Secrets are there to be told

The second

Some would expect it to get better, for Chan to become more himself now that Seungcheol knew about him, about his secret. But the truth was far from it.

As the filming for Going Seventeen started early in the morning the next day, Chan stayed behind in the hotel. He had told Seungcheol that he needed a mental health day, that he needed just one day to calm down, think about what happened and that he would be totally fine again after that one day.

But Chan didn't feel better after that one day, he only felt worse. His time alone let his mind free to think, to wander around and think about his life. Something in his mind switched, like a light-switch that was turned over. He couldn't stop thinking about the things that Seungcheol had said the night before. He couldn't stop thinking about what would change if he would tell his whole story, if he played an open card to his leader.

When Seungcheol came back from filming he found Chan on the balcony attached to their hotel room.

"Hey, we're back, are you feeling a bit better?" Seungcheol asked as he sat down on the chair beside Chan. Chan nodded, "Yea, I just watched some cartoons all day." Chan didn't lie about that, there was no need to be lying about that. He did watch cartoons all day, though he didn't remember any of the cartoons that he watched. HIs mind was too busy to think about so many other things than his cartoons.

"How was filming?" Chan asked Seungcheol, in the hope to change the subject of the conversation. "It was fun, but also really tiring. I think that everyone is happy that it is over for today." Seungcheol answers with a sigh. He sounded tired, and Chan felt guilty for that.

"So uh... I was wondering if you want to talk about what happened yesterday?Just to talk about it without the big emotions in between us." Seungcheol offered. Chan shook his head. "I don't want to talk ever again about it." He sounded bitter.

Chan had thought about it, of course he did. That was all that he could think about the whole day. But as soon as Seungcheol offered to talk about it, Chan's mind protested. It screamed, the devils in his mind screamed so much harder than the angels. They wouldn't let him, they wouldn't let him say a word. And so, Chan snapped at Seungcheol.

"But... are you sure? You can't keep it quiet forever Chan." Seungcheol tried it again. He needed to try, as Chan's friend, as Chan's leader, Seungcheol had to try for his youngest member. "I don't want to talk about Hyung, never again." Chan got up from his chair, "I'm going to the grocery store, do you need anything?" The tone of his voice was still harsh. Seungcheol shook his head. Chan nodded and went inside the room to grab his stuff to leave.

"Chan, really you can-" Seungcheol got interrupted by Chan slamming the door of their room shut. He sighed and slumped down in the chair, wondering how this could happen. Seungcheol felt like a failure, he felt like he was letting his youngest member down, he felt like he wasn't the leader Seventeen needed at this moment. Because he couldn't help his members... because they wouldn't let him.

It took them weeks.

For Seungcheol these weeks were filled with worries about Chan, filled with insecurities about his leadership and lots of reassurance from Jeonghan. They both kept a close eye on Chan, they made sure that the younger boy ate everyday, that the younger boy took care of himself. They kept an eye on his clothes. They noticed how the big hoodies stayed, that the hoodies barely were replaced by t-shirts anymore and that even the shorts, which Chan would wear often to compensate with the hoodies, were an off-limit item of clothing.

For Chan these weeks were filled with many late nights where he talked to himself about everything that happened in his life, he would write them down, change the stories into songs or poems. Chan would do everything to get his mind off, everything to get that little piece of quiet time in his head.