Ford Escort

18 - Dilemma

The rain was coming down much harder now than it had been when we'd arrived at the club, the second I stepped out onto the sidewalk I was soaked. I pulled my jacket up over my head as a makeshift umbrella and started off down the street.

I knew I would need to call an Uber, I had no idea where I was and had no intention of walking all the way home in this weather, but I wanted to put some distance between myself and the club before I stood around waiting for a car. I didn't want Ava catching up to me and dragging me back inside.

"Hey!" A voice called out behind me.

I didn't know if the shout was directed at me or not, but the voice was male, and I was a young woman walking alone downtown at night. I kept my head lowered and walked faster down the sidewalk.

"Veronica, wait!" The mention of my name made me stop in my tracks. I knew in an instant the voice belonged to Eli.

"I've got to go!" I called over my shoulder, resisting the urge to glance back at him, "I had a great time, I'm sorry!"

Before I even had time to hope that he would go back inside, he had managed to catch up to me. He fell in step next to me on the sidewalk, waiting for me to meet his eyes. When I continued walking with my eyes on the ground I half expected him to step out in front of me, or grab me, but he didn't. He just continued walking with me, stubborn and silent.

"Eli, what are you doing?" I asked, raising my voice to be heard over the rain.

"I'm walking with you, walking alone this time of night isn't safe. What are you doing?"

It was a good question, one I didn't have the willingness to truthfully answer. I was running from the potential conflict and difficulty he could bring into my life. I'd only just met him, and already I'd managed to embarrass myself in front of him, grow somewhat possessive of him and become undeniably sexually attracted to him. God knows how much more intense things would get if I continued to hang around with him.

"I'm leaving."

"I can see that."

"No," I stopped walking and finally turned to look up at him, "I mean I'm leaving Maine."

"When? Why?" He didn't appear upset, just curious. The rain dripping from his hair making him look like an overpriced sports drink commercial.

"As soon as I can afford it. I thought I wanted change and distance, but I don't. It's hard, and it's lonely and I just want to go home. I hate my major, I hate college in general, it's just not going the way I thought it would."

At this point there wasn't a dry spot on either of our bodies. I let my jacket slip off my head and settle onto my shoulders, it was pointless to try and shield myself from the rain anymore. We continued to stand in the middle of the sidewalk, shivering as we spoke.

"That's understandable. You tried something, and it wasn't for you." He shrugged, "I get that. What does that have to do with you avoiding me and walking out into a rainstorm alone?"

"I like you." Something about the drama of this moment, the honest conversation alone in the rainy streets of Maine, made me feel inclined to just be straight with him. "I don't know how much, I still barely know you, but I know that I want to know you... and that alone says something."

"And?" He didn't seem to understand my dilemma, or maybe he did and he just wanted the closure.

"And... I don't want to find out if I really like you. I don't want a reason to stay."

It was most of the truth, the omission being my recent development with Mr. Ford. I still hadn't decided if I wanted this thing I had started with my boss to continue, but I knew adding someone else to the insanity of the mix would only end badly.

"And what if I already know I like you? Would that make a difference?" He asked.

It was something out of a romantic drama, the way his stern eyes locked with mine for just a moment, before my gaze wandered to his bottom lip, dripping with rain. His teeshirt was sticking to him, his muscular torso openly on display through the dark gray fabric.

"Yes," I met his eyes again, "That makes it so much worse."

"So that's it then? We can't even be friends?"

"I don't want to be friends."

The words were more complex than I had tried to let on, holding two very different meanings. The meaning I tried to convey, the one I wished I believed, that I didn't want anything with him. And the meaning I knew was there, lingering just below the surface, which was that I already wanted more than friendship. I couldn't tell which way he had taken it, either way it didn't matter, it meant the same thing: I could not be around him.

Without another word I took off down the sidewalk again, this time he did not follow me. 

*****

I took a deep breath and pulled out my phone in the back of my Uber. I had seen the numerous text notifications from Ava as I had arranged for the car, but I had ignored the words written in all caps, and decided I would read them once I was safely on my way home.

There were 21 texts from her. Asking where I had gone, if I had left, calling me a coward for leaving, then telling me I needed to call her and that she was worried. I hit "call" and closed my eyes as I waited for her answer, knowing that I had been a total asshole tonight. The phone rang a lot longer than I had expected, but just before voicemail picked up she answered sounding out of breath.

"You bitch!" Much to my surprise, she didn't sound all that upset, "I can't believe you ditched me."

"I'm sorry," I really was, "I just wasn't feeling it."

"I know. I'm sorry for being so pushy about Eli, I just wanted to help."

"Don't worry about it. Are you still in the club?" I noticed I could actually hear her, and wondered if she'd ended up leaving as well.

"Yeah, Simon's going to drive me back after the show's over. I'm in the bookstore now, I ran out here when I noticed you calling."

"Well go back to your night. I'm just going to go back to the dorm and sleep." I leaned back into my seat, already feeling like I was on the verge of dozing off.

"Alright hun. Glad you're safe, love you!"

I felt my heart swell a little at the genuine care in her tone, I had never had a friend who made me feel this way. All of my childhood friends from Sacramento had just been people I went out with, people who invited me to things, none of them had ever worried about my safety or told me they loved me.

"I love you too." I replied, feeling both warm and saddened as I realized it was true.

I had been trying to avoid starting anything with Eli, for the fear that I would get attached and not want to leave, but it was clear that my growing friendship with Ava was already a huge reason to dread leaving. Yet somehow, I didn't regret it.

As I ended the call, I wondered if I'd made a mistake pushing Eli away. I knew that I didn't want to stay in Maine, and intentionally forging relationships knowing that I would have to end them seemed foolish. However, avoiding something that I felt so drawn to seemed like a different kind of foolish.

"Ugh." I groaned, staring up at the car ceiling and wishing life wasn't so complicated.