𝒯𝒽ℯ ℬ𝓁ℴ𝓃𝒹ℯ ʳʲ ˡᵘᵖⁱⁿ

alice

Some feelings are like old familiar friends.

My eating disorder's like that for me.

When I'm not in it, I don't remember it.
I remember it's bad.
I remember the darkness, but it's..  different to feel it again. It's the difference between remembering what a room looks like and actually walking trough the door.

Being inside it again.
Feeling it.

When the episode starts, it can be slow at first. An intrusive thought.

"I'm not hungry.", but then it's gone. You bat it away like a fly or bad smell.

When it hits you fully though, when you're really in it, it's everything.

It's who you are, you're nothing else.
You start to hate yourself.
Your body.
Who you are.
You can't feel anything anymore.

You feel empty.

You never really know what is going on inside someone else's head.

Everyone's fighting a battle you can't see.

We all have blind spots.

And you know it's you.
It's something wrong with you, and it's also exhausting. So goddamn shifty and exhausting,
it's helpless.
It's a void and existing takes so much energy, you wanna sink into a hole of nothing.

Anyway, it's familiar. I've been here before, gotten out of it before, but the getting out part becomes the room that you remember but aren't in.

And that's what's scary.

Maybe I feel this way because I don't eat, but maybe also because of all the stress and trauma. I don't know.

All I know is that my stomach turns once I see food. I can't even look at it. When I see it it's like my breath gets stuck in my throat and I can't think properly.

I know that I hate eating.

𝒜𝓁𝒾𝒸ℯ