Innocence is overrated

Escape is reality's worst enemy - Part 11

My big brother looks down at me then rests his chin on the top of my head, just so he can be my big brother one more time. If he knew what I’d done, he wouldn’t want to be. It takes me a while to realize we’re in some field…a farm maybe?

‘How did you get here?’ He holds me at arm’s length and just stares at me.

‘I don’t know. I’m scared…I don’t know where I’m going.’

He sighs and we sit down in the grass, the sun blinding me for a minute before he shields my eyes for me one last time. He looks around so I look around too.

‘Remember when life was easy?’

‘Yeah…’ I don’t know what to say…how to act around him anymore.

‘Remember when we used to come here and just run around till it was nearly dark. Mum used to carry us here with her when dad used to piss her off. Every time they argued, we came here. Every time he cheated on her; we came here. She said that she’d come here because it was the only place he couldn’t hurt her…the only place he couldn’t ruin’

‘no’ I say it softly so he looks at me. I don’t remember anything he just said but I wish I did so I could go there and run around like old times…chasing the wind and pretend I was chasing him.

‘Really? Think hard. ‘The runaways’ she used to call us. You used to drag your stupid little bear around with you like it was God. You said mum told you never to let it go…so you didn’t’ He laughed as his head was submerged into the long grass. I loved his laugh. I laughed with him just so I could hear it for a little longer.

‘You’re a good kid’

‘What? Me? I haven’t been so good in a while’

‘yes you have or else you wouldn’t have a kid you hardly know snoring her ass off next to you’

‘That’s not ‘good’…that’s just me feeling guilty…hoping that if I did one thing right karma would give me a break for a couple days’

He laughed again and held my hand. I wanted to stay here forever…I missed him so much but I didn’t want him to see me cry. I don’t like it when he feels sorry for me. I don’t like being his burden. I lay on the grass too and we just stare at the clouds for a while and I hear children laughing…I see him in the field running. I remember.

Then he says something strange.

‘Things go missing if you don’t look after them properly.’

Then BAM! I fall off the seat and bang my head on the steering wheel. The long drone of ‘BEEEP’ woke me up completely. I try to shut my eyes… I squeeze them so hard my temples hurt…but I cant see him – he’s gone.

“Guess its time to hit the road again” I say in a western accent, starting the car up again. Silence…I look around and I don’t see anyone. Where’d she go? Her door is wide open so I run outside. I run into the middle of the green grass and scream hoping she’ll come back. I feel my heart start to race and my hands shake under my panic. Where the fuck can one kid go? I wanted to scream her name, but I didn’t even know it…how can I have someones child in my car and not even know their name? And this is why I think I was deemed most likely to fail in life.

No…not this time. I was on a winning streak until I erm you know – ran over Kerry.

There was no-one around I could ask for help. The one time I’m willing to belittle myself to ask for help and there’s not one single person around…great.

“TEDDY BEAR GIRL!” I screamed so hard I think I heard my voice break. “TEDDY BEAR GIRL THIS ISN’T FUNNY!” My eyes are blurry so I blink back the tears, I refuse to sit in a corner and cry my troubles away. I’ve denied my adulthood for many years now, and I believe it’s time to finally live up to it.

I run around the park aimlessly, looking under every slide. I squeeze myself into those ridiculously small tunnels and hope she’ll be on the other side. Why do I even care? If it wasn’t for this brat I would’ve been home free. But, instead I have to drive around looking for fucking Elderwood. I collapse in the spot I’d started – right in the middle of nature. I just lay there letting tears slide down my face. I hoped she’d just fall from the clouds or that she was actually still in the car, but I hadn’t noticed. I hoped I would be able to turn around and she’d be standing there with her raggedy old teddy bear with that innocent smile on her face. Maybe hoping just wasn’t enough anymore.

If this were a movie, I’m sure I would find a ribbon in a bush and then a trail of clues to lead me to her whereabouts. We’d hug and cry at our reunion; three days reality, but 2 hours movie time. And, if Disney had their way, we’d burst into song right before the title sequence started. But life isn’t like Disney is it? I won’t hear her song from a mile away and find a random team to save her from an evil villain, set on taking over the world.

I got up and put my head in my hands. Maybe it was time to admit defeat (and possibly stop watching disney films)…I had a good run…with a few bumps of course (no pun intended). I look over at the black BMW in all its murderous glory and drag my feet over to it. Left foot then right in its usual ‘fuck my life’ manner. I find some solace in sitting on her seat and whack my head against the headrest. BANG! Was that me? I scurry out of the car like a vermin who was faced with light for the first time. I trip over my own feet in anxiety and sure enough an old woman walks by to see me at my finest hour, clutching her bag of groceries as if I was an animal. I wipe of my tears and feel my heart pounding at my ribs. I ignore the pain and realize how long it’s taking for me to get to the back of the car. The car trunk is slightly open and my heart races. This is it. I open the car trunk slowly and I’m welcomed with a teddy bear thrown at my face.

“What took you so long?” She whines. I see a white tear stain down her face and she pushes up her top lip. I cant help but smile. “Don’t you know how to play hide and seek? I hide…then you come and look for me. Why did you take so long to look for me?” She frowns at me and I’m left speechless. My eyes trail over to the corpse that is Kerry and try to hide my shock.

“I didn’t know we were playing hide and seek” I say as my only excuse. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“because I thought you were counting , silly” She rolls her eyes and hops out of the trunk, unfazed by the woman adjacent to her. She reclaims her teddy and dusts him off before following my eyes. “Why is she sleeping in the car?”

“Because she’s tired” I close the trunk and realize that I’ll have to start answering some questions. I sigh and turn to face her.

“Isn’t she scared of the dark?” Her head twists slightly to the side.

“No” I answer shortly. I think the less I say; the better.

“Then doesn’t she want to go sleep in her own bed at home…with her mommy?” Her perplexed face demands my answer.

“She doesn’t have a home, so if we let her sleep, she can go find her mommy when she wakes up ok?”

“Ok…but she doesn’t smell very nice” She turns covers her nose and covers her teddy’s nose too.

“That’s because if you don’t have a home, then you don’t have a shower. Understood?”

“Understood.” She accepts my words as law and skips back to the car, telling me to be quiet so the homeless lady can sleep. I see how good I’m getting at lying to little girls.

I bite my lip and close my eyes as I strap myself into the driver’s seat. Where am I going next? You tell me…cause I sure as hell don’t have a clue.