Unsaid Thoughts

Am I different? (note in the end)

When I was a kid people would made fun of my weight.

I thought those words they are saying was normal since I didn't actually know it's meaning.

I was still a kid at those times...

I used to think why do people kept telling me to lose weight?

I used to think why do I look so different from them?

I used to think that I wish I was those girls that I see through the magazines...

I used to think that why am I not skinny like them?

In those old days, I do enjoy eating without any hesitations...

Without out having second thoughts,

When I was a kid I still smile big,

I never get tired of my own self....

I was also very confident with my own,

As I grow up I started to notice something...

I noticed that I hated every single detail about me...

I hated how I looked,

I hated how I eat alot

I hated how I randomly locked myself up from the society,

I hated the new me...

I hated how harsh I am to my own

I hated how I would scream from the top of my lungs in front of a mirror or just a reflection of my self and say things like .

" WHY DO YOU EVEN EXIST!!?!?!""
WHY DO I LOOK SO AWFUL???! "
"I HATE MYSELF "
"I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN! "
" WHY DO YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT!?!?!"

I hated how I treat myself so bad....

Right now whenever I eat I always think if I should eat or nah.

Now whenever I eat I think of something,

If I eat again I might overeat myself over again...

What if I don't eat? What if I ever starve myself out?

Will I be skinny?

Will people stop bothering me how many I eat or what I eat?

Will people start noticing how I change?

Will they be happy?

Will I also be happy?

Now that I think about it I felt so bad for my own...

Those times that I would randomly bumped my head to our wall,

Telling myself that I was different,

disgusting human being ,

why am I not like them? and why I'm not perfect?

Sooner or later...

I kept noticing my imperfections.

I was so obsessed being perfect!

Perfect skin!,
Perfect body!,
Perfect teeth!,
Perfect eyes!,
Perfect nose and,
Perfect lips...

Then I  realized that I was also affecting someone,

A person who's with me throughout these years...

I never thought that I was also hurting my little
me.

Maybe if I started to ignore my imperfections

Maybe I would love myself...

Maybe I would stop obsessing abt being perfect.
Maybe...

Right now, I wouldn't become like this...

A person who's always obsessed being perfect,

A person who hated everything about their own,

A person who's always unhappy with theirself,

A person who's struggling alot

A person who just let theirself go...

A person who didn't get their happy ending,

And a person who just looked down to theirself...

Now...

I hope I would start loving myself,

I hope that I would improve day by day

I hope that I would get that happy ending that I was aiming for since when I was a kid.

I hope that I would be happy for who am I for the
first time....

A/N:I posted this because I didn't publish it before since I was scared to do so and this was actually for my video project that I had last school year yet I just wanted to share this one with you guys it's because for those people who are relate with this so much I wish you guys to be happy for your own self, y'all deserve happiness that you need and it's not your fault if things starts to get rough again...

Life is full of upside downs but it won't always stay  downs someday you'll probably feel the way on how you wanna get treated. :)  I am proud of you for being strong for this long keep it up !