The Life, Death, and Relife of the Mushroom Mage

Chapter 19

Do something fun.

She wanted to do something fun.

"Thank you, Mally," she said, and gave them a wane smile. Mally inclined their head, and she took in his curly hair and soft honey brown eyes. He really was beautiful. She wanted to pinch his cheeks.

"Just... take it one day at a time, okay?" Mally asked gently, and she nodded and looked down at her pale purple dress. It was pretty, embroidered with tiny white flowers, and she kind of hated it. They were going with a theme of small flowers for her, and she was annoyed about it.

"Thank you, Mally," she murmured and took another sip of her mulled wine. It was weird that she was drinking at fifteen, but she assumed they weren't as stuffy about that sort of thing here than they were back home.

Home...

She had been here for a year now, and she didn't want to give up on going home. But, it was looking further and further away. She didn't think she would get to go home. This was her new home now, but she missed it. Oh, she missed it desperately. She would have to make a life here, and she didn't want to make a life here. She did not want to make a life here. She was sick of sacrificing. She was sick of being the Saint. It was a life of constant sacrifice, when you were actually living it properly. She didn't want to live it.

She did not want to live it.

She wanted something more than this. She wanted to actually be fulfilled. This wasn't fulfilling. This was hell.

She kind of wanted to go home, back to the temple, and go to bed. The four of them had barely been hanging out an hour, but she wanted to go home. She felt miserable and sad, and she tried to think of an excuse, but she was coming up blank.

"Should we go back to the others?" Mally asked as they set their mug down on the stand, and oh, they finished their drink. Artesia drained the rest of her wine and set their mug down, and then she nodded and reached out for their hand, wrapping hers around theirs and pulling them off.

"You alright?" Edwin asked as they reached them, and Artesia nodded.

"The puppet show just made me sad and I had to step away for a moment," she replied. The puppet show was coming to an end now, and she looked at the intricately carved puppets with sad eyes. It wasn't the same as back home. It wasn't the same, but it was close enough.

"Saints can marry now, so I wouldn't be too upset about it," Jacques said, and she pursed her lips.

It was probably a warning from the Goddess. Get your head on straight, or I'll make you get your head on straight. She was a superstitious person, and she had real proof that the Goddess was real. Magic didn't make sense otherwise, much less holy magic. There was a reason holy magic practitioners couldn't learn any other magic. The Goddess was clear.

"Should we cheer up the lady?" Jacques asked, and Artesia gave him a small smile.

"Actually, I think I'd like to go home now," she said, and Jacques visibly wilted. "Sorry. I just..."

"Having divine revelations?" Edwin asked, and Artesia was quiet.

"I need to pray," she said firmly, and Edwin slowly nodded.

"Alright," he said. "We can escort you back to the temple."

"Let's get some more food on the way there," Mally said. "Maybe something sweet, to wash down the bitterness."

"Alright," Artesia agreed, and the four of them set out. The temple wasn't too awfully far from here, and she wrapped her arms around herself as she walked. She felt... tired. Tired of trying to play this role, tired of her constant attempts to be a good person, and tired of the fact that she was the Saint. The Saint was a big role, and she never wanted to be this important. It was a lot of pressure on one person, and literally all she had to do was clear out the contamination. What was the big deal? She had a job. Why was everyone acting like she was descended from the gods itself?

Greta's confession was weighing on her. She felt like she was going to be a problem in the future, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She just... Why did Greta act like that? She didn't know. She didn't know. It was overwhelming, and everyone was looking to her to be a spiritual leader, but she didn't want to be a spiritual leader. She just wanted to be an extra. An extra sounded safe. An extra sounded normal.

"Your mind is far away," Edwin said, and she glanced at him.

"Just thinking about my role," she said quietly. "I don't..."

Want to be the Saint, she realized. Not just because of the whole villainess thing. She didn't want to fulfill this role, this person that was a paragon of holiness and kindness and gentleness. She had to be perfect, and she didn't want to be perfect. She just wanted to be a normal person.

"That's the reality of our position, though," Edwin said. "It doesn't matter what we want."

It doesn't matter what we want rung around her head, and she swallowed and looked down at her shoes. She thought about Daisy, unbidden, and her family struggling under the drought and contamination wracking their land. In the original novel, Artesia refused to clear out the contamination. That was... that was bad. Artesia wasn't going to be doing that. The Aldova County would be the first thing on her list, as soon as the social season was over.

As soon as social season was over... Hm.

She glanced at Mally. Maybe she should hire them to take care of her while she was traveling. Something about Mally was comforting, familiar, and she was selfish. She was very selfish.

Mally would probably refuse, unless she paid a hefty sum. Six months away from the capital would be a lot, but she wanted them with her. She was lonely, and Mally was like a fresh breath of fresh air. Yes, they were over concerned with station, but...

Ah, it was fine. It was fine.

She took a deep breath in and walked ahead of the rest of them, her brain spinning with options. She wanted to leave early, honestly. She hated social season already, and it had barely started. She wasn't looking forward to awkward teatimes and having to use every ounce of etiquette training she had to keep up. Plus, the idly conversations about modern politics... Horrible. She didn't care about the politics. She knew she should, because she would be used to throw out in front of any scandals, but she didn't care about them.

She wanted more than this, she realized.

She wanted more than this.

And she didn't know how to get it.