Playing for Real - Book 2

Chapter 19

"No, of course not!" I'm struggling to breathe again. There's no use in confiding in Trina right now. She can't help me, not when I'm such a mess. I exhale, and the air seeps out in a weak puff. "I know she's trying to be here for me, but it only worsens things. We agreed we were on a break. She needs to respect that."

Trina doesn't respond. She nods and closes the door behind her.

The last thing I wanted when I admitted myself was for Quinn to feel tied to me. What if I didn't recover? What if I couldn't defeat my addiction to be the man she deserves? The guilt was too much.

I needed my space. She needed to return to Boston without the burden of my problems. She's working on an MBA that she needs to focus on completing. I couldn't let my transgressions become her worry. Quinn was right. I did need to choose me first.

I've been feeling plenty of things. Sorrow. Frustration. Anger. The image of her breaking down in tears when I told her we needed to take a break, for fuck's sake, is the worst reminder in the world. I told her she didn't need to be in charge of cleaning up my mess, and I wasn't sure if I could ever get over this hurdle in my life. I couldn't live with myself knowing she was at Harvard burdened with the responsibility of being my girlfriend. At this rate, I'm not sure how I will ever recover.

___________

A few days later, the door opened, and I looked over, expecting to see my counsellor.

Instead, it's Hilton.

What the hell?

"Why the fuck, are you here? You don't give a shit," I snarl. "If you're here to reprimand me for my lawyer negotiating with the league to cover my bills and mortgage for the next three months, you can talk to him. I don't want to hear it."

Hilton doesn't respond. He walks over to the chair in the corner and sits down. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, and his clothes are rumpled. I didn't invite him here, and he's the last person I want to see. How did he even get in here? I need to approve all visitors. The fact he's here doesn't sit well with me. I need to be alone.

"I do give a shit. And, of course, I vouched for you when your lawyer requested that the league cover your bills while you're in rehab. You're my star player, and you needed help."

"And help from you always comes with strings attached. So what are you looking for this time, huh? Gratitude? Respect? Me to walk away from Quinn again? Forget it."

"Quinn doesn't know I'm here. She still refuses to speak with me." His voice is hoarse. I can hear the pain laced in his words. "I'm not here to meddle, threaten, or destroy what you have going on with my daughter. But we need to talk."

There is nothing Hilton can say that I want to hear, but I remain silent and wait. The quicker he gets out what he has to say, the sooner he'll be gone.

"I know I've ruined any chance for her to trust me again." He stops and looks over at me. "When her mother, Anne, was suffering, I abandoned her over and over and over again by choosing my career over her and refusing to accept that she needed help. I hid her problems from our family, our friends, and the media. I was in serious denial. I left all the responsibility for my wife's illness to Quinn. I refused to deal with it because I was so damn angry with my wife. But when it comes to Quinn's relationship with you, I don't want her to make the same mistakes, and I don't want you to push her away or resent her as my wife did with me. Quinn loves you. And she's not scared to stand by you through this darkness like I was. It's my fault her mother's illness went untreated for so long. I ignored that she was suffering and turning to alcohol to self-medicate her depression. I'm the one who let her suffer in rehab alone. Somewhere along the line, I started hurting the people closest to me, including Quinn. And I haven't figured out how to stop."