He refused to go to any other 'meeting' ever again.
●●●●●
The balcony is always quiet. Felix doesn't disrupt the peace there like he likes to do in the rest of our home.
Right now, he's inside the room on a call with one of his friends, but I can't remember who he told me it was. I'm not paying attention to what he's saying at the back. My eyes are stuck on the sky, the one thing I've always found fascinating.
The pizzas from before were delicious, one of the bests we've ever made. We had fun and Felix got tomato sauce all over the kitchen counter.
My mouth curls into a smile remembering. I press the cigarette to my lips and take a long and deep inhale. The smoke feels my lungs and I know I should quit, but as I puff out the grey cloud of mist I promise myself that day will come at another time.
My mind gets distracted by anything, my thoughts are bouncing around like hyperactive rabbits. There's a hand on my shoulder that brings me back to planet earth and I notice Felix by my side. He's looking at the sky too, but just for a moment his eyes meet mine.
"Who was it on the phone?" I ask him.
He takes the cigarette out of my hand and presses it's tip to the cold railing of the balcony, putting it out and throwing it afterwards. I watch it fall in silence. "You told me you were going to quit." he says, voice quiet. "You always tell me that you'll quit."
I hung my head low in slight shame because he's right. "I'm sorry."
I keep forgetting about my own promises. The addiction always makes me forget whenever I light one mindlessly.
Felix sighs. "Can you give me the box, please?" he asks. I do as he says. When he sees how there's only one left he furrows his eyebrows. "Are you feeling bad again?"
"The packet is old. I'm okay."
He seems satisfied with my answer as he crumbles the little cardboard box and rests his head on my shoulder. I find it funny how he always does that, considering he's just as tall as me. His neck might hurt but he never looks like he cares about that.
I ruffle his blonde hair a bit roughly and he laughs and tries to squirm out of my deadly grip on his body. I don't let him, clutching him tighter and messing up his fluffy head even more. The serious atmosphere from before is slowly fading away.
"Min, stop!" he says between laugher, still giving his all to break free from my strong grip. I just coo at him but eventually get tired and let him go.
He's panting and patting his hair back in place. Strands of blonde are stuck up like little antennae and he huffs because his efforts to set them down are usless.
"I hate you." he's joking, his smile gives it away.
I hug him close to me. Felix is the most precious thing in my life right now and I can't imagine losing him. I don't think I would survive if I lost the person I care for the most again.
My grip tightens slightly and I bury my face in Felix's neck. I remember why I lit that cigarette in the first place.
The fear of abandonment I always try to keep hidden in the furthest corner of my mind rises again and my throat suddenly feels too small to breathe. I don't know why I'm getting like this, don't know what led my brain to uncover the pain like it does sometimes, uncalled for.
I wish I hadn't given Felix my last cigarette.
Then I remember what triggered this. During dinner, the freckled told me everything the principal had said about the new kid. His name is Han Jisung.
Jisung.
Old memories resurface every time the name repeats inside my head. It isn't the same Jisung I knew, I think. It can't be, it would be too much of a coincidence. The surname, Han, fits the image of the little boy I remember perfectly. My heart swells.
I don't know what his surname ended up being. Every time I asked they would tell me Jisung never wanted me to know.
I was abandoned and clearly unwanted.
My mind keeps jumping between memories. Not the happy ones we shared, but the ones of the countless days and nights I spent glued to the phone, waiting for him to call me like he promised. The ones of the times I asked if there was something in the post for me, hoping that he would have at least sent a letter.
I feel hands through my hair and my friend's warmth returns like I comforting blanket that keeps away my sorrows.
"You won't leave me, right?" I find myself foolishly asking, hugging Felix even closer to me. I don't want him to disappear.
The younger's voice sounds calm and steady, just what I need right now. "I won't." he tells me.
I want to believe him.
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