our relationship, and after I changed my pants, we found ourselves a quiet table in the corner where we would be left in peace by the other patrons in the tavern. The fact that Garbus did not seem the least bit drunk after downing what were now nine gigantic mugs filled with a mix of booze and cider - and commenting on how the economics in this kingdom did not make the least bit of sense - told me of his unmeasurable strength and constitution. He was a true hero through and through - a warrior unlike any other. Yet, as soon as he warmed up a little and started to let things off his chest - which was not an easy feat, considering the size of this thing - I noticed that he was well-spoken with a sharp mind, a rarity among warriors.

He told me the story of King Rondor, and how each of his heroic deeds was rewarded with a tiny bag of gold and some worthless trinkets. He showed me the sword, commenting on the quality of it, and I had to agree. Looking at the pommel, I squinched my eyes, trying to make out the shape it was supposed to have. "What is that supposed to be? A gazelle with the head of a stork?" I was actually well acquainted with the Royal blacksmith, and unfortunately Tordok didn't handle the local booze as well as Garbus did. Though you couldn't blame him for not trying. In that regard, the work on this sword wasn't too shabby.

"So what are you going to do now?" I finally asked the question that was lingering in the room. "I mean, apart from drinking that poor tavern owner dry?"

The tenth mug was now empty, and Garbus' burp made the ground shake beneath my feet. "You know, I would have taken this sword and shoved it up the king's Royal..."

"Shush!" I urged him, looking around the tavern in a fleeting moment of panic. But I was again forgetting whom I was talking to. Nobody would dare to say anything even if he did speak up. "I give you that, it would be a pretty amazing story to tell, but as far as long-term life plans go, that idea really sucks. Unless you were planning on fighting the entire Royal guard."

"I was considering that," Garbus admitted while the barmaid came to their table and fetched the mug to refill it once more. "In close combat none of them could beat me. The trouble is: They have crossbows as well. I can't do crossbows."

This was a tactical assertion I did not expect from him. "Still, what is your plan here? Will you just let it slide and travel someplace else where your deeds will be more appreciated?" I took a sip from my tankard, toying around with an idea for a joke in my head, and then I decided to just make it: "Or will you just take over this kingdom for yourself?"

I chuckled inside. Yeah, that is a good one! It took an awful lot of time until I realized that the man on the other side of the table was silent. He didn't laugh at all. He didn't even speak. For a moment I wondered if he breathed. He just looked at me, a dead serious look. A look that gave me a very bad feeling.

"You know what?" He finally spoke, and the bad feeling inside of me intensified. "Why not?"

I stared at him in horror. Please don't! I have no spare pants left! In the hopes that what he said was just a joke in response of my joke, I carefully inquired: "What do you mean?"

"Why should I not take over this kingdom?" His words put an end to my worries and made the fear become a reality. I was talking to a madman! 

"I mean..." I struggled to find an argument against it. "Well... the crossbows come to mind, for one."

"Then we have to deal with them first," Garbus nodded, and I could see that behind his forehead something resembling a plan was about to form. It did not comfort me in the slightest - especially when I grasped that little detail he had added in the last sentence. 

"Wait - what do you mean by 'we'?"

His deep blue eyes fixated me once more. "You are now in this, bard. So tell me: What would it take to take this kingdom?"

I cringed a bit on his choice of words. Repetition like that was driven out of one's repertoire with a sledgehammer at the bard academy. But I tried my best to focus on the matter at hand - at least it would give him some perspective and  would make it perfectly clear that this idea was nothing but a joke.

"You cannot do this alone," I explained to him. "I mean - not even you! You would need the strength of ten thousand men to overcome the walls of the city if you want to keep it."

Garbus nodded, not the least bit impressed by that impossible task. "What else?"

"The city is well defended. Siege engines like catapults, fire ballistas, boiling oil pots... Only with the courage of ten thousand men you could hope to get past all that."

"Noted," Garbus confirmed with another nod. "Anything else?"

He was still going on? Was he even listening? I stared at him, trying to make him understand through my sheer will that this was a bad idea. "Honestly, if you would ever hope to succeed in this, the thing you really need is..."

"Ten thousand men?" he asked.

"Ten thousand men," I finished my sentence, feeling a bit miffed about him cutting me off.

Finally the barmaid returned with his mug. It wasn't for long though. He didn't down this one like the others, but he drank awfully fast. I felt like I had to somehow keep up with his speed, and the result was that the ale was starting to get to my head already. "You do realize that this is a really stupid idea, and that I was only kidding?" I tried to talk him down. However, my tongue seemed to have other plans, and it seemed like my words didn't come out of my mouth as clearly as I intended them to be.

And Garbus obviously noticed it. "You speak unclear, bard." With a frown he asked: "What is your name, anyway?"

Staring into my tankard and the little splash of dark brown liquid in it, I tried to remember. "Reinhardt," I then answered confidently. "Yes... Reinhardt Tellitto." I chuckled again, but this time not only on my inside. Very few people got the joke in it.

"Reinhardt... Tellitto, the bard?" Garbus brushed over his beardless and very majestic chin. "Shouldn't your last name not be Listento instead?"

I looked at him - he seemed to radiate something. An aura of brilliance that surrounded him. I blinked once, then twice... and I realized that I just saw two of him. "Damn, you have to ruin every single joke I tell you, don't you?" As I downed the last of my ale, my next few words were accompanied by a belch of my own, but a lot less impressive than his. "I see that we will get along quite nicely, you and I."

The two heroes across the table smiled similarly. "So of the ten thousand men that you said I need... I now have the first."

"Hey, I didn't say that!" Damn, that ale worked fast! How many of those did I drink? Two, was it? Or three? I looked into the tankard and the splash of dark brown liquid in it. I drank it up. "I didn't say that at all... or did I?"

The warriors pulled out two bags of gold and placed them on the table right next to my tankard. The two tankards by now. No wonder I hadn't finished my drink. "I will make it worth your while," Garbus said. "You won't regret it."

Gold coins were blinking from the holes in both bags. It looked like the stitches weren't holding up. "What a shitty bag!" I commented, getting the feeling that the words didn't come out right.

"Maybe we should take a rest before we go on our journey." The voice of the warrior was an echo in my ears, and I felt like the room was beginning to spin around me. Rest? Yeah, that's a good idea. But still, I wasn't ready to go on a journey. I had some responsibilities here. I had my music, my performances... cats to bed, beautiful women to feed... or something like that...

That ale was suspiciously strong... "Did you... dids you push shomeshing in my... in my...?"

The last thing I remembered from that moment was a shout across the room that sounded like Garbus, had the authority of Garbus, but I can't imagine that it was really Garbus who shouted it. "Hey!" were the words. "Hail to the King, the fat bastard!"

Suddenly it became very loud in this room. From the corner of my eye I saw a tankard flying in my direction, right at my face, and then I immediately must have taken Garbus' advice and taken a rest, cause I never saw the outcome of that scene.