illogical

𝚌𝚑. 05

❗this chapter contains: cursing, violence

_._♧_._

Katerina Koroleva woke up in a cold sweat. Again.

She was never under the sheets, so it was quite easy to bolt upright and curl her legs to her chest. She fixed her gaze on a panel on the wall in front of her, her sight blurred by salty tears pooling in her eyes. She wiped her sniffling nose with the palm of her heel.

It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't fucking real.

"Возьмите себя в eбаный руки, Катерина. (Get a fucking grip, Katerina)." She growled under her breath. She was always so vulnerable when she was sleeping. Weak. Katerina fucking hated it. She wasn't supposed to be weak.

Her nightmare had put her back in her little six-year-old body and mind. She was at a charity gala, like the ones she attended when her father was alive. Except this time SHIELD agents had stormed it. Katerina saw her older self in that stupid tactical gear with her stupid helmet and stupid SHIELD logo embellished on her clothing. She watched as the older Katerina pulled the trigger on her.

Katerina shoved the memory out of her thoughts, exiting her bed and forcing her feet to find their way to the bathroom. She stared at herself in the mirror. It was the same face in her dream that had shot six-year-old Katerina. Katerina had killed herself, but older Katerina killed younger Katerina, but she was herself so...this was confusing to think about. She shouldn't be thinking about it at all, it was just a stupid nightmare. It wasn't real.

She ran cold water from the faucet and splashed it on her face. The cold helped tone down her puffy eyes and red cheeks. Katerina spared a glance at herself again; her hair was kind of greasy. She needed to shower soon, but there wasn't one. Dark circles were forming under her too-thin eyes. Her nose was too narrow and her mouth too wide. Kseniya was always the pretty one.

Katerina ran her damp hands along the edges of her hair to tame the baby hairs on the sides of her head and left the bathroom. She considered getting back in the small, metal-framed bed for a second before deciding against it. On missions, when she wasn't home, she slept on the floor. She was not home. Sleeping on the floor might help put her back into mission mode.

Katerina sat herself down on the floor, the cold tile making goosebumps on her arms. She laid on her side, tucking her arms under her head.

She never really went to sleep. Her eyes were closed, but she stayed on the edge between consciousness and unconsciousness, never really being wide awake but never actually going to sleep.

She stayed like that until the usual two guards entered her room to deliver breakfast. If they were concerned at all as to why she was on the floor, they didn't say anything. Katerina listened as she pretended to be asleep, waiting for them to do something, but they just set the tray on her bed and left. Didn't even bother to see if she was alive. Katerina scoffed under her breath, rising from her spot on the floor to retrieve her breakfast as the door clicked shut.

The food on the tray was the same as yesterday's: apple slices, toast, and nuts. This time, Katerina ate them, albeit slowly. Her nightmares were not helping with her appetite.