Warriors AU: Blackfoot's Reckoning

Chapter 9

I don't want to remember any more.

The vision faded, and Blackfoot shuddered, closing her eyes for a heartbeat. I never even questioned what I was told to do. Stonefur would have been a better Clanmate than Darkstripe; I knew it even then. She was loyal and brave. It didn't matter that she was half-Clan.

She dragged her gaze up from her paws to meet Stonefur's eyes once again. Part of her ached to beg for the Starclan cat's forgiveness: I shouldn't have done it. It was all because of Goldenstar. But the words faded before she could say them. Anything she could say to Stonefur now would only sound hollow. She had killed her without hesitation.

Stonefur approached slowly, her eyes cool. "Do you want this life?"

Blackfoot could barely rouse the energy to answer. She felt empty. "I do," she croaked. I can't stop now.

Stonefur's muzzle brushed against Blackfoot's without affection. "With this life, I give you integrity," she meowed, sounding as reluctant as she looked. "Use it with your judgment, to make sure you take yourself and your Clan down the right paths in the future." She jerked back, then turned away without another glance and disappeared into the glimmering crowd.

As the now familiar pain shot through her muscles, Blackfoot flinched, but at the same time she felt as if her visions were growing sharper. She could see more of her own past. She had done terrible things. She had sought out strong leaders to attach herself to, and she had never considered whether what they did, what they ordered her to do, was right—if it was for the good of the Clans they led, the cats they led, or only to quench their own thirst for power and vengeance. The faces of the dead swam before her again, and she was sorry for how much suffering she had caused.

Can I be better than Brokenstar and Goldenstar were? She wanted to be. But with a pain that cut deep into her bones, she knew that she couldn't be sure. I never even wondered until now if their decisions were right. What does that say about me?

As the pain of receiving her new life lifted, she looked up at the Starclan cats. They had given her seven lives. No doubt another cat was about to step forward. Once she had been given nine lives, she would be the leader of Shadowclan.

"Can it go on like this?" she blurted out. "You say it's my choice to continue, but I feel like this is wrong. Each memory leaves me more shaken than the last. Am I really fit to lead Shadowclan?" There must be some cat who would be better. She couldn't let Shadowclan suffer because of her leadership.

Nightstar padded forward from the crowd, her tail lifted in greeting. They'd been kits together, and Blackfoot couldn't help finding comfort in her old friend's presence. There was no trace of hostility in Nightstar's yellow-green eyes. Her fur was sleek, and the once sickly cat looked healthier than she ever had in life.

"You're honest," she meowed, and Blackfoot looked down at her paws. The least she could do was be honest. Shadowclan needed the best leader they could find.

When Blackfoot didn't answer , Nightstar purred warmly in amusement. "Every leader has made choices they regret. It isn't necessary for a leader to be perfect. But it is important that you can learn from the past, and change." She came closer to Blackfoot and brushed her tail reassuringly across her back. "Don't lose the ability to question yourself. A leader needs to be the one who makes sure she's doing the right thing. No other cat will do it for her."

The present faded, and Blackfoot plunged once more into the past, to the time before Tigerclan, when she had been a rogue looking for a place to belong.

I'll get to see my home again.

Blackfoot knew that Shadowclan was only permitting her and the other rogues to cross their borders because there was sickness in the Clan and Goldenflower had offered to hunt for the Shadowclan cats who couldn't catch their own prey. But her paws still felt lighter than they had in moons as she entered Shadowclan's territory, a vole dangling from her jaws. It felt so good to be breathing in the familiar scents of home, to be sheltered under pine trees instead of the oaks and ash trees of their temporary territory out in the wild part of the forest.